Me 14 months on, affair confirmed, someone new?

[Fartiltre]

HWA,
What a post…I have a hard time imagining what you are going through these days and I am real sorry that you have to. This is more than anybody deserves.


What really hits me in all of this is your R with your sons! That’s what I believe matters the most in all of this.
I do not have the experience to comment that much on this but when I read this it comes out strange.

I asked how is mum? Has she gained or lost weight? Got a haircut etc? So it seems I need to shut my mouth with regards to anything about their mum.

To me it seems like you do not bring up the subject but if they do, then you talk and ask to much…don’t! Next time ask about the movie or what else they might have been doing. Do NOT discuss W with them AT ALL, do not ask questions about her, do not comment on her – leave her be but if you have to state something make it something nice. If they bring her up then listen and only if asked a direct question you should talk, but again only if you have something nice to say. Your sons could be hurting a lot and if you come out as downtalking their mother….well you get the picture! They will take it out on you! They might already be doing that.

I really hope some of the VETs will comment on this one – I do agree with Subguy comments!

I also want to ad that your sons staying at SIL could simply be them trying to avoid taking side. They might be afraid of how your W would interpret them moving to your place. I certainly remember these thoughts when my own mom and dad split up!
They might be walking egg-shells as well!


While this stings I also think there is some positive to it! SIL and friend did open up. They shared. If they didn’t care at all I do not believe they would have done so. It is my hope for you that this honesty can continue – because for the first time in many months you actually now have some kind of picture of what is going on. You got some of the answers that you have been longing for! These answers make it a lot easier to work things. I know they are not saying what you would like to hear and at the same time what they are saying can come out unreasonable. I think SIL and others are defending the family peace to what they believe is the best. They are guarding the peace.

- You now know that most of the people around you, knows about the affair – even your sons.
- You know the family might even blame the affair for breaking up your M and that they know W broke the M
- You know that the family does not like the new W better than the old. That they – as you – see her changes and find them negative.
- You know they think she was nasty against you and that they do not like her attitude

…but you also know that the family has to get around with OW – what else should they do? It is Ws family.

This is her sister talking to you! When I finished writing this it hit me hard that this is not a negative! She is confiding in you, she is trusting you, and she is downtalking her sister, BUT at the same time she is standing up for her family…

Again it seems that everything I do or say is taken out of context.

That’s why you need to do as little as possible and what you do should be positive and nice all the way as long as the family might see it.
I have earlier on spoken my opinion on the tattoo and I can still see why the family sees this like they do. You got clearance on this part to during this talk.

You got a lot of clearance and IMO they did NOT put you down. They pointed out the mistakes you have made and the hurt you have caused during this. They also excused you by telling that no matter what you do – you have no chance of doing right. And then they downtalked W.

HWA, take all of this to the bank and start working it – you already came up with a good list of thing you have to do.

I do hope the VETs will chime in and help you with advice regarding your sons!

I am sorry that you had to go through this but I do hope that all the answers given to you will give you a little peace when it sinks in and the hurt lessens.
F