thanks 3! I get it. this process is very hard. I already had an absentee spouse for a very long time. Now its just that much more removed. Not sure how long I want to wait around, but we'll see...I guess its day to day. I can't thank you and all the others for the support. so glad I am here.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I meant can't thank you enough LOL. Also, Db coach reminded me, that my sitch has thus far been fairly talkative and productive compared to others . We've talked almost each week so far. that's not always the case as I have come to learn....
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
OMG this just occurred to me while I took my shower. here goes, see what you think.
The problem with detachment from my spouse is rooted deeply in the fear of not being wanted by anyone ever again. Of being lonely and seen as both socially and sexually undesirable.
The person I am trying to detach from is now no more to me than an administrative burden in my day. I set aside her mail instead of just putting it with the other stuff. I have to watch my joint checking to ensure transactions are ok. We are spending approximately $20 per day on diesel fuel to afford her experiment with freedom. She drops my kids off at the house at unexpected times. she dos not return friendly messages and does not initiate any herself. she does not call or write unless there is something she needs.
What I am having trouble detaching from then is the notion of what I want and ultimately the dream of what I hope we will become. Perhaps too is the sentimental notion of what I believe we once were. We are not that anymore.
So detachment can be much easier I believe when I see this person as a distant friend who keeps stopping by to borrow things they need without really adding anything to my life.
One of the notions presented in the 7 habits book speaks of an emotional bank account. At this time in my life, W (really on paper only) is making many more withdraws from the emotional bank account than she is making deposits in it. She has become nothing more that an administrative burden and worry at this stage of our life. Perhaps one day with patience and time, this will be different. But until then, I should enjoy all of the smiles, invitations and friendly gestures I see from the people who still surround me each day.
My friend that I miss, died long ago. This other person is currently possessing her body. Why would I not detach from that? Until a time when W gets healthy and comes to me with respect and friendship that any person deserves, she's just something to detach from....?
am I getting this?
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Yes, I think you are. Respect though goes both ways so don't expect any from her if you're not consistent with hers. She's ticked about something. She may not be healthy in your eyes but she is in hers. It's her reality that matters to her. As all have said to you, be the man only a fool would not want to be with.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I'd like to know what your definition is for detachment?
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
You can google "livestrong developing detachment" to compare your understanding.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Hi ben, at least as I understand it today, detachment is the act of removing the wanting., longing for., looking for (not literally) or sentimental attachment and dependence on the other person place or thing. Its a matter of becoming more of a self and realizing that my marriage was as much a promise to myself to live in harmony with another while maintaining my individual self as it was a promise to share myself with that person.
Detachment is also the process of removing the enmeshment I have in this marriage. I lost myself in this marriage and I blamed Peg because she didn't helpn me find myself. I becomes a leap of faith then to truly let go and hope that the bond we created will be strong enough to withstand this.
The only way back to a healthy relationship is to find ourselves feel physically and emotionally. Health and choose again to share that with the other.
She is hurt/angry about something(s) she chose not to share that. To bottle it up and then walkaway. What hauntsme is that there were small clues...not many but a few.
I have found from her oldest friends that she has within the past year done much the same. My wife is on some journey of her own and has chosen exclude me from it at this time.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
To answer both you and Floyd I must lead my life by example and to apply the golden rule and be respectful. Example: I make sure to communicate to W directly about the kids and there whereabouts or actitivities even when she does not do the same with me. I am also trying to be respectful of her wish for quiet and space by not communicating more than needed and by not using methods of communicating that bother her (like voice or in person) . Text or email seeks to be what she tolerates best at the moment.
Floyd, respect is a two way street. I would appreciate that she would speak with me about what she feels is causing the break in our marriage. Inmust be respectful and listen. But not communicating about such an important thing is not helpful either.
One would say...she is communicating. ..her silence speaks volumes and yet, leaving me guessing how to peice this back together is not very helpful.
I must continue to focus on making my life and my Kidd time with me the beet it csn be. That is all that I can do. Her journey is hers. If she invited me great. If not, I must stand without her andmove forward.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Just venting instead of saying it to W. I just got back from a great day with kids. Taking a some time out and then we are out to more stuff. Having fun, but quietly railing inside about WHY this has to be this way. I invited her into my life, worked hard for our family. Made myself available to help with stuff she wanted to do even when it was not reciprocle. This [censored]. She just bailed.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I feel ya pal. All I got, and I am not exaggerating was how great the marriage was....right up to me letting her know I found out about her A. Friends and family on both sides still say she loved her marriage and me right up to that point and nobody knew she was down on the M and only happy. Maybe there were clues, I have wracked my brain to no avail but you are right, how can you make it better if you don't know there was an issue? Something you will just learn to accept as I have finally done that it isn't entirely about you. So just keep doing what you are doing and detach.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
