Julie and Woody, I am questioning all of those things. My house is peaceful, my kids are happy again and I am somewhat better off emotionally now that W is not here. I didn't take care of myself and this separation has been a wake up call to really work on me. I do perceive that she took my kindness for weakness. I do perceive that she doesn't think much of herself and therefore is lifted up by putting others down when she wants. I was an easy target.
Wood, not sure what her respect issues are. I noticed that the same themes play along her life at various point as described by other from before I knew her. I also noticed that she made nasty comments about her previous H's and their families. Nothing seems to change. Just the new people involved.
I really have to think about this.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
The rolling of the eyes leads me to believe she doesn't take you seriously. What is your relationship like with your children? Do they respect you? Teens and tweens can really be challenging, and you have 3 of them. Especially during this time of crisis.
M-44 W-45 S21,S18,SS16,SD13,S5,D4 M-9y BD- May 2013 Piecing- Dec 2013
Paul - I am going to give you a bit of a 2x4. Please know that it is coming from a loving place because I did the exact same thing and it only made things worse.
You NEED to stop reaching out to your W. It does not matter what you text/emails says or does not say. Your W likely views any communication from you as pressure.
Do you feel better know that you sent her the text about coffee? My guess is that you don't feel better and likely feel worse. Not only are you hurting yourself, but you are reminding your wife that you continue to do the exact same things that drove her to leave in the first place. You are giving her more and more reasons to justify her decision to leave.
Do not tell yourself that it is ok to contact your wife because you are talking about logistics, especially if you know that you are going to not just talk about logistics. If you do reach out to your wife to discuss something that must be discussed, limit it just to that topic. My DB coach told this to me early on. She said that my H did not want to talk to me about anything, because he thought that I would start with one innocent subject and then move onto a R discussion. My coach said that I needed to show H that I would stick to the topic (logistics only) and that it would be short and sweet. It takes time and repetition for your W to know that this will stick (i.e. weeks/months not a few days).
I literally had to print out a calendar at work and cross off each day that I did not contact H and actually followed DBing. I did this for 30 days. I am a fixer by nature and love goals, so this helped. You need to find something to do to keep yourself from contacting her.
Also, your W is the one that needs to ask you to do something as a couple. Right after BD, I asked H to go to dinner. H agreed. It was a DISASTER. Dont go there.
The only time that I extend an invitation is if the kids are involved. I limit it to activities that I know that H may want to be there for. I let him know ours plans and that he is welcome to attend. I tell him the date/time once and then I leave it. I dont ask him multiple times if he is going to go. We go anyway, even if he does not come.
I agree with 3 wholeheartedly. This is going to take some time and a lot of hard work to fix. You didn't get to this point overnight and it isn't going to be repaired overnight.
I can tell you that walking on eggshells and being guided by fear are not attractive. Begin confident and decisive are attractive.
I know how difficult this is and there is a lot to process. I can't emphasize patience enough.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
thanks all. I am working on it. baby steps. My coach did complement me on the work I am doing so far, but her advice to tidy things up a bit in this department rang in my ears this morning as I uttered the words, "I'll be at the school for S this morning at 11. Would you like to have coffee after that...?"
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
My kids are very respectful of me. Especially my S12. they have each come to me in recent months to thank me for some of the things I do each day. not needed, but felt good anyway.
They see that I am here and with them working hard to move forward with a good life, not matter what. they know I love them.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
one follow up. Interestingly enough I just had a chance encounter with W. I didn't know she'd be at the church for a meeting and I was there doing my cleaning job. She came into the room with D13 for the meeting. She was polite and pleasant. She complimented my work and I thanked her. I was confident and happy. Just in a good place. I excused myself and wished her a good evening. She seemed happy and wished me the same. That's how you do it!
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
3boyzmom and LITB are right on. I made this big boo boo several times. It does not work. Take heed. You are strong. You can do it.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
As I sit here tonight, it occurs to me that the anxiety I felt and the sleeplessness last night were partly caused by my enmeshment in this M.
when I stand up strong and when I begin to feel a few moments of detachment, I don't feel as anxious. When I try to think about what W might be doing or where she is or what she thinks, bingo! Very anxious. So the trick is to keep detaching. keep my feet moving. today's 'coffee talk' was a minor slip in the grand scheme of things and I can't keep doing that. Like you guys said, it only hurts me and I'm sure it only makes this limbo process drag on longer. I've got to leave her alone and let her think about things.
she can't miss me if I never go away. I can't have her show me that she believes in the M too if I do all the approaching and working.
Lastly, I must learn that its not ALL MY FAULT. yes, I did things that helped to get us here. We both did. I have to fix my stuff and let her deal with her own. some righteous indignation about her leaving me with everything to do except her horses as well as not taking much time for D16 and S12 will help me stay away. I don't have to say "poor girl.." about that. I can say, I'm sorry you feel that way(not to her but internally), but I don't like the way you're acting and its hurting the family. that should also fuel my desire to stay away and let her be.
thoughts? big day lots of growing for me !
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I like your change in thinking (or your planned change in thinking!) I think that's the key for us LBS's... I also have moments of resentment thinking how convenient it must be to be able to shirk all responsibility in order to "find yourself".
I wrote a mean, nasty letter to my H last night that was extremely rude and truthful. Then I ripped it up. It was great! Try it! It really did help me get some things off my mind.
After all, this part is all about us right now!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
