still hopeful... no matter where life takes me

[labug]

You can't. Pure and simple.

He has a condition and is controlled by a substance.

((( )))

[juliegayle]

So in reality how do I work out things like finances and making sure he knows about important s stuff. I am asking because I really don't know.

[3boymom]

If his actions show that he can't act like an adult, then you make the decisions for yourself and s, including financial decisions. I would recommend sending your H an email with any logistical information that he may need. I'd you send it via email, you have a record that you provided the information and you don't need to get into a discission with someone who is not capable of communicating. I found that this helped me a lot right after BD. If I called to talk logistics, H acted as if I was trying to control him and check up on him. It gave him a chance to be mean. The emails allowed me the ability to communicate important info without having to engage my mean and angry H. H is in a very different, better place now but I still initiate contact with H via text and email almost exclusively. Hope this helps. Hang in there. I know how hard it is to be subjected to their anger all the time.

[labug]

3's advice is good. He's not in a place where he can do those things. You can't ignore the needs of your family waiting for him to get it.

[bluesgal]

Julie-I agree with 3. Sad, but the unfortunate reality of these sitch's.

[juliegayle]

I had a littlish break through this morning. H often loses stuff when he drinks. He "falls asleep" wherever and stuff falls out of pocket or off him. I would always drop whatever I was doing and help him when he was frantically looking the nect day. (I was told this was enabling and not letting him suffer any consequences). Before BD he was grateful for help. After it just made him mad.

Before BD I would also say things like "well if you weren't drinking" and "I can't believe you lost x that you spent so much money on. "

This morning I did none if that. I just went about my morning. The breakthrough is that I didn't have to tell myself. .think..don't do that...dont say that.. it was a few hours later that I realized how different that small moment was from hundreds in the past.

Maybe some of the changes are starting to stick.

[3boymom]

Julie - Your post made me smile It feels great to realize that things are starting to sink it. It really is empowering and gives you strength to keep moving forward. Plus it shows that you can really change your life even if your H is not doing anything different.

[melissag]

What 3 said.

You are doing great, Julie!

[bluesgal]

We're capable of anything if we put our minds to it. You are awesome and I'm glad you noticed even a 'littlish' change.

[juliegayle]

I am feeling overwhelmed tonight. Just when I think I can do It all by myself. ..

I worked all day then pick up s. We get home a little after 6 and the first thing I notice is the sink overflowing with dishes. I wash everyday but when h checked out of M he stopped doing anything. I try to leave his big messes but it piles up.

Then I take the dog out but he is having stomach issues and needs a longer walk. I can't leave S alone but he goes into full blown tantrum mode when I tell him to come with me.

Then the puppy gets out of basement and it is Ww 3 between dogs.

S still hasn't eaten. Microwave leftover which he refused. Also refused a sandwich. I ended up letting him eat a donut and feeling like a horrible mom.

Then I made a huge mistake and called H and left a message asking him to come home after work so I could walk dog.

He came and then rushed out saying it was my night to watch s. He still won't discuss a schedule but he seems to think that since he watches s on nights I work late any other night is my night with s.

So I am left with the responsibility for "his puppy".

I know it is just a question of figuring out logistics (i can buy a lead for outside so I don't need to leave s alone) but tonight it was too much and now I am feeling really alone.