separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

journaling: today's workout went well although I think I strained something. not sure, I'll see about it during the day. I left for the gym later than usual due to school delay and icy conditions. this caused me to see W in driveway while she dropped off D13 to get ready for school. I was just scraping the ice from my car and waved good morning and kept on going.

I am beginning to see the bigger picture a little more today. although I am not going over the top with some of the crazy behaviors you see in separations and divorces, there have been signs of pursuit in my actions as I had discussed with db coach. These can be improved. While not over the top, they are not helpful in resolving the current limbo situation.

I now see that W chose to move to parents and not commit to 'moving out' and setting up her own place. This indicates more of a thoughtful stance rather than "I'm outta here" at least on the surface. W continues to touch base with home by cycling through the area and keeping her things here. So not a total detachment as of yet.

W continues with the mantra "I need to find myself" According to db coach this phrase is common among people experiencing an internal crisis that they need to work thru. W was honest to say last week that she struggles with "....if I come back home its forever, I'll never leave you again....I need to know that I can do that...I know how you feel and that you want to be with me....I've heard you...."

Stages so far in our separation that I have observed:

Week 1 - W entered house, made food and brewed herself coffee. Visited with kids. I kept a respectful distance. Went about my activities and treated her in a neighborly way. when she was stuck due to weather, I offered food and when she asked to sleep in our camper b/c the roads were bad, I offered shelter. Db coach said neither was needed. She chose this, let her figure it out. I learned....W would Text to let me know where she was and that she was OK when weather was poor.

Weeks 2-3 - Increasing distance and lessening texts or contacts due to feelings beginning to come to surface in the silence. During this stage she told neighbors, "I'm sick of this, I want out...." W cried frequently and I cried frequently 9not to each other and not with kids). W stops entering house if I am here or anywhere near here.

weeks 4-6 - texts and contacts have slowed to very few. Days pass with nothing. Essential contacts only at this time. as of last week W tells me she's feeling 'peaceful' and that she's smiling and laughing more again. Our routines have stabilized and the kids are now getting used to a new normal. there are less outbursts from kids about "...I just want a normal life..." My D16 stops taking anxiety meds but continues on A/D for now. Raw fights between D16 and W stop. W stops complaining about D16. S12 seems to have accepted things as they are for now and understands he IS LOVED no matter what. I stop trying to put S and W together. its her R to fix or break. I just love him unconditionally.

I stop looking at my phone as much waiting for a txt or call. I begin to make new friends at my Y class and I don't tell them my sitch. I stop talking about sitch with old friends that know. I am becoming ME again. I guess at this point, we'll just keep traveling our roads. My W understands how I feel and she's traveling her journey. I must travel mine.

Realization from yesterday: offering W things that she gave up, like coffee from home or coffee with me when I'm near her work, just gives her something to remember ad be mad about "all she gave up b/c of her awful life...."I give her a target for her anger instead of letting her look inward... Also makes me feel bad because I repeat the rejection that has occurred for much of my marriage.

[melissag]

Paul, you have some good realizations up there ^^^.

I think you have a good point about talking about your sitch less with those who do know and are willing to help . . . not to stuff the feelings or ignore them, but because it becomes less necessary to talk about your sitch as time goes on. As I read your post, I thought, "I need to do this - there is no need to bring it up if it's not bothering me at the moment." Then I realized I am already doing this! Kind of a freeing thought. Thanks for bringing it up.

About asking your W to have coffee . . . as Gineen so wisely pointed out on my thread this morning:

I think DB gets everyone at the point where you do your 180's improve yourself and you 're like " wtf? Why haven't they come home yet? "

Well, we didn't get our selves here alone. You are not the core of all his issues. He's the core of a lot of his own. Only he can chose to address that. And he may not, it's a truth. You becoming the most perfect spouse in the world won't bring him back.

I think you already get this, though. You are doing great!

[paul19510]

3boyz, I did something today that was progress. With the 2 hour school delay, W worked it out with D13 that I'd drop the kids at school b/c W still had to report to work on time. D13 was supposed to tell me and didn't.

Normally, I would have contacted W about this to clarify what was supposed to happen and then tell her that D13 never relayed the message. I probably would repeat my request that we discuss these matters ourselves (which isn't happening again). I am not going to. there is nothing to clarify. Kids need a ride, W gave msg to D13. done.

Drops the rope, stops a controlling behavior that I didn't see before when I continue to insist on discussions W will not have.

[paul19510]

thanks Mel! I continue to follow your thread too. I'm so glad we know each other during this experience. You have really encouraged me along with others.

I hit me too, that, W must choose me. I can't make her choose me. In the meantime, people are looking at me different. I carry myself different. I didn't realize the fog and depression I was in during the heat of the M.

I also noticed that at first friends would let me vent. then a close friend started to go dim with me. I realized, I had let situation become our talks and it was hurting my friendship and damaging my chances at a brighter future. I stopped. now that person is no longer Dim with me

[planet]

I also noticed that at first friends would let me vent. then a close friend started to go dim with me. I realized, I had let situation become our talks and it was hurting my friendship and damaging my chances at a brighter future. I stopped. now that person is no longer Dim with me

Yup. Only talk to those who are willing to listen but it'll come to a point where you will find them harder to come by. Then maybe you move on to new ones and just like the rain, it eventually stops.
Friends and Family haven't heard of validation and they with the best of intentions just want you to stop hurting and move on.

I was smacked with a 'low down' from a friend. He said he will move to the next table if I start talking about my situation. He's right you know. Start focusing on something positive.

[paul19510]

yes, Planet I see that too. No one said anything, but its easy to see. You can still vent, but it should be very infrequent if at all to friends.

[LITB]

I would go a little further in regards with which friends you "vent/share/confide" in. It is best that they are supportive of the idea that you intend to save your M/R. Because what you are likely sharing does not paint your W in a positive light.

Definitely limit who you confide in, because some people do not always comprehend what DB'ing and forgiveness are all about.

[paul19510]

AS thanks for sending me Mandy's threads. so much happened. I guess 6 weeks is a blink of an eye really. I am feeling a bit more independent today. I didn't think about W much and didn't contact her. Each day is a step I will repeat the process tomorrow.

[bluesgal]

Hey Paul-I caught up on your posts. You are very early on in this process and you've grown so much already. I liked reading that you are carrying yourself with more confidence and described your own fog during your marriage. We just keep learning about ourselves and growing.

Glad you're feeling independent. Good job on the no contact. It's so hard isn't it? But 3 is right. No contact sure beats contacting and rejection...that's the pits.

[paul19510]

thanks Blues! I've been following your story. I am impressed by your strength. thank you for your support. I can almost feel the support from all of you. It really helps.

To comment on Planet's and LTTB, people have been very supportive of the fact that I'd like to stay married and really have a wonderful life with Peg if possible. I've not bad mouthed her and will not. I tell them, someday it'd be great if I could introduce her to them and we'd be together. we'll see. I am letting go more today. part of my method is to remember that this person DID, in fact, reject me a lot during the marriage. I have to have some self respect and step back.