Suckerpunch, the final thread

[AnotherStander]

I replied to her in a text saying, "thank you for the card. It was very thoughtful of you." I probably could have done better, but that was all that I could muster up at the moment. She didn't reply.

I'd say that was perfect It didn't really warrant a reply, so no problem there.

Me: I don't know what to say.....I can't tell you how much it means to me that you are being so kind.

Me: You have a huge heart, Wife. I am so regretful of how things have worked out. I want you to know that.

That too was very good! I think from now on you should drop the regrets though. Keep it all positive and upbeat.

Nicely done

[swoop]

Thank you, AS

I need some advice. W dropped by the condolence package she put together. It was quick and impersonal. Met at the door, exchanged the package and some mail. Said hi, how are you, sort of like neighbors. After she left, she phoned. I wasn't sure why she was calling. We usually text, and I had just spoke with her in person, only minutes before. She had a few questions about the funeral, daughter attending, that sort of thing. She seemed upset, so I asked how she was doing. She broke down and expressed how she had been part of this family for 13 years. She said she felt she had lost everyone, and it sucked. I wasn't sure what to do with that, other than show her some support by saying I would be there for her if she needed me. I listened and I validated. We both got emotional, tears, weeping. Then, the doorbell rang, and I had to let her go. I said that I would call her back. It is now too late to call, so I am simply going to save it for another time.

I am considering sending her a text, but I don't know what to say. Should I try to reach out to her a little? Should I call? Should I text? Should I just let it go, and leave the chips where they lay? I just don't know how to handle this. We have been completely out of personal contact for a long time now. I literally don't know what to say to her....Help!

[Fartiltre]

SP

I would say that you have to get back since you said you would but also that you have to be very careful not to come out pursuing.

I would call her and say something like “W, I just wanted to follow up on our talk yesterday as I promised you. If you feel like talking further you know where to find me….”

Open the door but do not push her through it!

F

[swoop]

Very good point, F.

I don't want to come off as pursuing. I am not going to pursue her.

I know this is mind reading, but this probably doesn't have anything to do with me. I assume she is feeling somewhat alone. Sure, she has OM and many new friends, but none of them come with the long term connection that she had with the friends and family she left behind, when she walked out that door. I would imagine that has to stack up on a person. She sounded very hurt that my sister did not want her dropping by. She feels like a complete outsider, which more or less she is. She has made several comments on social media, even going as far as posting on the funeral home obituary, that she is "family". For a reason I am not sure of, she still wants to be considered one of the family.

I will call her this morning at some point. If anyone has some more input, I could really use all the support I can get. I want to do this right.....for a change. I don't want to go in with the wrong words or speak out of emotion.

Thanks

[labug]

Because they were her family for 13 years.

Just go slow because her actions could mean any number of things.

No expectations, no mind reading.

Text her something short or call and make it brief, "Hi, didn't have a chance to call back last night. Thanks so much for the package, we appreciate it" and then see where it goes.

[swoop]

Today, I sent her a text. Perhaps a little more than I should have included, but it felt apropriate, given our conversation last night. It didn't go very far, but it was positive.

Here is the text convo....

me: Hi, I didn't get a chance to phone you back. I've been thinking about you today

W: I am ok this morning. Just tired. Haven't been sleeping well again
I am glad you shared with me last night about some of the stuff with Niece. It takes away some of the questions I had. Thank you for that. I hope you have a good day

[swoop]

My nieces memorial was yesterday. I can't even express the amount of hurt and anguish that is felt at this time. I am going to focus on my marriage and relationship here. I am dealing with my loss on my own, but I greatly appreciate every ones support and prayers. That means a lot to me.

During the memorial, W and FIL attended. We only engaged each other for a brief second. We all exchanged a hug. They both said sorry, and I said thank you. We all cried, FIL included. I quickly excused myself and walked away. It brought up more emotion than I wanted to deal with.

here are a few texts back and forth with wife the last couple days, leading up to and after the funeral.

W: I hope your day went well. Tomorrow is going to be hard

Me: I made it through ok. Tomorrow will be very hard. I am not sure how my sister will make it through.
I hope you're doing well. Please give D some extra hugs and kisses from me.

W: I will do that for sure. I will play tomorrow by ear. I will see how things go, and perhaps bring daughter to the funeral reception, afterwards.

Me: That sounds like a good idea. Thanks

NEXT DAY

Me: Thank you for coming to the memorial service. It was a very difficult day for me, for numerous reasons. I hope you are doing well.
Please give daughter my love, and let her know that I can't wait to see her tomorrow.

W: I will do that. Yesterday was hard for all of us. I just wish we could fast forward past the hurt and hard feelings and work towards building a great friendship. I know that takes time

[labug]

So, you know where she wants to go with this.

[swoop]

I truly don't, LA....don't get me wrong. I read it. she said she, "wants to be great friends". But I don't think she honestly wants that from me, and I don't know if I could provide that for her. I would need more. I would need an actual commitment to our marriage, and that is not something she has any interest in.

[labug]

You can't be a friend (great friendship might be a little strong but others have done it) to the mother of your D or even be open to that possibility somewhere down the road?

And maybe not a friend, but friendly?