What is up with me and the space I am renting the xOW in my head lately???? crazy It's kind of driving me nuts. I can't quite pinpoint what the real issue is. It's got to be some kind of of insecurity in regards to my W being home.

In 6 days my W will have been home for 3 months. The exact amount of time she lived with xOW. (although we were separated for almost 9 months total.) I've kind of been focused on that too... not sure if they are related.

But I digress, xOW... see!... she is even getting her own post on my DB thread. LOL! It's been quiet on the xOW front. Seemingly too quiet... I think I was expecting more pursuit of my W by xOW. Maybe I'm fearful of putting my guard down?

I told my W the other day that I feel like I'm falling into a more trusting station with her and that it scares me and makes me feel vulnerable. About the same time that this started to happen... xOW thoughts/memories/comparisons began again.

Originally I thought it might be a trigger because my W went back to work and I was off to pick her up at the airport... like old times... the times where she was working out of town with xOW and in an affair for years (they no longer work for the same company.) But I feel like it's deeper than just that...

What do you all think? For those of you that know my sitch pretty well?... I've got to find the connection and fear that is prompting me to revisit this habit so far into my journey.

Am I stopping myself from getting too comfortable with W being home? Keeping some pain nice and fresh so I don't have to experience the trauma of a new wound if it all falls to sh*t?

Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13