Me 14 months on, affair confirmed, someone new?

[hotwheelsaust]

HWA,

Oh boy!! This is a challenging situation for sure...no two ways about it.

Speculating about a person's sexuality is just that...speculation. The main issue is that your W is now with OW. Not too different from 325 DBers here. If your W was with an OM, would that make things different and alter your DBing? Nope...DBing is the same principle across the board here.

Now to the real nitty gritty here. I think there are some valuable takeaways here, HWA.

1) Your sons' seem not to feel comfortable with you nor trust you for whatever reasons of their own. I think it goes back to the tattoo controversy and it just snowballed from there and on. To bury it for once and for all, don't do anything like this again. I was afraid that it would have been a serious setback for you. I do hope you recognize and realize the seriousness of this matter.

My suggestion is to work on your relationship with your sons. Meaning taking a more open and interested approach to them. Ask them open ended questions about their interests, hobbies, dreams and aspirations. Perhaps offer to help with house/car/truck projects as means to bond with them once again. This means NADA, NEYT, NON on W and her situation. Sure, if sons bring up past memories of their Mom, you can say a something positive about the memory.

2) STFU about your W to friends and family...drop questions and fishing for details about W. These questions make them uncomfortable because you put them in the middle and they feel put on the spot. No one likes that at all.

For now, the main focus is to re-build your relationship with your sons. Call them up for chats, perhaps dinner once every two weeks, then have them cover for cook outs. You get the picture, HWA.

Are you able to do this?

And what is the date of your first encounter with W and the OW?

Sorry Wonka, your reply came while I was finishing off my last reply.

Absolutely there is no difference with my sitch compared to all the others. Just a different sex of other person, but the working/fixing/repairing is all the same. Agree.

Yes I believe the tattoo was the main problem. In my defense, when I got it, I told the boys about the positive reason I got it done. To remind me, not to let things slip by, by finding excuses not to do them.
I did tell the SIL and friend that the other day as well.
I also did spend a lot of time thinking about getting the tattoo, it wasn't a thing done on the spot. But yes, I do agree about how serious the repercussions were from it.

I do need to and want to work more on my relationship with the sons. Again it is hard, when for the last six months, our conversations have been all about them. I have asked questions, both open and closed, about their activities, work and social life. I have offered, while now back home, to help with working on youngest son's van, to help with fixing oldest son's car tyre. I have offered them to come and swim or play pool at my/our house. I think the biggest thing I need to do, as mentioned already, is STFU about the W. Simple as that. While I thought I was trying to show some empathy or care by asking simple questions, they are just coming to the boys as nagging, complaining and demanding of answers.
So that is my next big step to take. STFU.

This also goes for the SIL and friend. I have heard enough, I have had some of my answers I was looking for, found. There is nothing else to talk about. So STFU to them as well.

This is probably the biggest change that will be a positive for me. Can I do this. Yes. Will I do it. Yes. Is there any options? No.

The date of the 21st party is the 22nd Feb. At this stage, I am probably going to go. To be the better person, to focus on being there for the future DIL. If I am not going to talk to my sons about the W anymore, then how do I even think about bringing up the party issue. Bugger the W being there with the OW.