So you're dating......good for you!

[CallaghanClown]

In down again....rocking away on the rollercoaster. I know to get off but everything just seems so overwhelming.

My H crashed a few days ago. He couldn't stop crying, couldn't work, was sitting in a dark room. He ended up calling the doctors and having an appointment with the crisis team. I don't know more than this really. He slept a lot after this and when i saw him the following day, although he wasn't as bad as I'd expected, he didn't look great.

But since then I've heard nothing. No contact with kids. The odd text to me but nothing more.

I hate the unknown. I'm just so impatient. I know I'm chilling out, I'm getting better. My patience is increasing. But this is hard.

I'm living in the past. My memory of my H is filled with such love. But the reality is so different. When I'm with him, I'm just caring for him. I'm not in love with him but I lovingly care for him. I want him well. I want love again. I'd love it to be with him, not the him he is now, not even the him he was, but a version of him. A loving version of him. A well version of him. I want my kids to know just what a great guy he is. I don't want them to settle for a mediocre dad. I know he loves them but he doesn't give them the experience of a real dad. I want that for them.

I've got a funeral with H and all of our friends this week and I'm soooo nervous. I plan to pay my respects and keep my head down. I'm praying his OW isn't there. I'm praying nobody brings her up. I know this is probably all irrational and I should just go with the flow, but I'm terrified of it all. I'm embarrassed....ego.

Just writing this down has helped me stop the rollercoaster.

Must keep on the DB wagon.