JF, my brother's 2nd wife seemed to be the happiest, most domestic, slightly conservative housewife in the world. Since their divorce, she's a dedicated, liberal, feminist lesbian. I think it's hard to pin down how a label applies to someone - was she gay all along? Was she tired of being hurt by men and made the decision to change? Was she always struggling with this? All large issues and too much speculation from outside the sitch.
Not criticizing you for asking - it is something that people are going to be curious about in a sitch like this. And I hope I'm not making HWA feel bad... just an observation because I've seen a similar situation.
The pain is the same, weather it's an OW or OM for you, HWA, I understand. HWA, in the book I'm reading on surviving affairs, it mentions the feeling that our spouse is used/taken advantage of... I feel that strongly in my sitch, too. But,we also must remember that they made a conscious decision (lots of decisions, really) to be unfaithful. So, we mustn't put them on a pedestal. Also, although we must understand our contribution to marital unhappiness that lead to our partner's having affairs - we must not take on too much of the blame. I know you understand your part, as you've stated.
Just don't carry too much of the weight of that cross, brother. Let us help you shoulder it.
