feel like he's getting best of both. gets his space yet gets enough d time to satisfy him. I am upbeat when we talk.... he is funny, mostly his usual, not angry. but then I get my hopes up... sometimes think, I should move on. in my heart though, I know if he made any movement towards R...the door is still very open here. I am mad at h, but even more so I feel sad. wish we could talk! that is the hardest part.
i feel like this too sometimes. i resent that i even have that door cracked open. i don't like that he can create this world for himself with a bit of this and a bit of that- i can hear him saying "i thought i could have it all". and he is. really, isn't he??? i hate that he can dole it allll out to himself as he wants it - me included.
i see truth(or possibility) in the db process - HOWEVER i feel like - i absolutely hate being this little dog in her house- take me for a walk and head scratch- then slam me back in my litle house in the yard and i just sit there. (then i want to really dislike myself for not being a bigger dynamo who mans up and detaches totally) as in- ditches his @ss in a flame of glory- and is out of here - forever).
my brain says the gratification of that would wain and i'd be sorry later.
this db business of just remaining calm and neutral in the background0- soooo goes against my grain really. i don't have faith in him so much- have it in "the process" i think, have it in me, just not sure if, in the end, well, not sure what sort of person he is anymore. i'm wondering if the old guy i loved is dead and gone and i'm not knowing that.
unfortunately- then it throws it in my lap (my very very prudent, hesitant,(dbing),know-i-hate-loneliness -& -poverty-lap) to do something to end it. therein the snaggle.
oh well- i'm depressing myself now. SOME ONE of you said if you decide to have a good day- yhou do. i think it's true too- so here's me saying it "out loud" to you guys- i'm going off now to have a great day. accomplish stuff around here (actually painted more in cellar walls- moved around some stuff- moved more out of house- also making my daily pledge to do enough TO MAKE A big VISUAL DIFFERENCE today- ta da. gonna do it.....
thanks guys- for sharing your lives - it is sure a sinkhole of a place to find oneself- but hey- look at this, I'm in very good company. it's not just me rite.? it's more like "life"...
