So you're dating......good for you!

[CallaghanClown]

In down again....rocking away on the rollercoaster. I know to get off but everything just seems so overwhelming.

My H crashed a few days ago. He couldn't stop crying, couldn't work, was sitting in a dark room. He ended up calling the doctors and having an appointment with the crisis team. I don't know more than this really. He slept a lot after this and when i saw him the following day, although he wasn't as bad as I'd expected, he didn't look great.

But since then I've heard nothing. No contact with kids. The odd text to me but nothing more.

I hate the unknown. I'm just so impatient. I know I'm chilling out, I'm getting better. My patience is increasing. But this is hard.

I'm living in the past. My memory of my H is filled with such love. But the reality is so different. When I'm with him, I'm just caring for him. I'm not in love with him but I lovingly care for him. I want him well. I want love again. I'd love it to be with him, not the him he is now, not even the him he was, but a version of him. A loving version of him. A well version of him. I want my kids to know just what a great guy he is. I don't want them to settle for a mediocre dad. I know he loves them but he doesn't give them the experience of a real dad. I want that for them.

I've got a funeral with H and all of our friends this week and I'm soooo nervous. I plan to pay my respects and keep my head down. I'm praying his OW isn't there. I'm praying nobody brings her up. I know this is probably all irrational and I should just go with the flow, but I'm terrified of it all. I'm embarrassed....ego.

Just writing this down has helped me stop the rollercoaster.

Must keep on the DB wagon.

[uRworthy]

Im so sorry you are feeling down, C. Your h is in such a bad way. I know it is so hard. He is in a really bad depression. Unfortunately, he is the only one who can help himself. I know it is so difficult to watch, though.

I am not surprised he hasnt reached out. He is trying to swim through mud. Tough to do when you arent in crisis, imagine if you are.

I know you hate the unknown, but, no choice there, really. This is a marathon. You kind of have to sign the dotted line for having to have patience. Thats just the way this goes.

To say this is hard is an understatement. Probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.

Ok, so, the living in the past thing...not good. It just isnt. In any way or form. It is ok to remember those loving things. But for right now, you have to store your marriage as you knew it safely in a box and put it away.

I know so well all the wanting of which you write. It is best to accept what is for right now, with the understanding it will not always be this way.

And as for your children - you have been given an amazing opportunity here - to show them how to navigate through life's challenges with strength and dignity. Show them well.

We all want what you do for our children. Sometimes, though, you get what you have. Doesnt mean they cant thrive, C. They can. They have you for a mom.

THere is the hope that they will one day have the daddy you describe. Until then, you are their touchstone. If you are ok, then they will be, too. Trust me on that.

So, cherish those memories for they were real. But have the mindset of moving forward. Otherwise you are wasting valuable energy better spent on you and your children.

I can see how you are nervous about the funeral. Go there with your head held high, C. You have done nothing wrong. Stand tall, confident. Be the person you want to be. They cant hurt you, unless you give them permission to - dont.

Nothing at all to be embarrassed about. We have all felt this. Trust me on that. Dont give the ow any of your headspace. That gives her power and importance she doesnt deserve.

Be you, C. Your wonderful self.

Back on the wagon you go and just keep going.

[CallaghanClown]

Thanks Urworthy I'm really really trying to get there. I'm exhausted by it all. As is he!

I'm so grateful to have the kids, here and Facebook to keep me going. Without this I'd be a wreck. Of and Al Anon, it's a complete life saver.

I pray this is H moving forward on his journey but I really don't think it is. Something keeps holding him just above rock bottom. Just away from needing serious help. Just above causing too much concern to his friends.

But I'm not a mind reader, so I have to idea when or if he'll ever get to the point that he gets the help he needs. But I pray he does.

[uRworthy]

C, when you suffer from depression, just getting through the day is exhausting. Sure you can fake it through several hours if you have to, but, reaching out for real help takes a lot of effort.

All you can do towards that end is pray.

I know you are tired, C. This is such tough stuff. It is important to take care of you, though.

And leave him to figure himself out. Only way for him to come out the other side.

[labug]

I'm sorry things look bleak right now. Accepting what is is so hard and painful.

Depression is a scary, insidious, unpredictable condition.

Take care of yourself.

[bustingout]

I hope you are feeling better today C. You are doing so well is this awful situation we find ourselves in.

And dont feel embarrassed. I know the feeling. Made me forsake any social invitation outside of a few trusted friends. You should not be the embarrassed one C. The OW should be embarrassed for her insidious part in interfering with a man and his family. A weak character at best. You should hold your head high for your strength and love you have shown to your children and to your H and to your M. And, to yourself.

Thinking of you

[CallaghanClown]

I took a little break from here. I've filled it with some good and bad days. My H has mainly filled it with bad days. His highs seem higher and his lows seem lower.....I'm not sure what that means but I don't get involved anymore. I struggle enough some days without jumping on his roller coaster.

I'm having less and less bad days. Yes I've had one today, but I can see them, wallow in them and move on faster and faster. I'm happy with my progress. I'd love for this all to be over today. I just sick of this dramatic lifestyle at the moment but I'll have a great sleep and be happy Callie tomorrow.

I've asked H if we can meet to discuss a few points....money, access with the kids, what happens in the event of one of us dying suddenly......a long shot I know but I've had a sudden death in the family and I just need to know his wishes. With his complicated family structure I know his family wouldn't want me to be at the funeral, so I need to know his wishes so he actually gets what he wants. I wouldn't recommend this conversation for others without the complication of a disfunctional family on H's side.

I'm not sure of the status of the OW, I mainly don't care. As far as I'm concerned, of H and OW are having a relationship that needs to be hidden, then it's not much of a relationship. Best of luck to them.

H is still in replay but has shown signs of withdrawal and depression. The kids are starting to find it hard now. When he withdraws from them they just don't understand but they relish his good days as they're so used to his bad days.

[nero]

hi-

just reading around- i'm soo sorry for your sitch and the whole ow thing- it's a roller coaster of the mind for sure. i know the ow in my sitch. well, i did. worked with her and was friends before she began working for h- etc. i'm not even going there. it's such a huge stinking mess & betrayal- what jerks they are. that's mild considering what boils around in my head sometimes.

your h, i'm so sorry also for his depression- that's got to be scary - watching it all. my h just doesn't speak about anything meaningful= it's a tangled mess spread between FL and NJ - when i see him lately he's perfectly nice BUT no particular "love" - it's a bit hollow feeling.

ANYWAY- i can't explain it all- I WANT TO SAY YOUR OLD POST BACK IN DECEMBER ABOUT THE CRyptic note made me laugh out loud- someone's response to it:

I may be wrong, but I *think* it might mean "thanks for not completely kicking me in the nuts and throwing me out of your life even though I really deserve it" ...But he can't say something clear and obvious like that. :P

last year i got a valentine card (which surprised the heck out of me - since he's in LOOOOOOOVE W/OW (or so he tells HER) that. anyway- it said something like on front "valentine, thanks so much for" and then open up and inside it says" not killing me in my sleep , which i probably deserve" -

something like that. wtf? how the heck do you live with yourself if you feel you're doing something so rotten- you should quit it. i'd think, if you're a grown up or sane, you either stop it or get lost and let the other person "off the hook".

me- i'm just flopping around on the stinkin hook- can't get in the boat- can't get free-

some days feels like i'll be "here" for the rest of my life- AUUUUUGGGSHHHHHHH

HANG ON i guess and good luck- it's such a stinkin mess isn't it- this mlc- and why exactly do we all have such love and hope and whatevertheheck it is that keeps us "understanding" caregiving- hoping? wondering? being here instead of long long gone?????? idk- we're either incredibly wonderful- or incredibly nuts. obviously something these guys hone in on in us and about us, that's missing in their lives, that keeps them having their hooks into us- idk- life, it's a question and i never seem to have any answer.

i flip and flop about that daily (what makes me stay "here"?) - many many times. i wish to God i had someone like me in my life- (level of dedication & loyalty) .

oh well huh? all we can do is "do unto others" and hope somehow it all matters.

sorry to be dreary- have a great day and thanks for sharing.

xxo

[CallaghanClown]

Nero thanks for popping in. Fingers crossed for an improvement for both of us soon.

[CallaghanClown]

Today I found the OW's house keys in my H's car. Gulp....

I was really hurt and sad, almost crying for around an hour. It totally ruined my workout at the gym. But then I realised that he's keeping it secret. He's still texting other women. Still face booking other women. This girl is just a bandaid. Maybe it will be different when/if he announces he's with her. Maybe that's what he wanted, for me to find the keys and he wouldn't have to tell me....

I'm detached with love. I'm working on me. I'm not ready to date, not ready to force a divorce. I just need to look after me.

He's still a mess, I don't need that in my life right now.

I am struggling with his cake eating though. I just don't know whether to keep doing everything together, or whether to leave him alone with the kids. He invites me, expects me to come along all the time. I'm starting to arrange outside activities when he plans to be here, but I don't want to damage the reconnection that he's been building over the past few weeks.