I definitely need to get in the right mindset for the LRT/180/37 Rules. I am probably half-heartedly sticking to them because I just want so much for us to work through this... But I completely agree that what I have been doing isn't working and need to get straight with this!!
Melissa, yes, my husband will watch the kids - but other than going to work out, I stay home because I don't want to miss out on good family time. He went out last night and was surprised that I went out too. He said that was really good and he was glad I did that...
Paul - excellent point. He needs to choose me... And I can't control that.
Anyway, H and I went out to breakfast this morning and it was really nice. I am trying to let it be just a really nice moment and not "so what does this mean for our future???" Baby steps....
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
So H, over the last 2 months, has turned the den into "his space". Sleeping, art space, whatever else. And it's a mess because of everything he crammed in there. I just said to him - "wouldn't you like to come back and sleep in our room, and just leave this for your getaway solitude space?" He said, "no I wouldn't, not at this point."
Ouch.
I probably shouldn't have said anything huh? Also was about to ask him why we haven't had sx in a week... But held my tongue.
This sux.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
About asking him to come back to the bedroom . . . why did you ask him that? I am guessing that if he wants to come back and sleep in the bedroom, he will let you know. You were pretty much just setting yourself up for that "ouch" and pressuring him at the same time.
On the plus side, at least you know where you stand for now. So you don't have to wonder, and you can just go about doing your own thing.
One thing I have been working on, because I know I did it a lot, as did (does) my H, and I think can be really destructive, is telling someone else how they feel or should feel. Watch out for how you phrase things.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
It's hard to learn the limits of what they want to discuss. You asked a logical question to a person who isn't acting that way. I hadn't had sex in 7 months, she acted like I was infected with radioactive AIDS anytime I'd try to hug her. In time she came back. Give it time, let him approach you, don't bring it up.
Remember: He's the one who "left", he's the one who needs to come back.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
I asked because things were calm and the room is a wreck. I know I shouldn't have gone there. I don't see what the big deal of him sleeping in there is. Honestly, yes, to me it would mean we might be heading down the right track, but also, it's just sleeping. He has everything else in the room - it's not like he's really moved out.... wah
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
So had a good convo on Sunday, initiated by H. Which in and of itself is amazing, because he hasn't wanted to talk about anything R related in a year.
It was basically about why we hadn't ML in the last week and pretty much confirmed everything DB/DR has ever said! On the ML thing - he said he's ridiculously attracted to me but feels like afterwards he feels bad and gets withdrawn/cold because he wants to send the message that even though we ML all is not well. And he feels bad upsetting me when he's being a jerk, and trying to send that message. I told him "first, let me relieve you of this pressure. I am working on just dealing with the present moment and taking each nice moment that we have as an individual event and not a well what does this mean thing"
I said that I wanted to continue to ML because I felt that was a way we could connect right now when we are struggling to connect in other ways. I also told him that I wasn't upset because we had ML and then treated me bad, I was upset because he treated me bad. Period.
Anyway, it was a long, but good discussion and basically we both want to slow things down, appreciate the time we have and not accelerate into any decisions that we may later regret.
As DR tells us - he basically confirmed - he needs his space to grow and just do his thing right now. He said that me giving that to him is the most positive way to effect him. He also said he didn't feel like sleeping in another room was widening our seperation - he felt it made things better, because he felt better, calmer.
We had a nice day after that. Went to Starbucks and Home Depot together and then he made dinner for the family. He slept in the den but I let him do his thing. It's fine...
Anyway, on my phone - not sure if I got all the details, but generally speaking, I felt more positive than I have with us in some time. It reinforced that GAL and the 37 rules are the right path - at least for our situation. I am just going to keep working on me and not getting caught up in the what ifs and what nows and what's next.
I am meeting with a therapist today.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Yes, sort of. But it's an everyday challenge. I am doing a lot of self-help reading, meditating daily and doing a positive thinking hypnosis each night. And now getting into therapy. Essentially, I have little to no relationships skills and need to learn
I am a control freak and I think I have all these unintended, and unfair, expectations that I have put on him and the relationship...I also need to work on being less reactive and more open.
It's a process... this whole year has been.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Let me first say - the last couple of days have been pretty good. But, that's the pattern... A few days of upswing and then tank.
So, as I mentioned - we cannot afford a divorce, period. We don't even have an extra $300 to just file. And there has been no money set aside or obvious intent to plan for one. My husband makes a very nice salary. I barely make anything - but it helps and really, it was our decision 11 years ago that I would give up my career (which was a lot of money at the time and a lot of earning potential) to stay home with the kids. We didn't want day care, and as I've mentioned one of my kids has multiple disabilities. I've been working again for 5 years - and it's perfect because it's at my kids elem school, so I am on their schedule for when they get home, days off, summers - and I am free every afternoon for appointments and PT & OT therapy appointments each week.
Apparently, as this mess with H and I all came to a head, it seems that my H has grown very resentful that he is the main income earner and has to be responsible for providing nearly everything. He says he hates his job, he's a cog in the system, and he's stuck, among other things, due to his being the breadwinner. He said he's been telling me for a couple of years to get a better paying job (I believe it's only come up in the last year). I tell him it's not that easy, I've been out of my previous line of work for 11 years. It would be difficult to get back and the pay would be low. I'd essentially be completely starting over, entry level, competing with single, childless, just out of college people (I'm 39) have no idea wbout the current technologies and verbiage used and the job postings I have seen - now all require a college degree. I have a lot of college but not a degree. We'd be paying more in travel, new clothes for me, day care, plus day care for a disabled child --- and then what would we do about all the appointments, therapies and the entire summer?? He doesn't want to reason with that and just thinks I should do it. Period.
So, long story short - he was expecting a hefty bonus in March and the rumor going around is that the bonuses may potentially be delayed until July.
We discussed this at dinner - and he was livid. Mad at his employer, mad at himself for not taking a voluntary lay off that was offered and would have resulted in LOTS of money, mad that it seems like the employer is punishing those who stayed by delaying contracted pay. And, mad at me because all I mentioned above came up again. He mentioned about all his coworkers who took the voluntary lay off and were so happy to leave and weren't worried about money because they had a "spouse who actually gets paid something"
It also has been up in the air with what he was planning to do with this bonus. He mentioned a couple of things around the house we need to fix, and we'd lay off bills but was kind of always vague about the rest and in the back of my mind I always wondered if that bonus was his escape plan and would use it to divorce. So I am left wondering if he's also upset because now, his plan is foiled and he will be stuck Indefinitely.....
Anyway... He is cycling between depressed and mad. He wouldn't out the kids to bed - which is his normal things he's always done and he's essentially not interested in talking to me. About anything.
I steering clear, and hiding out in my room- but he will probably use that against me at some point and say I was being the moody, withdrawn one.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
