Im so sorry you are feeling down, C. Your h is in such a bad way. I know it is so hard. He is in a really bad depression. Unfortunately, he is the only one who can help himself. I know it is so difficult to watch, though.
I am not surprised he hasnt reached out. He is trying to swim through mud. Tough to do when you arent in crisis, imagine if you are.
I know you hate the unknown, but, no choice there, really. This is a marathon. You kind of have to sign the dotted line for having to have patience. Thats just the way this goes.
To say this is hard is an understatement. Probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.
Ok, so, the living in the past thing...not good. It just isnt. In any way or form. It is ok to remember those loving things. But for right now, you have to store your marriage as you knew it safely in a box and put it away.
I know so well all the wanting of which you write. It is best to accept what is for right now, with the understanding it will not always be this way.
And as for your children - you have been given an amazing opportunity here - to show them how to navigate through life's challenges with strength and dignity. Show them well.
We all want what you do for our children. Sometimes, though, you get what you have. Doesnt mean they cant thrive, C. They can. They have you for a mom.
THere is the hope that they will one day have the daddy you describe. Until then, you are their touchstone. If you are ok, then they will be, too. Trust me on that.
So, cherish those memories for they were real. But have the mindset of moving forward. Otherwise you are wasting valuable energy better spent on you and your children.
I can see how you are nervous about the funeral. Go there with your head held high, C. You have done nothing wrong. Stand tall, confident. Be the person you want to be. They cant hurt you, unless you give them permission to - dont.
Nothing at all to be embarrassed about. We have all felt this. Trust me on that. Dont give the ow any of your headspace. That gives her power and importance she doesnt deserve.
