AS - I read 5LL. Hard to know for sure since I can't ask H to take the test but I think he needs words of affirmation.
Most men's PLL is PT, but that does not mean he doesn't respond to other LL's. Mine is PT, but I definitely respond to WoA as well. The things you described really struck a chord with me as these were areas my W was unsupportive in too. I have since learned through reading No More Mister Nice Guy that I was seeking too much affirmation from my W though. So when I read you say that your H thinks you were not being supportive enough, appreciative enough, complimenting enough, encouraging enough, etc. It makes me think that maybe hs is too codependent on you like I was on my W. So on the one hand you could do better in this area, but on the other hand this may be an indication of HIS unhealthy patterns that HE needs to address. For example-
Quote:
in the fall he passed a very difficult test for work that people rarely pass on the first time, and he said I didn't seem happy for him - I wasn't telling him or others that I was proud of him.
HE should he happy for HIMSELF. It's a personal accomplishment, and his joy of completing it should come from within. Whatever praise he gets from others should just be icing on the cake, not a requirement for him to feel valued.
Quote:
I think, though, that this is something I can be better at without it being pursuing or needy? Complimenting him on his shirt, or thanking him for making dinner or shoveling snow, etc.
Yes, exactly. Follow 5LL on this, don't just say "thanks for dinner". Say things like "I really enjoyed that dinner, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that you do things like this for me, you really are a great person."
Quote:
I'm scared at this point to let go/detach... I think it's because if I really do "move on", then that means I'm done and no longer interested in staying married... but the whole point of DB is trying to stay married! It feels conflicting. Seems like others feel similarly.
Yes, people do feel that way because DB'ing is counterintuitive. Your mind is telling you to pursue, beg, plead, negoatiate, reason. Why? Because in a healthy marriage when there is conflict, those things are how you resolve the conflict. But those things DO NOT WORK in a broken marriage with a WAS. They just drive the WAS farther away.
Originally Posted By: KGirl
but it's like he's thwarting my every move! I go to watch TV in the other room, H comes in to watch with me because he wants to see that show, too. I go to the guest room (where I'm sleeping) to read a book, H comes in to ask me questions/show me a picture of the cat/tell me a random story about work. H says he's going to the grocery store, I say "OK, I'll plan to go later in the day" and he says "well why don't we go together to save a trip?"
Those things are him pursuing you, and that is fine! You don't have to run away from him all the time. DB'ing is just about you not pursuing him. So don't follow him around like a puppy dog, but if he follows you then it's OK.
Quote:
He's much nicer and spending more time with me almost than before the BD. I don't know what to make of it.
Nothing, have no expectations. He may be warming up to you, or it may mean nothing. After BD my W was exceedingly nice. She wanted to do stuff together as a family, eat together, travel together, etc. But whenever I asked about her future plans, she was still totally set on moving out and she did just that.
Quote:
I'm also really struggling with not having a "plan". I've always been the "doer" or "planner", and to not have a plan is driving me crazy.
Yeah, that's me too. I wanted so bad to "control" the situation. But that just makes things worse. You have to let go of all control, remove all pressure, leave him to sort it out himself. I found patience that I never thought possible, and if I can do it than anyone can, that's for sure!
