Barrybran II - Six Weeks In

[Barrybran]

We haven't spoken about joint counseling yet. I've only just started reading DB so I don't know how to deal with this period of adjustment and hence, not sure if/how I should bring up counseling. Right now, I'm just staying the course as she hasn't mentioned reconciling even though everything points to her wanting to give things a go.

Journaling:

On the point of moving forward, my wife told me yesterday she was prepared to take up a job in a town several hours away if it came up. She knows how hard it has been for me finding work here and we've crunched numbers recently to find that we'll barely keep our heads above water until July. The job she spoke about would be a positional demotion (but same pay), working as a 2IC to the lady she took over from in her current store, the one she is currently managing. The town is bigger than the one we live in and is closer to major centres than we are now, meaning more job opportunities for me. I was shocked that she said it as I proposed moving and it was not an option to the point that I have now accepted that this is where we will be for the next x, y, z years. I'll take what she says on board but work on the basis that we won't be moving.

As for her feelings about the past couple of days, between work, kids and her downtime, our conversation about her feelings was incomplete. She was affectionate last night and a little playful and the conversation about money and moving came after her talking about her feelings of us "falling into old habits". I'm taking this as a positive but remaining patient and waiting for an opportunity to explore her feelings rather than acting on her affection.

This did lead to a decision I had to make last night that I wasn't sure how to handle. Part of what she told me was that since she moved back to our bed her back pain had returned and that she was only able to sleep a certain way as opposed to being free to sleep whatever way in our daughter's bed. She said she may not have been psychologically ready to return to our bed, which I understand, though I feel that it could also be that our bed needs replacing. She may also not be used to sleeping with me having not done so for 3 months prior.

Regardless, my wife slept in our bed and when I went to bed, I saw she was partially on my side. She looked comfortable. I didn't know whether to jump in or sleep on the floor. Between her looking comfortable and taking on board what she said about her back pain, I was curious to see if she'd sleep better without me in the bed, so I slept on the floor. She didn't say anything about it this morning, though she did acknowledge it, and reported that her back was still sore. If nothing else, I'm confident we need a new bed though my wife suggested we switch frames with the spare bed once my parents depart.

So it looks like I've got some quick reading to do as I feel a little lost right now, hovering somewhere between separation and reconciliation, and I don't know how to deal with this situation. If anyone knows which book, which part of said book or a thread I can read, please direct me there. In the meantime, I'll just keep reading DB and try to stay in tune with my wife.

[Barrybran]

I've found something that can't be validated! My wife bought a dress online and after trying it on has found it is one size too big. Now, she can get the same dress two sizes lower ("I just won't wear underwear"), exchange it for the same style in the right size but a different colour, exchange it for a different dress in the right size from the same store or find the dress she wants in her size from a different store but have to spend the same money to get it.

Ok, so it can be validated but I thought the guys here might be amused by this. So many answers... so, so many answers... just none of them right :p

[Lostforwords]

LMAO...That is funny B, Though I would say go with the no underwear option. Sorry B, I am just being me LOL. Seriously, I bet you validated a ton. The key on this one isn't to be Mr. Fixit, but just listen to her conundrum. There are many options for her and she will choose the one that is best for her. Yours is just to listen to her complain that she has so many options.

Things are going good....But I do suggest not overdoing being aware of her needs. It was nice that you slept on the floor, but did it help your wife in the end? Another way of thinking about it also, how would you feel if you thought she would be in bed with you, but you woke up and she wasn't? You need to find a good balance that let's you be you, her be her, yet still gives you both time to be WE.

That ties into the day to day life you discussed previously. The two of you have to decide how you want your day to day life to be....How an ideal day would be in realistic terms. I think we would all like everyday to be picnics, hot sex, giggles, fun, grand meals, etc.....But that isn't the reality of life with kids.

Example (though as you have read my marriage did die) but the ex and I made certain things a priority.

-When we got home from work....The first 15-20 minutes was sit down without the kids and discuss the day
-We went to bed at the same time (there is nothing on tv more important)
-We went on a date night

Those little steps are based on the reality that we had a house to tend to and kids to take care of, but at the same time put our relationship on the fore front.

Balance....Find Balance.

[Barrybran]

No underwear was my vote too but I kept that to myself. I've made a "too soon" joke recently that is typically me but isn't appropriate right now. I do have to be aware of the Mr Fixit thing though as that is my default.

Things are going good but they have definitely settled down. She's pleasant with me, goes about her own thing but she sits with me on the couch, puts her feet up on me, gently touches me and accepts back rubs. Nothing major but big in my book. There aren't hugs or kisses and we haven't had sex in a few days as the 'images' came back and she felt we were slipping back into 'old habits', a conversation which still hasn't been completed. I'm pretty much trying to go with the flow. ie. do my own thing, be there for her when she needs it but be ready to talk when she comes back to it.

I like your ideas about making time for us as a couple. I've pitched them to my wife in conversations past (when things weren't good) and they haven't come up in our recent discussions. The last thing I have to go off is that she loved it when everything was lovey dovey but as you said, we have kids and there's a life to tend to. I know deep down she doesn't expect everyday to be like that but we haven't discussed what would constitute a good day or week to her yet.

[Lostforwords]

So there is a good start...

1- Find out what a good day would be to her: Listen and Validate
2-State what a good day would be to you
3-Compromise on what would work for both of you

First understand, then be understood

I do see a trend though...You two seem to have a hard time completing conversations....Why do think that is?

[Barrybran]

Haha, here's a trap, lol. I've read a bunch of threads where blame has been a key factor but the honest answer to my question is that she handles them her way and on her terms and often the conversations end because she's tired/fallen asleep, is distracted or has something to do. The key conversations we've had (separation details, etc.) have been face-to-face but most of our recent relationship conversations have been via text message. My feeling on this was that she's communicating so who am I to quiz her about her method? I've accepted that she's shared and I've responded accordingly.

The latest conversation started as a text message while she was at work and she hasn't come back to it yet. I've chosen to remain in the mode where she initiates conversations until I properly understand how to handle this section of my situation.

[Lostforwords]

It really is whatever method works for you two. I know a couple that uses email for in depth personal conversations. They have both agreed it gives them more time to think about what was said and what they are going to say.

I wouldn't push it, but just thoughts as you move forward.

[Barrybran]

An incident occurred tonight where my wife wound up very upset about how I handled the situation. Does anyone have any insight on whether I should ask her how she would handle the same situation or use some initiative, do some reading and change my actions myself?

[Lostforwords]

It all depends on the situation.....What do you think you should do?

[Barrybran]

For me personally, I'd rather ask and know. She wound up telling me this morning how we should handle things in future so at least I found out.

This morning confirmed that it was my first major backslide. I'm frustrated because it stemmed from a difference in opinions rather than me consciously choosing to act negligently of her feelings. I'm going to look at the positive in that I know where she stands and that makes it easier to stay on the right side of her fence.

My wife also addressed the message about calling into old habits. She feels as though she's suggested all activities lately and that we both need to take more initiative. This will mark my first major change from DBing as I know it because I've let her initiate EVERYTHING: conversations, activities, affection, sex. Now, she wants me to contribute.

It's a road map so that's a positive. It is something that concerns me though. I've always been happy having a simple life and I've adjusted to doing my own thing as my wife and I have different interests. My wife had rejected me a LOT in the past as well. Also, we live in a small town and our funds are limited. Lastly, she did address that we have a normal life to tend to but it tires her out and she's rarely had enough energy leftover for me. These are all vents. It's something I have to address whether I like it or not. I do WANT to have a more exciting life with my wife with more variance but I have a some deep wounds and limited resources to overcome. Again, just a vent. I either do it or bore my wife into separation.

Apparently there is more to come. The past two days she has moved her wedding rings (within the bathroom. Ie. Probably considered putting them on) and kissed me as she left for work yesterday for the first time since I've been home and now things are fresh again. I know these cycles will occur but it's my first cycle so it'll take some getting used to.

That's all from me for now. I hope everyone is having a great day.