PatientMan - 6th Edition - Acting Divorced

[PatientMan]

Just reflecting: I think I reacted so harshly (internally) to XW pushing me away this last time because I really thought things were moving in the right direction and that there was a chance that what I had been hoping for, suffering through, persevering through, what I wanted SO BADLY was now beginning to be within my grasp.

And then it was all gone again in an instant and there's more distance from XW than there has been in a long time. Boy, does that hurt!

As I've posted before, love is the will to execute selflessly for the benefit of others. As I'm going through my own process I will still love her, and her desire is to be "okay on her own." So I will do what I can to help her get there, which for the most part will be doing nothing and just letting her be.

I will admit it is painful to lose contact and connection, and it is painful to watch her struggle, but I need to resist the urge to swoop in and save the day. I need to resist the urge to say "hi" and probably even to listen to her at length. She even said, "I have to stop relying on you to hug me at the end of the day to make me feel better."

And I will continue to work on myself. Perhaps it was a mistake to even allow myself to consider things were finally moving my way. Is that how I stop the pain in the future? Close myself off? I don't know. That sounds like the way to avoid pain, but not the way to R if she is ever ready.

How do I be responsive without opening up my heart again? That's my million dollar question, though I fathom with the current status of my sitch I will have plenty of time to figure that one out.

-PM