The hurdle... Intimacy. Specifically sex. The topic will have to be dealt with soon. W came back home almost 3 months ago. At the time she was in a lot of physical pain (prior to surgery) so I got a hall pass on the question of do we?, don't we?, am I ready?, will she think of xOW?
It was really kind of nice to not have that issue and to just reconnect as friends, to kiss, touch, hug, cuddle... I know it's as fast as I wanted to go and W may have felt the same way, but we got to avoid the discussion because her pain was prevalent.
1.5 months into her return she had surgery. Hall pass number 2. Intense pain and rehabilitation. ML was the furthest thing from her mind and I was tired as h*ll taking care of her and EVERYTHING else!
But now, the rehab is paying off and she is getting better. She still has pain and discomfort at night and usually cries most nights (sometimes just feeling sorry for herself and frustrated and how long the process is to rehab) so it hasn't been an issue to deal with yet. No one has made advances and no one has been rejected.
But I have to say, I have some fear on this. So I am trying to process some stuff now, before "it".
W and I are more physical touch and word expressive of love than even the year before BD (she was in an A and I didn't know... but I did know something was wrong.) Last night a commercial came on TV about a sexual dysfunction medication and it made us laugh for some reason (sorry guys... no harm intended ) I took the light moment to ask, " What do you think about sex? Where on you on it?" She answered, "Honestly, I don't." I waited a few seconds longer just to see if she had anything else to say and I asked her, "Are you masturbating?" she answered, "I thought about it last week, but I didn't. I just don't."
The air in the space between us as we lay there next to each other just changed. Not tension, not negative.. but definitely different and weird... but not uncomfortable. So I left it at that and backed off. It didn't feel like she wanted to talk on that subject. It was late, we'd had a long day and I thought it best to do some personal processing on it before I approached the subject with her again in the future.
For the record, the last time we ML was while she was on walkabout and we were S but before she moved in with xOW. So that puts us at about 6 months.
So I know it's a critical issue that needs to be tended to before it takes on a monster role and becomes a bigger problem than I think our reconciliation efforts need, but I'm not sure where to start, what I think, or how to proceed.
She will recover from her surgery soon.
Before you all ask (and I'm hoping you will feel comfortable enough as my friends to help me process this... I understand if you don't.):
1- Yes. I want to. (now. but when she first came home would have been too soon for me. I needed to build more trust) 2- I am afraid she doesn't. 3- I fear rejection if I make the first move. 4- I am afraid she will compare me to xOW. (big time fear) 5- I have some mind movies of her and xOW that I struggle with when I start to think about ML and I am afraid they will plague me when I am with my W.
Whew! Heavy stuff this mornin' from RT!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
) I took the light moment to ask, " What do you think about sex? Where on you on it?" She answered, "Honestly, I don't." I waited a few seconds longer just to see if she had anything else to say and I asked her, "Are you masturbating?" she answered, "I thought about it last week, but I didn't. I just don't."
