It's the final play in The Playbook. If it works, it's the last play I'll ever have to run.
I don't want to play the game any more. I want to win.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
It's gonna be LEGEN...wait for it...DARY. With an 83% chance of success.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
If you don't want to play the game anymore, why continue to play?
I DON'T want to play any more. I want to WIN.
Originally Posted By: labug
And what if it's not a game?
It's just a metaphor.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
How did your W react to the conversation and the boundaries?
She was in general agreement. She has maintained for over two years that she has to be "okay on her own" before she could ever consider moving forward with me again. So even though she was obviously moving closer and closer to me, she was still "spook-able" and realized she wasn't ready yet.
So let's do this whole "boundary" thing and see how it works. As labug pointed out, at least it will provide some clarity. The downside is that I will get to see the kids less...I will be less a part of their daily lives and that really hurts.
Previously I was the one helping out with homework, talking to them about their day, doing devotions with them, and tucking them in at night. *I* already miss that, I know the girls will miss that, and it's an extra burden on XW to take care of those duties.
But she is determined, so I'm laying off.
Originally Posted By: melissag
What about your girls?
We will formally talk to them soon about the changes, but we've already mentioned phrases like "mom's weekend" and "dad's weekend." However, they don't fully grasp what's going on and it's hurting them when I'm not sticking around like usual.
Originally Posted By: melissag
How was the first week with the new rules in place?
It was brutal. I saw my T on Saturday, who suggested that I seriously consider going on ADs.
Originally Posted By: melissag
Please remember, whenever you are having a hard time, you can always come here to vent or just get some virtual hugs.
(((PM)))
Thanks!
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I really do miss my BF as well. But I finally came to realize that getting my W back would not bring my BF back, because the person that inhabits my old W's body now is not the person I loved and considered my BF. That person is gone, maybe never to return. It's possible that I could build a new M with this new person, but for better or worse it would not resemble the old M in many ways.
Originally Posted By: PatientMan
I don't want to play the game any more. I want to win.
Hmmm. Well what is "winning" to you? Is it getting your W back? I think I had that attitude about my sitch for a long time, and I think it put me at odds with my W since her goal was the complete opposite. To her "winning" was just getting the hell out of the M. I later revised my overall goal to finding my way back to a happy life, and then defined a bunch of small goals to help me achieve that larger goal.
I really do miss my BF as well. But I finally came to realize that getting my W back would not bring my BF back, because the person that inhabits my old W's body now is not the person I loved and considered my BF. That person is gone, maybe never to return. It's possible that I could build a new M with this new person, but for better or worse it would not resemble the old M in many ways.
That's the thing: she's still there. When she was moving closer to me, it was feeling like old times. We have a great time together and we get along great. We laugh a lot. We still love each other and are attracted to each other. It's like there's this magnetic force between us and if at least one of us isn't proactively resisting that force, then we start to pull together. It still, 2+ years later, takes active resistance to stop that from happening (which is what we're trying to do with the boundaries).
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Hmmm. Well what is "winning" to you? Is it getting your W back? I think I had that attitude about my sitch for a long time, and I think it put me at odds with my W since her goal was the complete opposite. To her "winning" was just getting the hell out of the M. I later revised my overall goal to finding my way back to a happy life, and then defined a bunch of small goals to help me achieve that larger goal.
Yes, "winning" in this context is getting her back. When she stops signaling me that there is still something between us, then I'll revise my goal.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Just reflecting: I think I reacted so harshly (internally) to XW pushing me away this last time because I really thought things were moving in the right direction and that there was a chance that what I had been hoping for, suffering through, persevering through, what I wanted SO BADLY was now beginning to be within my grasp.
And then it was all gone again in an instant and there's more distance from XW than there has been in a long time. Boy, does that hurt!
As I've posted before, love is the will to execute selflessly for the benefit of others. As I'm going through my own process I will still love her, and her desire is to be "okay on her own." So I will do what I can to help her get there, which for the most part will be doing nothing and just letting her be.
I will admit it is painful to lose contact and connection, and it is painful to watch her struggle, but I need to resist the urge to swoop in and save the day. I need to resist the urge to say "hi" and probably even to listen to her at length. She even said, "I have to stop relying on you to hug me at the end of the day to make me feel better."
And I will continue to work on myself. Perhaps it was a mistake to even allow myself to consider things were finally moving my way. Is that how I stop the pain in the future? Close myself off? I don't know. That sounds like the way to avoid pain, but not the way to R if she is ever ready.
How do I be responsive without opening up my heart again? That's my million dollar question, though I fathom with the current status of my sitch I will have plenty of time to figure that one out.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
