New to This - An English Man In Trouble

[Hadlee58]

Hi Jon thanks for your input much appreciated, it is ridiculous and I think a lot of damage has been done, there is nothing but losers in this situation. Regarding the counselling maybe I didn't paint myself in glory in June but I think at the time I was just kidding myself, my wife wouldn't have then and won't now, not that I have asked recently. I like the idea of doing some counseling to better and improve me, having read books I think again I am fooling myself that some of my faults are history,clearly not - that can be my research plan for the weekend to keep me busy
Thanks!!!!

[Hadlee58]

Well a quick update:
My wife decided not to go away for the weekend and opted to stay home. Things were pretty tense friday night through to saturday lunch when i decided it was time to take the bull by the horns and sort this mess out. I took my wife to my parents and we talked through in a calm manner and managed to clear the situation up, hindsight is a wonderful thing and if i can take anything out of this its to get in early and sort without delay. A simple call/chat with my parents the morning after the incident would have gone a long way to saving a lot of heartache, all cleared up and i can take my responsibility for letting it drag on.
Things did lighten up after this and i am back on calmer waters (for how long is anyones guess!). I do feel an air of calm within myself in that i am prepared for whatever comes, in the meantime i will continue to work on myself. In some ways i have lost a bit of self respect for her in this episode and whilst i am not ready to throw the towel in yet i dont feel so inclined to worry about what my actions do to her or make her feel if that makes sense? and that she now has some work to do and its not all on my shoulders.....
During our last R conversation (over Xmas) she mentioned that she cant just turn on her feelings again but we are heading in the right direction, one nugget i missed or hadnt thought too much into was when she said she had felt unloved and our marraige has been bad for years - for me to hope things might be back on track in 6-9 months is probably wishful thinking, my worry is that she sees this as some sort of penance for me. I will continue working on me (am looking at gyms to join this week) and understand how she feels and what she needs and hope she doesnt loose any more of my respect before we can get to the stage of moving on, hopefully with the help of some outside resources .

Thanks!!!

[AnotherStander]

That's great news and sounds like it was maybe a 180 on your part! Job well done!!!

[lovethehub]

my worry is that she sees this as some sort of penance for me.

I doubt that, esp if she is trying to work things out. However, this makes me wonder if you truly understand how lonely and unloved she felt during those years. It isn't easy to just turn it back on and it takes a lot of work and a lot of love. Most likely there is a part of her that is afraid that if she opens herself up to you again, the same thing will eventually happen and she will be alone and feeling unloved again.

[Hadlee58]

AS thanks for the compliment, it certainly feels like i did this outside my comfort zone, there is a bit of a feeling i am papering over some fairly big cracks. Last night i brought up that my parents always pick the kids up from school on a Thursday to which she replied that wont be happening for a while, i wanted to explore this a little as i see this as punishment for both the kids and my parents when we both agreed over the weekend that nothing bad had happened and i was keen to labor the point back then are we all happy with the discussion and if not lets thrash out some more. I get the feeling that she still thinks there is more to this but isnt prepared to discuss further, she mentioned that either my daughter is lying or trying to punish her?. She is a very protective mother by nature and i know both our families dont get the time with the grandkids they probably would like and this seems to have pushed her back, it will be a slightly difficult convo with my parents to tell them Thursday is off but i think i will just tell them the truth. I did say that now its a new year it may be time to think of reconnecting with my family (she used to get on so well with them all). She replied that may be we need to sort 'us' out first, ouch!
Lovethehub thank you also for your feedback, it was just the way she had commented on something that made me think that ( i am good at mind reading ). I do totally agree with you that if she has felt like that for years then it will take a lot of time to build that trust back up and i have no doubt she is afraid to take the next step. I have some real concerns right now that my wife is in a really bad place (personally) and i so hope she can figure her own way out of it. The woman i see now is nothing like the beautiful caring woman i once knew and want back. These are her issues though and whilst i am willing to do all i can to help she needs to ask, in the meantime continue to GAL - registered for a marathon yesterday on the 6th April so this should keep me busy

Thanks H

[Hadlee58]

Well it looks like 'D' day is looming this week. After a fairly tense weekend where we both seemed to have lost the fight. We had a discussion last night instigated by me if nothing else to clear the air. I wanted to let my W know that as things arent panning out as we had expected i am taking myself off the rollercoaster and working on me. This isnt a course we can take with me working alone and when she is in a place to want to work on our R then i am prepared for this. She raised a few points:
-This is going to be a great year for her.
-The episode with my daughter proved that i put my family first (ahead of her).
-Our marriage has been a sham from day one, i have been controlling her for the whole marriage.
-On her nannas anniversary last Tuesday (of her death 10 yrs ago) i sent her flowers from me and the kids (she really was a sweet old lady) and that night i toasted her with a drink, my wife completely denies this toasting ever took place and i shunned her attempt to do the same - staggeringly strange that she cant remember this. Again this was unacceptable from me and has hurt her this week like nothing else.
To top this all off my father came to see me at work today.... I had called with the kids to see them yesterday and they obviously know there is something not right as my wife didnt want to come. He mentioned that they are both really struggling with the idea that them not picking the kids up is cruel to them (i must say my mother looked terrible yesterday and has the look of a woman with the weight of the world on her shoulders). I can see how this looks to them and i but i told him as there is no crystal ball he needs to be patient, he took this ok but i think they are adding to my pressure.
Pressure is coming in from all sides today and is getting a little unbearable. I really am at a loss how to move forward DB seems to be far from my mind yesterday/today.....
Apolgies for the garbled message im in a rush to see an unhappy customer, oh the joys!!!
If any one has a desert Island that needs looking after, i am your man

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, whether in the form of 2x4's or told you so's

H

[AnotherStander]

Everything on your W's list pretty much falls under the category of WAS spew. I wouldn't spend any sleepless nights contemplating it. When they spew like that you just have to valdate and then go about your business.

Pressure is coming in from all sides today and is getting a little unbearable.

Try and distance from your W as much as you can. When you're around her just be totally businesslike. If she starts spewing again then don't engage, just nod, say things like "that sounds really frustrating" and let it go. If your parents are pressuring you then remind them that this IS NOT ABOUT THEM!!!! THEY need to support YOU in this, not the other way around.

[MrBond]

Well you pushed the issue so that's what you got. It seems as if YOU couldn't handle things or wait till things evened out and then you pushed until you got what you wanted.

No one adds to your pressure but yourself.

[Hadlee58]

Thanks AS for the kind words, i know i didnt do too well but whats done is done. I found it particularly difficult to validate when she is straight out lying/or deciding to see things differently. Sometimes i can get myself into a personal fog that makes DB'ing difficult, last night i kept my distance and we didnt really interact, i think it needs a bit of time to let us both calm down. I agree with the part about my parents and they are not helping me (no doubt well meaning) and next time i speak to them i will let them know what i expect from them.
I am feeling a little bit clearer today and am back on the DB horse.
Its great that the majority of people on here maybe understand that some of us (i know i do) find this more difficult than others and need a gentle prod in the right direction and help and can do this in a kind way with humility. This isnt lost on me and i can only say thank you for your post yesterday it really helped me re-focus and knowing i am not alone in all this.

Cheers H

[AnotherStander]

I found it particularly difficult to validate when she is straight out lying/or deciding to see things differently.

Yes it's difficult, but it's the quickest way to not only diffuse things but to help the WAS to see the LBS in a different light. The WAS has decided that the LBS is solely responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened to them. They see the LBS as mean, angry and uncooperative. They expect conflict every time a conversation happens. And if they don't get the conflict they expect, they start pushing the LBS's buttons. The WAS wants the LBS to be rude and mean because it justifies their "image" of the LBS, it tells them they were right to BD. So when the LBS shows them dignity, respect and patience, it throws them off their game. It sometimes even makes them angrier! But if you stick to it then eventually they start asking themselves if maybe they're wrong about the LBS. It has a cumulative effect, that's why we always say it takes months of consistent changed behavior before the WAS might change their mind about the LBS.

last night i kept my distance and we didnt really interact

That is not at all a bad thing. We often say to give the WAS time and space, but we don't often talk about how the LBS often needs time and space too. If you need it then take it.

I agree with the part about my parents and they are not helping me (no doubt well meaning) and next time i speak to them i will let them know what i expect from them.

They do indeed mean you well, so validate them- thank them for what they've done. But sometimes loved ones need to be reminded that THEY are not at the center of the sitch, WE are. They often get caught up in how it's affecting them, what it means to them, and they forget their priority is supporting US.

Its great that the majority of people on here maybe understand that some of us (i know i do) find this more difficult than others and need a gentle prod in the right direction and help and can do this in a kind way with humility. This isnt lost on me and i can only say thank you for your post yesterday it really helped me re-focus and knowing i am not alone in all this.

You are quite welcome! That's why it's a good to keep posting updates, sometimes we're so close to our sitches that we need these forums so impartial observers can give some input now and then