Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Hey ho, Raine the phoenix here to talk about good and exciting things happening for the new year.

The kids are back in school, H is back to work, and I miss them all. We spent a lot of time together over the holidays. H and I only went out on a date once during that time. We had people over a lot, but we really focused on the family time. He and I always end up staying up way too late, hanging out, playing games, watching shows, and lots of physical activities...

H's replay buddy who recently got married is having a hard time with H not being as available. I am being a lot more open about what I do and don't enjoy doing. Hanging out multiple times a week with his replay buddies just ain't doing it for me. And these are tame buddies in the MLC scheme of things. I'm not talking about ow or drinking, just immature and different stage of life buddies. One night his main buddy wanted to get together and play something that I am just not interested in doing anymore. It just takes so long to play and really drags and I feel like I've already served my time doing it in pre and beginning reconnection phase. I told H I didn't want to, but I didn't mind if he wanted to. He told replay buddy(RB) I wasn't up for that, and RB said, "so does that mean no game or no Raine?" And H told him, no game. He wants to spend time with me.

I told H that I think RB is having a hard time with me, because H doesn't have as much time for RB as he did before. H said he really didn't notice and thinks he still spends time with him. I said he used to spend 5-6 nights a week with RB. I said 2-3 of those nights would be here, but he was still with him. H just shrugged. He just wants to be with me. He went out once without me for the first time in 3-4 weeks, and instead of staying out until midnight or later, he was home three hours later, leaving early so he could spend the rest of the night with me. He was also disappointed that after he made plans to go out that night, I went out with the kids somewhere else. He wanted to come with us instead but was already committed.

H has C scheduled again. This will be his first session back since we started reconnecting. That should be interesting. I'm happy about that, and I doubt he would have without some prodding from me. He said he needs to, and I have put the reminders out there for him to schedule it. I think he knows it needs to happen, but at the same time, he's feeling pretty good and happy and content. I'm sure right now he is just holding, thinking that if nothing changes, it will just stay this good. For me though, I need resolution and change. I need to keep moving. And I think that stagnation is what hurt us so much before.

My walls are up. I do trust that he loves me and would never hurt me and would never cheat on me again...just like I thought the same thing before BD too. So in other words, I don't trust. I think it's very unlikely. I think now he has experienced the pain that comes with it. I think he had to experience it to know. I know he does not want to get back to that place again. But there is no reason to trust that this will never happen again. There never was. There never will be. I have to take the good and take the bad with this growing up and loss of innocence. My eyes are open, and that means open to more good and bad.

Triggers are there. Far too much than I would expect. My thoughts tend to go there when I'm not thinking of anything else. These surreal moments of reality and truth, "Oh my g--, he cheated." "Oh my g--, he left me, pregnant." "Oh my g--, what am I doing?" One night I saw something. The book I stopped reading the day of owbd. And the bookmark was a list of the items we bought that evening after work, just hours before the ow discovery. I had a panic attack and H just held me, and I lost it. Crying. He just held me tight and kept talking to me, telling me, "I'm here." And then he just kept talking to me.

I keep thinking, does everyone who has had these kind of things happen to them, deal with this? It's not like my story is new. Cheating, abandonment, relationship destruction. It all happens, more often than not. Baby steps. It feels like we have been back together so much longer than we have. I have to stop and remember that I was still thinking of D just a few months ago. I'm much stronger now than I was then. This too shall pass.

Thanks so much everyone for your posts, insights, and encouragement. TB, I'll get back to you soon about where my inspiration/guidance has come from. The beginning was the DB book. But I always believed in marriage. I always fought for marriage, when it came to friends and family whose marriages were in troubled water. I just never thought I would have to fight for mine.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi my dear Raine!

H's replay buddy who recently got married is having a hard time with H not being as available.

Left Behind Buddy?

For me though, I need resolution and change. I need to keep moving. And I think that stagnation is what hurt us so much before.

Good for you for recognizing this and tending to it.

I'm sorry to hear the trust and triggers are causing you so much pain. I haven't gone through what you have, so I can only imagine how tough it must be at times. Even so, I'm here rooting for you and H, as you guys work through it all. Please keep us updated!

He and I always end up staying up way too late, hanging out, playing games, watching shows, and lots of physical activities...

What a show off. Haha, you deserve it!

[AJM]

Left behind buddy. That tickles me to no end.
Seems many MLCr's have that same cast around them. I can imagine it does make it harder to break free of them. Mine had that - it wasn't pretty

Raine, I would think you'll be untrusting for a while with periods of untrusting in the future. Keep in mind, that's you and your things to deal with primarily. Certainly he caused the need for you to have to deal with it, but you are the one.

And no, you are not the first to piece things back together and go through these emotions. I think you'll find some good information in the piecing your marriage back together forums

There are also some good books about that subject. It does seem to happen enough that books can be sold about it. Kind of like MLC I suppose.


Glad to hear you are where you are, Raine. You've come a long way, baby! (but don't put that pack down yet; it's just over that next rise...)

AJ

[uRworthy]

Hey my friend. So happy things continue to move forward for you.

I know you are struggling with some things. How can you not be? This was huge, life altering, soul crushing stuff. Dealing with the aftermath of all of that doesnt come easily.

Heres the thing. There are many positives in all this. You have seen what happens when things arent addressed. You have seen what happens when trust is broken. You have discovered what you need and want in a marriage.

And you have all new tools in your toolbox. You have new knowledge about what you need in order to get through all that.

So, try real hard not to get too far ahead of yourself. Each day, things will become clearer. Everyday that he is there, focused on family, takes a brick down from your wall. Everyday that he is where he says he is, where he shows you he loves you, where he is there for you, takes another brick away.

That wall you built, protects you. I lettered in walls. I know exactly why you have one. The thing about them is that they stop things from getting in, but they also stop you from letting things out.

This isnt going to be resolved in a short while. It took way too long to happen.

The triggers will lessen with time. As he takes away each brick. As you let him.

Until then, keep talking to him, Raine. Keep letting him in a bit.

Trust is earned over time, too. Little by little as you let him take away each brick.

Dont be too hard on yourself, my friend. Dont expect too much too soon. Allow yourself to feel what you do.

Just dont get in the way of yourself too much either, ya know?

[GatorGirl]

Wow, Raine!

I pop in to catch up on you every once in a while and holy smokes!! I am so incredibly happy for you-there are hardly words. I have no doubt that the remaining bits and pieces will come together for you and your H...you'll be able to air your grievances and say everything you need to say.

Maybe a new ring is in order? Re-set your old diamonds in a new setting or just trade in (trade up?) for something new? I know jewelry isn't exactly your first priority when you have four kids but that might be just the thing to make the old new again. The phoenix from the ashes and all that stuff.

PM me sometime if you want to catch up... I don't want to hijack your thread.

Big hugs,
GG

[Wonka]

Hey, Partner!

Right now, I'm brain dead...when I feel a bit more alive, I'll come back and post some thoughts.

How's your baby boy coming along? Teething? Where's he at in terms of development?

[Wonka]

Raine,

Are you out there??!

[Raine]

Hey Everybody! Yes, still kicking around. Sorry Wonka I started a post a few nights ago from my phone, and ended up losing it.

It amazes me to think that last year I was doing all of this on my own, all the driving, working full time, all the kid stuff, all the pregnancy stuff, all the reading, being on here a lot, being on other sites a lot. And now, I feel like I barely sleep and I'm always behind. Yes I have a teething baby boy, but he's super happy to crawl around and play while I get stuff done. S2 is really great with him and the older boys are super amazing. H helps out a lot with running kids to school, helping with homework, watching the kids so I can go out or get work done.

Still, as crazy as it sounds, I've come to the conclusion that having a husband is more time consuming than working 20+ hours a week while being a single mom. 2 hour of online time has now been replaced by 3 hour make-out sessions. I don't remember ever being like this with anyone ever. Sorry FY. Your time is coming buddy.

FY, I seriously laughed at "LBB." LBB is having a really bad time of it. His wife told me I have been blacklisted. Yup I called it. He doesn't want to hang out with H with me there, because H is too concerned about me and wants to do things I want to do, or thinks I want to do, not what LBB wants to do. Jealousy be brewing.

H asked me what plans we have for tomorrow night. I said nothing scheduled. He wanted to invite some old friends over, and if that didn't work out, he said let's just spend time together, you and I. This surprised me because I left him with the kids last night and went out, and tomorrow night is usually his night with LBB and other buddies without me. Interesting enough he has only done that once in the last 3.5 months, since we started reconnecting. That was two weeks ago and he came home early. I thought for sure he would go tomorrow night and I didn't plan anything on purpose. He and LBB haven't spoken in over a week now.

I'm realizing just how messed up LBB is. I knew he wasn't going anywhere in life, but more and more issues continue to popup with him. His wife of a month and a half is having a really rough time of it. She has a massive amount of expectations. I feel like I gave her some really good advice. A lot to do with compassion and understanding, as well as she always has a choice and focusing on her and what she will and won't do, not focus on him and what he is or isn't doing. Two hours worth of great advice I've gleaned from going through this last year, from reading, and all of you on the forums. And sitting here thinking about it, I'm realizing just how much I am the go to person for advice, especially relationship advice. I always have been, but now, there is a lot of people talking to me about it. People I will meet once, who then start talking to me afterwards and just completely open up about themselves and continue to come back to me over and over again. LBB's wife is now one of those friends too.

I wonder how long LBB's marriage will last, and I almost wonder if he got married because he admires H and wants what he has. He said he got married because he wants a family. He has also said for a very long time, even when H and I were separated (he doesn't know we were) that he wants to have a relationship like H and I do. He also adores our boys. But as far as life goes, LBB is still working no education required jobs, while H is the youngest at his level and destine for more advancements sooner rather than later.

It seems like H is ready to break free of LBB. He doesn't like to be controlled. Likely, LBB thinks that I am the cause of change and making demands, but I'm pretty chill-ax. H can do what he wants to do. I ain't his mother. I'm totally fine with him going out when and whenever he wants. That's his choice. And yes, it feels pretty amazing that all he wants to do is be with me. He is so interested in me, what I want, what I like, what I'm doing, what I think.

Thanks AJ for your sweet words. You're a pretty amazing guy! I'll have to spend some time checking out the piecing forum.

uR, I love you to death my friend. You have helped me so much. You know the thing I'm struggling with is I felt like things were addressed. I felt like we communicated. We spent a lot of time together, we dated, did things with other adults, lots of family time. I thought we were doing everything we should be doing. We were always doing so much more than other couples. I felt we were so much closer than other couples.

It was really hard for me, and still is extremely hard for me to accept this had to do with the marriage. I read the 5LL shortly after BD1, and I was thinking in my mind, check, check, check, check, check. I do these things. And I know I had bad moments and I'm not perfect. But what stands out so much is he said to me a week or so ago that he has the relationship he always wanted, and he realizes that almost all of it we already had. He feels closer to me than he ever has. He felt before that I never thought much of him, that he was never good enough, that I didn't love him. He said he was so blinded by the depression. That he was so stupid. That he couldn't see what he had in front of him.

There isn't a lot that is new. I'm different, but not that different. I'm happier. I'm more secure. But I was happy. I was secure. I like the changes. But if it was good then, like I truly believe it was, then that only makes my trust issues and walls that much bigger. And if minor imperfections in me or the marriage or whatever, lead to infidelity, I want off this ride.

There is some trust building. I don't check up on him like I did before. I just don't think to. The patterns have been very consistent for long enough for me to trust more. I have both feet in. And I'm no so much scared of it happening again, I just refuse to be made the fool.

Which reminds me...I got very upset a few days ago. I don't remember the last time I was upset, not like this. H had made a post about talking dirty and one of the women he has flirted with, no physical, made a comment about that's why it's so fun when he and she talk. I was so ticked. Like they have this secret thing that I don't know anything about. And I called him out on it. I sent him a message telling him I was really upset and it was all I could do to not comment back. He phoned me right away and said it was nothing. And I called him out on stuff. He apologized, but said it was nothing. And I know he never talks to her. He continued to reassure me that he hasn't even talked to her for a year and he is only interested in me. I told him that I'm not going to be made a fool. And he keeps saying, no one thinks that. But I know better. I'm so annoyed he still keeps all of them as FB friends. Yes, I could ask him to delete them, and he would, no problem. But I want that to come from him. He should do it because he knows it's inappropriate, not because I demand it.

And that's how I know that I'm not ready to deal with the past yet. Because the little things make me super angry. I'm still so close to all of it. He says something that I think it's a story change from something he has said in the past, and it sends me back a mile. Stupid, pointless things. Anything where I feel there isn't honesty, where the story has changed, brings it all back to me. And there is anger there.

GG! I was so excited to see your post. A lot of us have setup FB accounts. I'm on there as Raine DB if you want to message me there. I do think a new ring needs to happen. I'm just gonna see what he does about it.

[AJM]

But what stands out so much is he said to me a week or so ago that he has the relationship he always wanted, and he realizes that almost all of it we already had. He feels closer to me than he ever has. He felt before that I never thought much of him, that he was never good enough, that I didn't love him. He said he was so blinded by the depression. That he was so stupid. That he couldn't see what he had in front of him.

There isn't a lot that is new. I'm different, but not that different. I'm happier. I'm more secure. But I was happy. I was secure.

Respectfully, I disagree Raine. You have been "seasoned" a bit more. You're wiser. You're more relaxed and, well, you are more yourself. More authentic.

And that's when real relationships are made. When everyone involved is real.

As for the anger. You'll have that for a while to come. Until you fully deal with it, it will come up. You know that though, and that's more than half the battle. I think you were right to call him on his FB posts. If they are disrespectful of your relationship, then he should be called on it, even if he didn't think that was the case. He should feel comfortable doing the same to you if appropriate. That's part of the trust thing. Remember back when you didn't feel you could do that? I'd say you've come a long way in that regard, even there is more to do.

Glad to hear things are working well. Don't spend too much time here. Live your life! And work on that forgiveness - it'll set you free. Your whole family will be set free.

Take care,

AJ

[uRworthy]

uR, I love you to death my friend. You have helped me so much.

Love you, too, my friend. Honored if I helped in any way.

You know the thing I'm struggling with is I felt like things were addressed. I felt like we communicated. We spent a lot of time together, we dated, did things with other adults, lots of family time. I thought we were doing everything we should be doing. We were always doing so much more than other couples. I felt we were so much closer than other couples.

You know, Raine, I am sure you had a great marriage before. I think maybe when we look back at stuff, sometimes, we may not see it exactly as we did when we were in it. I say that because you wrote:

I think that stagnation is what hurt us so much before.

Now thats not to say it wasnt an amazing marriage. Just that there may have been some stuff that needed tending. No marriage is perfect. They all need to be tended to and should always be seen as a living thing.

It was really hard for me, and still is extremely hard for me to accept this had to do with the marriage.

He felt before that I never thought much of him, that he was never good enough, that I didn't love him. He said he was so blinded by the depression. That he was so stupid. That he couldn't see what he had in front of him.

But if it was good then, like I truly believe it was, then that only makes my trust issues and walls that much bigger. And if minor imperfections in me or the marriage or whatever, lead to infidelity, I want off this ride.

It was never about your marriage, Raine. It was about his crisis. Thats what led to it all. This just gave you an opportunity to fine tune your relationship.

The trust you are working towards should come from accepting that he was in crisis and depressed. It is a trust in yourself.It will come, my friend. This is all a process and you cant rush it.

Remember his words, that he was depressed, that he felt unworthy, that he didnt realize what he had, that he thought you didnt love him.. Let them allow you to take the walls down a bit. Your feelings about what you had are real. So are his feelings.

Of course, there is anger. There are other things, too, I know.

As I said, it's all a process. Just be open to the possibilities. This is going to take time, my friend. And thats ok. You want a marriage that can weather every storm.

Let it happen. Deal with stuff when you can, when you are ready. Dont get ahead of yourself. While I know there are triggers, there is anger, there are walls and trust issues, there is also a great love there.

You will have to deal with stuff one day. Do it from a place of strength and with the knowledge that you two have been through a really tough thing, but realize that you choose to be together.