The drinking acceptance has been hard. Mostly because I have a hard time forgiving myself, it was there staring me in the face for the past 4+ years but I believed H's excuses and truly didn't realize the depth of the problem. He never parked himself at a bar all day or every night when he was home. It seems to have escalated to a frightening level.
You can't take responsibility for his choices. His choices are his choices. Realizing that is detachment. Hiding the depth of the issue is part of the whole deal. You're not alone in believing excuses, turning a blind eye. There's no shame in that.
He's making choices but you still feel responsible in some way. Let that go if you can.
You did what you needed to do and now you don't have to do anything but live your life and let him live his. This isn't for you to fix.
It seems you're equating detaching with physical space. It's more about not giving him space in your head. Not trying to control the outcome of his choices.
You don't have to D him to do that. You may want to at some point but it sounds like you're not there yet. That's OK.
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And I can see how it'd be different in other households where the alcoholic is at home... one can set their boundaries and say that they don't condone but it's up to that person to make choices for themselves. And I can say that too, but that's kind of what I've been living for 18 months now. H definitely makes his own choices. It's really confusing to me.
He doesn't want to be fixed right now but it seems you desperately want to fix him. Use this time to work on you and turn his problems over to him.
Do they have a Newcomer's Group in your area?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
