Still getting along. All though it is kind of a strained getting along. Like there is a big elephant in the room that we keep avoid talking about.
She still hasn't filed for D. It is like we are stuck where we are. I seem to feel she wants to talk about R but I don't bring it up as that is what is suggested.
She will start up a conversation and it will go all right but little weird things occur, like she won't make 'normal' eye contact. Or we are talking and she remembers that she needs to be reserved.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
You too Bug. TS needs love and support. We're here pal. How's it going? There is an elephant in the room. Definitely let her initiate any R talk. Keep detaching. Being nice. Protect yourself and your babies.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
It still feels weird, this detaching. I used to send her an email every morning...just to say hello/have a good day. I am out of the house, at my desk by 6:15am, she gets up at 6am, so we don't see each other in the morning. Now i don't send her an email...... Part of trying to give her space even while we live together.
We are getting along, but i have this fear of the other shoe dropping. Like, 'am i going to get served today with divorce papers?'. Idk. Meanwhile i just go to counseling and keep reading stuff.
Another thing I have been doing is trying to 'be attractive'. She hates when i grow a beard so i have been keeping clean shaven. I started wearing cologne again which she even asked me why. All i said was 'I am trying to make an effort' and left it at that.
For good or bad I did enough snooping to verify that there doesn't appear to be OM or anything. At least there isn't any electronic evidence of the fact. That is a slippery slope there so I am done with that.
She still hasn't asked about my conversation with another lawyer. I find that hard to believe. I am kind of waiting to see what the next R conversation looks like, to decide if i need to pursue another consultation with that lawyer. Limbo land continues.............
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
We are getting along, but i have this fear of the other shoe dropping. Like, 'am i going to get served today with divorce papers?'. Idk. Meanwhile i just go to counseling and keep reading stuff.
Another thing I have been doing is trying to 'be attractive'. She hates when i grow a beard so i have been keeping clean shaven. I started wearing cologne again which she even asked me why. All i said was 'I am trying to make an effort' and left it at that.
For good or bad I did enough snooping to verify that there doesn't appear to be OM or anything. At least there isn't any electronic evidence of the fact. That is a slippery slope there so I am done with that.
She still hasn't asked about my conversation with another lawyer. I find that hard to believe. I am kind of waiting to see what the next R conversation looks like, to decide if i need to pursue another consultation with that lawyer. Limbo land continues.............
Waiting for the other shoe to drop....Living on eggshells is incredibly tough and stressful. You both probably are, though she is the one holding the cards so probably a little different for her. Hopefully someone can chime in on this with some advice. I did not fare well at all in this area...still don't through our litigation.
If she does ask about lawyer conversation do not discuss it. That is between you and your lawyer. Whatever you tell her, she will tell her lawyer. It won't help you.
No more snooping. It doesn't help and can backfire. Either she isn't and she will be angry for breaking trust and her privacy or she is and she will be angry for breaking trust and her privacy plus your hurt will be large. Mine was the latter. No matter what, you become the bad guy.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Hi TS, I haven't posted to you before but I was reading FloydMan's posts and got a bit caught up in your story.
He's giving you good, solid nuts and bolts advice. I agree, protect yourself financially. Business is business.
Your comment about the other shoe dropping stood out to me because I lived with these fears for a along time, even before BD and it still rears it's head occasionally. It's a control thing as I'm sure you've realized. Do you ever just allow your mind to follow that fear? And is the cause of that fear within your control? I'm not sure it's the questions that causes your anxiety. Is it not having a discussion about the visit that disturbs you?
Congrats on all those years sober! I'm wondering if you still go to mtgs? Have you gone to support group mtgs related to your W's addiction? AA teaches you one set of skills and AlAnon or similar groups, guide you in another set at least that's what I've heard from people who have done both. AlAnon is where you really get the detachment, in my experience.
Best of luck.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I haven't been going to meetings for the past 4 years or so. That is certainly part of the 'me being stagnant' along with probably not the best attitude in the world. I wouldn't say I have been a d*(# these last few years of marriage but i know when i go to meetings, I am a better person.
So I have started going back to meetings along with IC. Part of the 'working on me' side of things.
Things being out of my control is definately a part of the fear process. Through AA i have learned that almost any 'negative' emotion has it's roots in fear. Quite sobering (haha).
Daily and sometimes hourly I attempt to give this problem over to a higher power, as i don't have any control. Other than working on me, trying to keep my side of the street clean, i really have no influence on this situation. Well maybe not influenece, but certainly no control.
I talked about my wife's addiction a little bit with counselor, but decided that going down that road and trying to figure out the what/why of the matter wasn't really beneficial. I do think part of her current mental state is the result of getting rid of her coping mechanish/crutch. I know i changed quite a bit when i gave up mine. Beyond that, I have let it go as much as possible.
One of my concerns with living with my wife is that maybe that doesn't provide enough 'space'. Enough space that maybe she would actually miss me a little and have a change of heart. I certainly miss having a spouse and all the little things it entails. I miss not sending her little emails about funny small occurences during the day. I miss not having someone to share things with........
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I'm with ya brother...I miss those same things. Then I start to balance the negatives about our relationship that was making us both unhappy. I don't miss those. If there is no OM or 3rd party, maybe you have a better chance than I to rekindle the good things and eliminate the bad, or at least most of them. For her, the bad still outweigh the good. In my sitch, that damage of trust and ongoing deceptions on a number of fronts, not just the A along with the refusal to work on trust and the assigned programs/ exercises made that impossible to overcome. This is why I mentioned before to be soooooo consistent in your behaviours and actions. That will speak to trust.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
You know that point in a relationship where both parties are so jaded/wounded from previous stuff, any little thing can be taken the wrong way/spark an argument? That point where there is so little trust that neither party will bring up what is really important to them? That was kind of where we were.
Talking to the counselor, she recommended a book called 'the four agreements'. It is about...'Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best. It's the how and why one should do these things that make The Four Agreements worth reading and remembering. --P. Randall Cohan '.
I know i can take things both personally and the wrong way.....ordered that book and actually have to pick it up today as it came in. I am sure that will solve all my problems
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Yep...know that point very very well. Eggshells is not a good place to walk on. Let us know how the book is.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
