Suckerpunch, the final thread

[swoop]

You are absolutely correct, LA. I do still hold a grudge about the end of our relationship and how it came about. I really struggle with that, because I whole heartedly feel that our issues were not enough to end a marriage, especially without trying to work through them. Don't get me wrong. I do accept that it was enough for HER to want to leave, but that doesn't change my personal views. Everything else you said, I agree with. I am trying to be as friendly and understanding as a soon to be ex-husband can be. I do not battle with her. I am always cordial and always obliging. Although not very often, but I do compliment her from time to time. I try to validate. No negative words have been used between us for months and months. We are not overly caring for each other, and of course no personal sharing is ever expressed between us. Other than in regards to daughter and this death in my family, W and I have literally no connection, friends, foes or otherwise. How do I bridge that gap?

[swoop]

This weekend is W's birthday. She asked to have daughter stay overnight with her. I agreed. This is something above and beyond our parenting agreements, but I feel that she should have D on her birthday if she wishes, by all means!

I thought I would give W a birthday card. I thought I would included several pictures that daughter has picked out that she wants to take to OM's house. Is that too much? Would it come off as pursuing or pressure? Some of the pictures have me in them.

I also wonder about the card itself. What should I include in the message, just a "hey, happy birthday"? Or, should I express something more? Should I not get involved with a card at all? For instance, my "friendly" next door neighbor or office acquaintances wouldn't give me a birthday card, so I am wondering if that is too much?

[AnotherStander]

I really struggle with that, because I whole heartedly feel that our issues were not enough to end a marriage, especially without trying to work through them.

I'm still not even really sure what our "issues" were. I mean W told me some small things and I have certainly done 180's on those, but like you I'm convinced there was nothing that wasn't EASILY resolvable. The difference between you and me is I don't blame W for breaking up our M. She did what she felt she needed to do. I don't think she was thinking clearly when she decided that, perhaps it's because of the A/D's she's been on for 10+ years, maybe it's the menopause, maybe she was just tired of waking up to the same guy every day. Regardless of the reasons, she made a difficult decision and now she's living with it. But forgiveness is an amazing thing, it releases you. It sets you free. It allows you to move on in life and enjoy it. You'll forgive her some day, I'm convinced of it. How long that will take is unknown, but you will feel a lot of relief when you finally do.

I am trying to be as friendly and understanding as a soon to be ex-husband can be. I do not battle with her. I am always cordial and always obliging. Although not very often, but I do compliment her from time to time. I try to validate. No negative words have been used between us for months and months.

That's good, that's progress from where you were not so long ago.

This weekend is W's birthday. She asked to have daughter stay overnight with her. I agreed.

Good! I think not too long ago you would have refused out of spite, so this too is progress!

I thought I would give W a birthday card. I thought I would included several pictures that daughter has picked out that she wants to take to OM's house. Is that too much? Would it come off as pursuing or pressure? Some of the pictures have me in them.

I'm not going to say this is right or wrong, but what I do is assist the kids with cards/ gifts, so I'm paying but the stuff is coming from the kids. So for example, over Christmas I took the kids to a painting class and they painted Santa and a snowman, then I wrapped them, put the kids' names on them and gave them to W. Last year for her bday I took one of those multi-picture frames and put a bunch of pictures of the kids in it from our Arkansas vacation (that W did not go on). Wrapped it and put the kids' names on it. I made sure the pics were only of the kids though, not me. Anyway, since your D is 6 I would get some watercolor paper and help her make a card for your W. Get a picture frame and put pics of your D in it. Wrap it up and put your D's name on it and get your D to give it to her.

[swoop]

That sounds like a great idea, AS. I let daughter pick out several pictures last night. I will buy a frame and follow your lead. That will be no-pressure, and I am sure will love it. She is very sentimental.

Thanks.

[AnotherStander]

No problem! And I think she will appreciate the gesture from you as well because she'll obviously know that you assisted D. If you want to add a special touch, if you get one of those multi-frame setups then in one of the slots you can have D make a note like "Happy Birthday Mommy!" or "You are the world's greatest mom!" or something else personal and put that in place of one of the photos. I did that on my W's, made a little watercolor with "We Love You Mom!" on it and had all the kids sign it.

[swoop]

Took your advice, AS. I got a nice multi frame. I had daughter pick out the photos she liked, some of daughter and one of our dog...haha. I guess W expresses that she misses our dog from time to time. Anyway, daughter then spent some time on, "artwork" in watercolor paint, to put in one of the slots. Wrapped it girly like and found a pretty cool card. Project complete. She will love it.

Had a very nice (friendly) conversation with W tonight regarding daughter spending the night with W on her birthday. We also discussed MIL's recent back surgery. Even though it wasn't much at all, it was nice to actually have a decent talk about something other than daughter or divorce. I think we both actually hung up with no bad feelings towards each other for a change.

[AnotherStander]

Awesome, sounds like a gift she'll really treasure! And it shows her your daddy-power too Sounds like a good convo too, great job!

[swoop]

How quickly attitudes can change. I sent W a text this morning saying, "happy birthday. I hope your enjoy your special day". She texted back nicely, letting me know about her activities. she had planned. She took the day off work so she and OM could do a couple sports related party stops. For the most part, they road tripped all over the state, starting at 3:30 am. Seriously? She took another day off work, after taking the entire New Years week off to go on vacation to Arizona, Nevada and Mexico? She puts in a whopping 12 hours a week for the last 14 months, and even that is too much to ask. She vacations and parties like nobodies business, even though her drinking has settled down, she is going harder and faster than ever before. Om must be funding her good times. That is fine and dandy. I don't discredit anyone from having a good time, but here is where my attitude changed.....

I spoke with My attorney today. W's attorney is asking for even MORE financial records. During our conversation, my attorney pointed out that W not working was going to reflect on my support costs. I guess I will have to help fund her goodtimes, while I bust my donuts to pay my bills. Actually no, I am "trying" to pay my bills. I am falling farther behind every month. I took on an extra side job this weekend to pay for daughters dentist visit this week. It just infuriates me to no end! So wrong to me that she can choose to have her sugar daddy pay her way, not work, play like she's 19 years old with a brand new American Express card and have ZERO accountability for supporting herself of daughter. It just erks me! JUST F'IN ERRRRKS ME!

Now I will step down off my podium. Thank you for reading, and I am sorry you had to hear it. I just needed to get this off my chest.

[25yearsmlc]

How quickly attitudes can change.


YOUR attitude changed, not hers. Is it b/c she is happy...and you don't approve?

I sent W a text this morning saying, "happy birthday. I hope your enjoy your special day". She texted back nicely, letting me know about her activities. she had planned. She took the day off work so she and OM could do a couple sports related party stops. For the most part, they road tripped all over the state, starting at 3:30 am. Seriously? She took another day off work, after taking the entire New Years week off to go on vacation to Arizona, Nevada and Mexico? She puts in a whopping 12 hours a week for the last 14 months, and even that is too much to ask. She vacations and parties like nobodies business, even though her drinking has settled down, she is going harder and faster than ever before. Om must be funding her good times. That is fine and dandy. I don't discredit anyone from having a good time, but here is where my attitude changed.....

I think given your comments here^^, your attitude changed before you got a letter from her L. And this was completely predicted. Why are you surprised that she still does not agree with you? (Many of us don't either and NO, you do not need to explain it again to me). It is, what it is. A disagreement. That's what courts are for.

I spoke with My attorney today. W's attorney is asking for even MORE financial records. During our conversation, my attorney pointed out that W not working was going to reflect on my support costs.

and you'll live in the "family home" and she'll find a new place to live and geez, we have gone over this so often. Here it comes...how you are supporting her "cheating" or her good times, etc. Every person who pays anything, makes this comment...as if it's ONLY good times they are supporting, and not a roof over the head of their child, and as if they themselves are doing all the work and not having any fun...


I guess I will have to help fund her goodtimes, while I bust my donuts to pay my bills. Actually no, I am "trying" to pay my bills. I am falling farther behind every month. I took on an extra side job this weekend to pay for daughters dentist visit this week. It just infuriates me to no end!

I swear I had not already read this^^^!!! (but I knew it was coming). You are the victim and she is "winning" b/c she is having fun and somehow that prevents you from enjoying life so you are "Busting your donuts"...

SP, this is the old you...is it still the main part of the real you?


So wrong to me that she can choose to have her sugar daddy pay her way, not work, play like she's 19 years old with a brand new American Express card and have ZERO accountability for supporting herself of daughter. It just erks me! JUST F'IN ERRRRKS ME!

Now I will step down off my podium. Thank you for reading, and I am sorry you had to hear it. I just needed to get this off my chest.

you got it off your chest....again...

how many times are you going to do that? I mean, CLEARLY, venting here, is not helping you b/c you are still doing it a year later. If it were helping you diffuse your anger and grow, I'd support it.

But It keeps you stuck. SO next time you feel the swirling vortex of negativity (SVON) coming over you, put a STOP SIGN in your face and stop the victim talk.

You'd think your w wanted all your money AND the home AND the child...

and that you are helpless and alone all the time without any family support or social support.

Stop the stinking thinking...I leave your thread and check every so often to see how much growth there is.

And I see the same stuff that I saw way back almost a year ago. Work harder. Get the TOOLS for change!

Please tell me you have a counselor. If not, how on earth do you see yourself changing your life?

[swoop]

You know you're right 25, and I do too. I hadn't felt those feelings for quite some time. Actually, W and I have been very polite and cordial to each other. My thoughts have been mostly positive. I think speaking with my attorney got me very fired up. Perhaps she meant to fire me up. I don't know. I wrote that last reply, just after speaking with her on the phone. I won't discredit my feelings, because that is how I felt at the time. I will say that I didn't act on any of my thoughts or emotions. They were simply feelings that I had at that time. There is nothing wrong with that. I blew off steam, and they were done.

Today, I saw W's old car sitting in a parking lot. It was the first car she had ever owned. I bought it for her shortly after we married. I took a picture and sent it to her, with a nice, short message. She replied nicely as well, and asked if I could send her any other pictures of it that might still be in the house. That is where we are today, short, friendly and cordial.

Anyway, I do not currently have a counselor. I had been speaking with a pastor from my church, who also does marriage counseling. It has been some time since I have spoken with him. I have been trying to change my life, by focusing on what is important and the way I view things. I am looking into myself SO much more than I used to. I question myself before putting actions into play, as I realize that I had a horrible tendency to shoot from the emotional hip. I know I am improving as a person. I know this for a fact, and I hear it quite often from the people around me, my family, friends, church members, etc. I am making an effort to show my affection to my friends and family better. I didn't do well with this in the past. Today, I am much better at it. I have learned how to validate and affirm. Previously, I wasn't even sure what "validate" meant. I also do a much better job today of slowing myself down and LISTENING to other people. I have a much more unbiased outlook towards other perspectives. Stick with me. I am getting there, 25.