separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

journaling: today's workout went well although I think I strained something. not sure, I'll see about it during the day. I left for the gym later than usual due to school delay and icy conditions. this caused me to see W in driveway while she dropped off D13 to get ready for school. I was just scraping the ice from my car and waved good morning and kept on going.

I am beginning to see the bigger picture a little more today. although I am not going over the top with some of the crazy behaviors you see in separations and divorces, there have been signs of pursuit in my actions as I had discussed with db coach. These can be improved. While not over the top, they are not helpful in resolving the current limbo situation.

I now see that W chose to move to parents and not commit to 'moving out' and setting up her own place. This indicates more of a thoughtful stance rather than "I'm outta here" at least on the surface. W continues to touch base with home by cycling through the area and keeping her things here. So not a total detachment as of yet.

W continues with the mantra "I need to find myself" According to db coach this phrase is common among people experiencing an internal crisis that they need to work thru. W was honest to say last week that she struggles with "....if I come back home its forever, I'll never leave you again....I need to know that I can do that...I know how you feel and that you want to be with me....I've heard you...."

Stages so far in our separation that I have observed:

Week 1 - W entered house, made food and brewed herself coffee. Visited with kids. I kept a respectful distance. Went about my activities and treated her in a neighborly way. when she was stuck due to weather, I offered food and when she asked to sleep in our camper b/c the roads were bad, I offered shelter. Db coach said neither was needed. She chose this, let her figure it out. I learned....W would Text to let me know where she was and that she was OK when weather was poor.

Weeks 2-3 - Increasing distance and lessening texts or contacts due to feelings beginning to come to surface in the silence. During this stage she told neighbors, "I'm sick of this, I want out...." W cried frequently and I cried frequently 9not to each other and not with kids). W stops entering house if I am here or anywhere near here.

weeks 4-6 - texts and contacts have slowed to very few. Days pass with nothing. Essential contacts only at this time. as of last week W tells me she's feeling 'peaceful' and that she's smiling and laughing more again. Our routines have stabilized and the kids are now getting used to a new normal. there are less outbursts from kids about "...I just want a normal life..." My D16 stops taking anxiety meds but continues on A/D for now. Raw fights between D16 and W stop. W stops complaining about D16. S12 seems to have accepted things as they are for now and understands he IS LOVED no matter what. I stop trying to put S and W together. its her R to fix or break. I just love him unconditionally.

I stop looking at my phone as much waiting for a txt or call. I begin to make new friends at my Y class and I don't tell them my sitch. I stop talking about sitch with old friends that know. I am becoming ME again. I guess at this point, we'll just keep traveling our roads. My W understands how I feel and she's traveling her journey. I must travel mine.

Realization from yesterday: offering W things that she gave up, like coffee from home or coffee with me when I'm near her work, just gives her something to remember ad be mad about "all she gave up b/c of her awful life...."I give her a target for her anger instead of letting her look inward... Also makes me feel bad because I repeat the rejection that has occurred for much of my marriage.