Perspective - The Reality of the Trip

[RealityTrip]

I hope you feel better Wonks! Thanks for spending time with me today in my journey.

Would you feel better if I told you that I still do think about Ms. Wonka's OW from time to time.

^^^ ummm NO! LOL!!! I do not want to think about her in a week let alone years. Seriously... yes it does. It shows me I'm not as stuck as I'm feeling on it. It just is what it is. And I am not alone.

My thoughts center around two main themes:

1) Landing a right hook squarely on the OW's jaw
2) What is it about the OW that is "better" than me?

^^^ #1 I see mine more as an upper cut with the left before the right knocks her teeth out. ROFL!!! Bug is gonna get me! This is not a tiny buddha way of thinking!

My #2 is more like... "I want W to tell me OW was not "better" than me." It's one of the last needs for external validation that I am having trouble releasing.

... our insecurities so we seek reassurance from our spouses that we are still quite the catch to them. Silly, vicious cycle to be sure. That is until we can trust and VERIFY that our spouses's actions line up with their words. Then perhaps we can relax and feel safe emotionally with our spouses. Right now, I think you do not feel safe with your W--emotionally.

Isn't this what you're experiencing lately, RT?

I think I am definitely craving reassurances from her right now. And you are right. I don't feel I am completely safe emotionally with her. I am so programmed (by myself) to not "Beg, Plead, Cry, or Pursue", that I am not very free with all of my emotions. I am showing her love and acceptance and support, but I am not showing her the biggest insecurity and fears... just pieces of them. I don't trust her with them. I am afraid she will hurt me. I'm afraid she has no idea the depth of pain that I felt and as soon as she sees the truth of it, she would run the other way from her own guilt and shame. And at the deepest level, I'm afraid she will not validate that pain to my satisfaction. It's almost like a self-imposed limbo. Not letting her in all the way but acting like I am. And let's face it, she more or less has told me she's not ready to examine "me" with me anyway... that's MC territory and she has asked for IC time. So no, I don't trust her with my pain. Not until she does and says so much more.

In my marriage, before the betrayal of my life, I would never have felt this way. I was so safe with my W, or so I thought. I shared everything with her... or so I thought. But then again, would my marriage be in this mini-series if really had?!?!? I wonder...


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Wouldn't be great if we could all just blame them for everything and run off into the narcissistic, wild blue yonder, flying somewhere over the rainbow on a bottle of gin? But Noooooo. We don't do that. We have to examine ourselves and try to expand and grow ourselves.

Stinkin' grown-ups.