Still Dating

[labug]

labug, I've followed your posts and your journey is so inspiring. Hope you don't mind answering a couple questions... reading your story and your posts earlier in this thread, you said you were/are perfectly okay where you are with or without H, but you didn't feel the need to file yet. What was your criteria? Or questions did you asked yourself when you thought about filing?

I didn't have a criteria. I've learned to trust myself during this process and I trusted that I would know when I was ready. I wasn't closing that M door, I was open to whatever unfolded.

The M was a nonissue at that time, I wasn't going to be any happier not married. I really didn't think about it much.

And I'm also noticing the great efforts you made to come to this place of peace, but did your H ever share what his path has been like? In an ideal situation you have two ppl going through mutual growth... but when one spouse leaves then makes their way around to trying again with the marriage, what's the qualifying actions there? Do they have to work as hard?

We have talked about our separate journeys a bit as things come up. I have to say I've discovered I'm not as interested in hearing about his process as I am in seeing his changes. As we know, actions speak louder than words, we hear it all the time here.

It's just as true moving forward.

His actions so far have shown me that he's figured a lot of stuff out. That's what I need to see.

This morning he brought up some things that need to be fixed around here. This was a major issue for us at the time of BD. It's a house, there's always stuff to fix Things never got done according to my timeline.

Today I said, OK but whenever you feel like doing these things is fine and if you don't want to, we can get someone.

I added that I knew in the past I "always had a list of things that needed to be done and if they didn't get done I was angry and resentful. I don't have that list anymore. It will all eventually be taken care of."

He said "I know. I want to do these things."

So as I've let go of things, he's been able to let go of things.

I don't feel the need to ask him how he got where he is, I just need to be mindful and appreciative of the fact that he is where he is.

As I said in the previous post, I think this all comes down to a few concepts.

Mine are:

• letting go of fear
• not taking things personally (major, major, major)
• being mindful
• knowing and respecting my boundaries as well as the boundaries of others

I got a lot from the book How to Be an Adult in a Relationship by David Richo. He has a list of 5 As:

1. Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.

2. Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.

3. Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.

4. Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.

5. Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.

I hope this is helpful but I think the bottom line is, we just have to let go. Until we can be OK with and love ourselves, we can't be completely present in a R.