Wife Said She's Done - Pt. 2 ..and Still Hopeful

[Fartiltre]

^^^^ Totally agree!
Just tell her, don't argue about your feelings. If that's the way you feel; then that's the way....act accordingly!

[OneDay]

Thanks LA and F I will let my feelings out sometime but not tonight. I need to be dark.

She got home an hour later from work. I was reading a book and was feeling worse than before but my book was encouraging and I wanted to stay there. She asked me several small questions mainly about the kids n baseball tomorrow. I was not in the mood for the small talk and really into my book (still reading). So I went dark. I went into my room closed the door and kept reading. I barley even looked at her. She is watching TV now and I doubt she will bring anything up about the finances tonight which is fine by me.

It feels like the begining of the end. Tomorrow I'm going to close out our joint checking account that we've had for 9 years together. Even the banker that was setting up a my new account the other day asked me if I was doing okay. She knew exactly what was happening and told me it will get better. You will get better. I almost cried.

We will all come to a point sooner or later where it's no longer about wining or losing. Our WAS might respond and they might not. Where that's no longer the issue. The question is simply this. What kind of man or women do you want to be?

I'm trying to get there but not yet... ...Not yet.

[labug]

Dude, you need to work on that fear. What you're doing is unfair to both of you.

What was so difficult about taking the lead and saying "W, I know you wanted to talk finances tonight and I know that's a talk we need to have but I'm not able to do that right now. Can we do it X?" And then DO IT.

Being passive and then calling foul when she reacts negatively is not the way to be in control or you. You are giving her the control and then blaming her when things don't go as you would like.

You've got work to do.

[OneDay]

Dude, you need to work on that fear. What you're doing is unfair to both of you.

What was so difficult about taking the lead and saying "W, I know you wanted to talk finances tonight and I know that's a talk we need to have but I'm not able to do that right now. Can we do it X?" And then DO IT.

Being passive and then calling foul when she reacts negatively is not the way to be in control or you. You are giving her the control and then blaming her when things don't go as you would like.

You've got work to do.

I agree.with you. That's exactly what I'm doing. It's just so dam hard for me. I feel like if I talk about all the things assosiated with the divorce that I'm actually encouraging it. I also know I can ignore because it's not going away.

She is in full business mode and actually admitted it today. I told her I know we were suppose to talk last night and that we need to talk I'm just not dealing with all this very well right now. She said she wasn't either and even though she appears composed, she's been in business mode. She was so far in business mode that she was ready to switch all of our combined bills(cell phone, insurance etc) as of today. She thought that's what I wanted. We just agreed to split finances and living expenses 3 days prior. The ionly thing we agreed on was closing and dividing the account. I can't figure this women out and I need to stop trying.

Come to think of it. I don't know where she's gonna live after the big D. Where are my boys gonna be. I never asked her. Should I ask her at this stage of our divorce. I thought we were not suppose to bring up divorce talks as it goes against DBing but correct me if I'm wrong because I have a lot of questions for her espesially after the last response I recived from her attorney.

And labug. Feel free to slap me around anytime. I need all the help I can get

[OneDay]

Could you guys help me out here. I have a few questions and observations that I would love some input on.

1. Why do you think my WAW care so much as to where Im going and what Im doing? Im usually vague with her (unless im working out) Other than that I say I have to run some errands, or I have to go out for a bit, or going out with some friends and wont be home too late, etc etc.

2. Do you WAS seem perfectly fine (even happy) with their decision to divorce. Do they seem like a different person to you. Mine does.

This whole process is so strange living with WAW. Besides sleeping in separate rooms, no sex (hell she cover herself up if naked when I walk by) and not talking as much, she acts like were not getting a divorce. Now its not perfect, and shes not overly nice to me and I can tell she's just dealing with me. I guess she's just acting as its business as usual.

I guess its just hard to keep up the good/positive attitude, as if everything is ok. IM NOT OKAY, NOT AT ALL. I want to say something to her. Im tired of her being in FULL BUSINESS MODE ALL THE FREAKIN TIME. She never stops and Im about to lose it. I sometimes just want to relax and not have a plan or agenda at the moment. She asks alot of little favors (always has) and they are getting so annoying. I dont always want to help when she asks.

Am I losing it here guys? It sure feels like it lately.

[MrBond]

"1. Why do you think my WAW care so much as to where Im going and what Im doing?"

It can be for a number of reasons but the bottom line is that only your W knows. Or, in many cases, she doesn't know herself. Could be guilt, could be jealousy, etc. The point is that if we "suggest" to you what the reason could be, you're going to go off spinning thinking it's one thing when it's really not.

Not worth it to be wasting your time like that. Continue to concentrate on you.

"2. Do you WAS seem perfectly fine (even happy) with their decision to divorce. Do they seem like a different person to you. Mine does. "

Same thing. Most WASs are fine with their decision to D because alot of times it allows them to not have to deal with issues and to just run away. For others, it's a different reason. Either way, same thing. It doesn't matter.

Look, this isn't a puzzle for YOU to solve. Even if you have everything "figured out" it could be different than what your W really means.

The best course of action is to do the 180s from what your Ws concerns were and just concentrate on yourself.

"Am I losing it here guys? It sure feels like it lately."

Yes you are.

[Fartiltre]

Scott,

You just made a short resume of my life during 5 month last year when I lived with W after BD.

I can’t tell why she is curious about your doings. She could be just curious, a little nosey or just plain polite. You will never know and you shouldn’t care!

My WAW seemed totally fine all the way and she still does. She has changed some and she is not the same woman as prior to BD. I think this I totally normal in here.

If you do not feel like doing her favors – then don’t. You are not her “fixer” anymore. She wants to leave you and M – then act like she has already done it. I know this is hard when living together because you need the household running, but looking back I did a lot of wrong things trying to please my WAW.

Put you and the children in focus and stop worrying so much about your Ws sayings and doings. Be nice and pleasant. Sandi once told me: You are the pleasant and nice neighbor – she is the nosey neighbor. Handle yourself and your W that way.

The thoughts you are having are totally normal but you need to deal with them! So IMO you are not losing it! You are a normal LBH three months in, but do not make the mistakes so many of us have! Do NOT backslide – do not bring up any R-tal

F

[labug]

I can't figure this women out and I need to stop trying.

What can't you figure out? I don't see her being unclear at all, what do you see?

Come to think of it. I don't know where she's gonna live after the big D. Where are my boys gonna be. I never asked her. Should I ask her at this stage of our divorce. I thought we were not suppose to bring up divorce talks as it goes against DBing but correct me if I'm wrong because I have a lot of questions for her espesially after the last response I recived from her attorney.

You can ask whatever you want whenever you want. You're getting a D, of course you would have questions about your kids.

That doesn't mean you demand answers or act angry. You open a ocnversation: "W I realize I have some important questions like, where are you going to live after the D. Can we talk about sharing time with our sons?" etc.

Take responsibility for yourself.

[PatientMan]

Thanks PatientMan, I read both of them twice already this morning, and it helped alot.

Also, you mentioned having a 2"x4" paper with bible verses and help advice from this site. Would you mind sharing that with me, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks again for all your help and I am praying for you this day and every day.

My apologies as I somehow missed this. I have the following verses in small font and created it so it printed on both sides of the paper. Then I just cut to size, folded it up, and put it in my wallet:

Side 1:

• 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
• 12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
• 20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
• 22 Lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted…and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.
• 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
• 13 Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be courageous, be strong. 14 Do everything in love.
• 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
• 19 Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
• 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
• 22 The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
• 22 Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace.
• 6 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace.
• 12 … as God’s chosen people, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

Side 2:

• 18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
• 16 Therefore we do not lose heart… 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
• 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
• 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.
• 58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.
• 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.
• 31 If God is for us, who can be against us?... 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
• 5...make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.
• 6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
• 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
• 9 My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.

It has changed only slightly over the last two years as I have come across different verses I wanted to focus on. I usually would read through all of them, but I would really focus on the several that applied to the emotions/difficulties I was having at that particular moment.

-PM

[OneDay]

So I brought up the timesharing of kids and it didn't go as I was hoping it would. I didnt know at the time, but she just met with her attorney earlier in the day.

So here's what happen
I started off calmly and asked, what are we going to do about time sharing of the kids. She gave me this weird look and said she wasn't sure how she feels about it at the moment. I said yea, I kind of got that from your attorney response to decline the 50-50, but agree both are fit parents and should have shared responsibility. I then asked could you tell me why you would be opposed to 50-50 timesharing....

This is where it got interesting. She said and I quote "I can see that you've changed and have made very positive changes, But I know you, and Im afraid they will not last and you will go back to your old ways and that concerns me" I said Im sorry you feel that way, but my eyes are finally open. She then said "...and there's also your addiction to porn (gulp) and your attitude towards legalizing Marijuana(gulp) She said that doesn't sit well with me, which is why I dont agree to 50-50. (gulp, gulp, gulp)

I remained calm and came back with. I dont feel that watching porn from time to time is an addiction. (and yes I watch it "occasionally") I said, You or the boys have never been around or exposed to anything I might be doing in private. (She is completely against and disgusted by pornography and feels as if it cheating)

Then she brought up the Mary Jane topic. She's never tried it, I used it quite a bit in high school, but only about 5 times during our married life. However I do believe that it's better/safer to use than Alcohol and I think it should be legal in our state and I've mentioned that to WAS before. I have also mentioned a few times that I would not condone. but I dont think I would be overly concerned if our boys (once older) tried it. (heck I remember high school and there were several temptations floating around) I would prefer they stay away from all but I just know that temptations are out there and I can try and teach them the best I can, but they will eventually make their own decision (right or wrong) My comment never meant that there wouldn't be consequences for their actions.

We went back an forth a few times, and she eventually said shes's glad I would not be okay with them doing that. (She knows dam well I would not be okay with them drinking or doing drugs) Heck, we already both agree to limit candy, soda's, junk food, TV, video games etc and have always been on the same page on this. I feel we are fairly strict but we both agree to our disipline style.

It ended with her saying "Well my attorney said the last thing we want with children involved is for the court to decide what is best, and that we should be able to figure all this out in mediation" I said, I hope we can figure most out before mediation. She said yea, yea. and spaced out for a moment.

I then said this really stinks, and she said "yes it does stink, but your actions over and over, year after year have lead us down this path." I said I if I knew what I know now, I would have done several things differently. She said I know, and its a weird limbo we are living in now and its really going to be weird when its all done. She spaced out again for few then walked away

Now you know why Im feeling so bad. ONCE again I am feeling this is all my fault and If I would have listen/woken up earlier that this could have been avoided. I've been in a very bad place yesterday and today.