I'm in the same boat as suckerpunch. I don't think I could be friends with XW because I would always be wanting more. And I don't want to live my life always wanting more.
But I can be, and am, friendly.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
You're saying you can't be friends with her unless she is committed to reconciling? First, the two of you will be coparents for the REST OF YOUR LIVES. Do you want to have a friendly relationship with the other coparent or a resentful, angry, antagonistic relationship? And if you answer the latter, then let me rephrase it and ask which is best for your D? Second, do you think your W would ever consider reconciling if you can't demonstrate to her first that you can be good friends? You've probably heard me mention my buddy that has been piecing, his wife was one of those angry, spiteful WAW's, she HATED him when she left. They barely spoke for over a year. After they started talking it was another year before they started going out together and that was strictly as friends. It was many months after that before they became intimate again. For many reconciled couples, becoming friends again was the first step in the rebuilding process.
Suckerpunch - I completely understand where you are coming from. I agree that there is a difference between being friendly and being friends. I think that you can be amazing co-parents and act friendly towards one another without being great friends. I know that in my situation, the OW is the reason why I cannot be friends with my H. Even if I wanted to be friends, it is not possible. H cannot talk to me openly about work and his activities because they often involve the OW. My H's job is the biggest thing in his entire life. So if I cant be involved in the biggest thing in his life, than I am not really friends with him. Everything is simply superficial. Maybe it will change in the future, but I am not sure if OW remains in the picture.
I don't wish to be negative or combative with W. I don't think we need to be enemies. I just do not know if I could ever be great friends, or even just FIRENDS with her without being able to heal our marriage. I think I would always have a constant reminder of the hurt, too much so that a friendship would be very difficult. I can and will however, be friendly towards her. I have been doing that for a while now. I meet her openly and amicably at all times. I try to stay very upbeat and not rock the boat. I am trying my very best to co-parent with her. Unfortunately, I can't see myself being pals with the mother of my child, the true love of my life, my wife, while she was with another man, in another place, and she is keeping my daughter from living and growing with me. That is something I cannot put aside my feelings about. That would make a friendship very difficult for me.
Just because that's what you feel today, doesn't mean it will be that way in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 15 yrs.
Don't close yourselves off from anything.
Y'all are young, there's lots of life to be lived.
I know that is good advice, but it is very difficult to follow. I don't know if there's anything worse than living under a different roof than your kids, where you don't get to raise them as a father should anymore. Taking it a step further, to have someone else step in and fill that day-to-day dad role that should be yours...
To have the person who took them away from you be your friend? That's asking a lot. Maybe when the kids are grown and gone, but not when they just need their dad to be there for them...to help them brush their teeth, or teach them long division, or snuggle with them in bed when they've had a nightmare.
But I do think you're probably right.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Most things that are good for us are difficult. So does that mean we just don't try?
Certainly not, but I understand someone's inability to do so at a certain point. The person has to heal and be ready to accept someone who causes them daily pain as a friend. That is a tall order, not to be taken lightly.
My problem with friendship, different than suckerpunch's, is I have to figure out a way to fall OUT of love with XW. I've tried being friends while IN love with her, and I/we can't seem to make it work.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
All of your responses mimic my thoughts exactly, PM. I still very much love W. I probably always will. For me to be friends with her, knowing that she chose not to be with me, chose to take daughter out of my home, leave our friends and family and start this life with someone who is seemingly much less than myself is very difficult.
La, Don't get me wrong. I would love nothing more than to be great friends with W and OM. In a perfect world, wouldn't it be great if we could do things together and enjoy each others company? Sure it would. unfortunately, the hurt, the anger and the feeling that she is not doing what is best for daughter (or herself) makes it very hard on me. Cap that off with the feeling that she simply gave up and walked away without HONESTLY trying to save the marriage makes it even that much harder. So, how do I get there? How do I become "friends" with someone that has hurts me so much, especially when I have a 7 year old constant reminder that things are not the way they are supposed to be? How does W get passed the hurt and anger? It's a pretty tall order. I want to be that person. I just don't know how to disconnect my sad feelings and hold onto the good ones. Any advice?
You're still keeping score. Go back and read your early posts. I'm not saying beat yourself up over the past, just accept that you had a role in this thing. You do that at times and then you always come back to, it's all her fault. Both partners have a role.
I'm not advocating you become besties and do things together but rather pointing out where she clearly indicated she wants the R to go. Your shared grief may have caused her to overstate.
You do presumably have a lot of life in front of you, when we're open to possibilities we don't know where life will take us.
It would be wonderful to have a friendly, open R with the mother of your D.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
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