Voldy took a sh*t fit on her. She told her she would not come and pick her up (it was a 10-15 min. drive) and that she expected her home at midnight or she was calling the police. D16 said Voldy kept phoning her back every two minutes and launching into speeches which included things like "you could get raped out there, you know" OMG. Here is D16 lost at 11 pm and Voldy is carrying on like an insane person! What a fruit loop I married. D16 got home at midnight after calling her bf, who knows the bus routes well, and he guided her home. I said to D16 that I wasn't excusing her mother's actions but "you know your Mom, she blows and can't stop herself and then the next day feels horrible and tries to make amends" Sure enough, when I picked D16 up she read and huge...and I mean huge, text from her mother saying she, Voldy, wished she had of handled the situation better and then went on about how proud she was of her daughter finding her way home in a difficult situation etc. Of course, she proceeded to explain why she reacted in such a way...blah blah blah. Anyway, I asked daughter if she replied and she said "no!She always does this Daddy and then we'll have to sit down and have a talk which will last for an hour" "
Wii,
Maybe this is an opportunity -- can D16 start learning how to practice self-care and set boundaries? She has learned to accept this treatment. How can she learn instead to treat herself with respect?
She's not learned it yet, she may as well learn how to do it with her mother now :-)
For example could she say, "if you do not speak to me in an appropriate manner I will hang up and not respond to your phone calls or texts" Other suggestions?
Wii- this made me cringe. I ALWAYS told my teens - "no matter what, no matter where - if you need me - I'll be there" if they'd drank too much - I would pick them up or pay for a cab or whatever. That they could call anytime. I might be temporarily pee'd off but I would come. I think you need to acknowledge your daughter's feelings of fear & abandonment (you did) & tell her that she needs to phone you no matter what - you are there for her. Voldy (first typed this as Coldy) is insane. This treatment of your daughter is abuse.
I think Old Timer is right...now is a time for your daughter to practice self-care.
My mom has a tendency to do that stuff too...I have had to learn (and it was a hard lesson)to say things like...Please stop using that tone of voice with me. I need to hang up now because I don't want to be disrespectful.
Or
I just was calling to inform you of such and such. I need to stop talking now so I can do whatever.
Or
I didn't call to discuss this with you, I just called to let you know that x,y,z happened. We can talk about it later.
"Stop. This is not OK. I am your daughter, a person."
"I will try to get home. I'm getting off the phone now. If you call back and I feel attacked, I will again get off the phone and stop answering the phone."
"I feel hurt and unloved. I need to take care of myself and get off the phone now."
Next day: "I don't need a long talk. I don't have the energy to put into it. I need to take some space to heal and I need you to treat me with gentleness, love, and respect."
"I don't feel safe with you."
Text: "I am working on getting home. I feel attacked by your words, tone, and actions. If there is an emergency or if you are volunteering to help, please send a text. Otherwise, please respect my need for space."
"I'm scared and feel that our relationship is at risk when you do things that I experience as verbal assault."
Thanks folks. My older daughter is very good at handling Voldy and will say such things as above. I've heard her say on the phone "I don't feel the need to discuss this any further so I'm hanging up now". Often we just ignore Voldy's "it's all about me" rants cuz we know afterwards she'll feel like crap for having acted that way. But I've always told the kids that if they want to discuss things with their mother they should wait till she's cooled off otherwise it's like trying to pull a bone out of the mouth of a dog, the more you pull the more they'll fight you. Voldy is good at arguing and fighting and guilting...she was raised that way. In fact, she's somewhat of a bully. She was upset with daughter on Saturday night so she kept calling her to get another shot in. "you made me angry and nw yo're gonna pay for it". Yes, maybe D16 needs to say "this is how your actions made me feel" Voldy can get way too caught up in her own world and at those times will forget how others might be feeling. It's certainly a narcissistic trait she owns. She's a real piece of work!
Thx Gineen. I had a talk with D16 on the way to her eye appointment tonight. We talked about boundary setting with Mom. After going through a few possible ways she could discuss this with her mother. I also suggested that she talk to her older sister, who seems to be able to boundary set with Mom. She told me that she talked to D20, who never fights with Mom anymore, and she told her just to agree with whatever Mom says and don't get angry. "you don't have to actually do what she says, just agree with her". Uh...ok. Anyway, I mentioned that I imagined she felt pretty abandoned on Saturday night and she agreed. I also told her that she can call on me anytime if she needs picked up in such situations and she thanked me. So, at least her feelings were acknowledged by someone. The saga continues
My dad has the mentality that he is always right and likes to be incontrol. Since his accident 24 years ago, that hasn't fully been the case. I know when he gets going, it is better to just let him blow. As far as actually taking his advice he knows I don't always. Since I came so close to losing him, things are a bit better. I appreciate him and know that he just has our best interests at heart even if he has the worst way of expressing it.
It never is really easy though. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think that's the best you can do. You are supporting & guiding her. You can't solve all her problems for her but you are teaching her ways to handle crisis. Our children of divorce often have more hurdles than most. In some cases their heart & spirit is damaged but it doesn't mean they will be defeated if we teach them coping skills.
She is lucky to have a fine dad. Some kids have no good parenting at all.
