separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[Rick1963]

"Why am I so hell bent on discussing things or focusing on this one person who does not seem to value me???"

This^^^is because you spent 17 years of your life with her. This is normal I did the same thing.

[melissag]

I flat out do not understand her decisions to remain separate and silent but I guess I don't have to. I didn't make those decisions she did.

3 told me to not expect anything. I understand it intellectually. In my mind's eye I know that I saw this playing out very differently. That we would live apart but continue to talk and work. That she would reach out but she hasn't really done so. As I write this and the days wear on I guess its just sinking in that I was wrong. I feel disappointed and hurt.

Paul, I am right there with you. I think it's fairly typical, though. When the WAS moves out, the LBS turns his focus to the M and wants to fix things, while the WAS finally feels free and starts to settle in to enjoy her new life. I don't think that means it will last forever. I just think it's more proof that the vets are right when they say over and over, that this takes a LOT of time and a LOT of patience.

thanks Rick! I will do that. having a lot of trouble feeling positive today. Again nt sure why the change in the past 2 days. but it is what it is. I went to class this morning and sweated it out for a while. At least my body is getting "ripped" by all this working out LOL

I think we all go in cycles, Paul. I know for me, I will have a few good days, and then maybe something will happen to drop me back to earth, or maybe it's just that when I start to feel better, I feel like my M should be better too. But it's not. And that's depressing.

I have many good friends the reaffirm me. Why am I so hell bent on discussing things or focusing on this one person who does not seem to value me???

I agree with Rick . . . it's totally normal for this to be such an enormous loss. I have friends, too. They are amazing. But my H was the one I shared my life with for many years. Same for you. Honestly, I don't understand how the WASs seem to have such an easy time with this. But, who knows WTF they are thinking.

Good for you for working out - it has definitely saved me in many ways.

Hope today is a better one for you. Hang in there.

[LITB]

Here is what I was going to post yesterday when your thread got locked.....looks like I need to catch up.

Hey Paul,

This is what I can say about your last few posts. You mentioned that your W is making much more withdrawals than deposits from the emotional bank. That is to be expected in these situations. That aligns with her choices. You know what they say about the grass being greener where you water it? She does not want to invest in this bank NOW.

As for you, make every interaction with your W a positive one. It is inevitable that there will be interactions that are simply unpleasant. That's a given and it will suk.

At first, it will be like, "Hey, look at me. I am a great guy. That picture you painted of me is bogus!!". Perhaps that statement holds some truth to it to begin with. After awhile, making deposits into emotional banks will become part of who you are in all of your interactions. No calculating required.

On another note, what are the current arrangements with your children? It isn't right for your W to call while you are out with them to play "favorites". I'd suggest setting a boundary. That is your time. Moreover, these are your precious kids. It isn't a game. It is their lives. Don't get caught up with trying to "one-up" her. Be a great father and own your responsibilities. Your kids will see through the BS, I can assure you of that. Mine are younger than yours and they see through it.

Here's a note for you. It took me about 14 months to detach COMPLETELY. Detachment is a learned skill. It does not come naturally to us and we all process things in our own time. Patients is key.

Ben

[labug]

Here's a note for you. It took me about 14 months to detach COMPLETELY. Detachment is a learned skill. It does not come naturally to us and we all process things in our own time. Patients is key.

Ben

Yes, yes, yes! It look me a little longer but I had been "attached" longer.

[LITB]

For sure Bug. It is a painful process.

I meant "patience", not "patients" at the end of my post....although we probably all feel like patients.

[paul19510]

Well I have a small update, but its not much. I spoke with W regarding some banking issues and the schedule for an upcoming doc appt for D16. During the convo I put myself out there by telling her that I would be a block from her office this morning at 11 and asking if she'd like me to stop by and perhaps have a cup of coffee. She said no thank you. I told her that was fine and she said, "you know I can't just interrupt my day like that..." I told her it'd be nice to get a cup of coffee sometime and that I'd be open to it. I asked if I was being too forward to ask. She said she didn't think so, but she'd see about it. That was the same convo when we were married and living under the same roof.

What am I trying to save????

[paul19510]

and before anybody pulls out the 2x4....I know, I know...I shouldn't have bother to even ask.

[paul19510]

LT, I really like what you posted and I know that I have away to go about the detachment piece. Each day is getting a little easier, but I still have bad days.

I am getting feedback now that people know about this that things aren't always as I thought. More than one person has commented that W was openly distaining of me while we attended public things together. When my back was turned she would roll her eyes or make fun. They were not comfortable telling me this while we were "a couple". The people that said this did not know each other and we attended 2 different events with different people so its interesting to get that feedback. Neither person knew what the other had said.

I did notice that we were rarely invited to go places together. Seems that it was uncomfortable for people.

Not sure what I am trying to save here....?

[woody112]

I don't know much about you Paul, but it doesn't sound like your W has much respect for you. Do you know why?

[juliegayle]

So, interesting that you keep questioning what you are trying to save.

Is it an intact family for the kids? Is it a moral idea about marriage? Is it s vision of a better relationship with W.

No right answer just something to think about.