I am tired. Of the uncertainty and the pain and the stress. Of living alone, plannig alone, eating alone and waiting for him to call maybe..
Sure I know myself better, sure I could do a better job as a partner, if he was ever to ask, sure I have learnedhow to run, lost 17 kilos, I am not scared of the dark when I am alone any more . Sure I've written journals and defended him to friends and even to myself but I am tired. Of him and his lies, of me and my hopes, of the way he thinks he can act and it is ok. I am tired of his anger and irritability, his dishonest acts . All seems pretty hopeless. He has shut the door, sometimes he opens it but how to look at himself and see the mess he has made, let himself down, gone against all his supposed values. He won't do it , can't do it. He has taken a position and I can't see him changing. He will convince himself he is right, that I was always wrong. . That I telephoned so I could control him, that I cooked for him so I could decide what he should eat, that I bought gifts so I could control the things he owned...that I planned holidays for uz so I could control where we went even if I was planning for the places he had said he wanted to visit. That he designed and built gardens because I made him, that he stood and enjoyd them.. guess I must have control of that too, that I controlled his mind when he did not invite friends from work because the house was so big it looked like showing off, So I am tired of it being my fa5ult. Tired that he decides an affair with a woman from work was a coincidence.. of course he had been finished with the marriage for months, shame he forgot to tell me, shame he forgot to look unhappy, shame he celebrated my birthday 2 weeks before ,
He just called I can't talk to him today I am so done
