An ever-present shadow

[Lonely Room]

Hello all,

I am a long-time visitor of this forum. I only seem to come here when I notice problems in my marriage, and that's probably one of my problems. I should actively work on my marriage all the time. Easier say than done, though.

My wife and I separated 3 years ago and got back together after a year of separation. Shortly after getting back together we got pregnant and we have a gorgeous son, the most beautiful thing of my life.

I can't say that since we got back together our marriage has been brilliant. We had some ups and downs, being first time parents can be stressful, and we also had some professional problems along the way. But it wasn't that bad either, we've been holding together.

When we separated I always suspected that she was having some kind of involvement with a co-worker, someone she knows since her youth. When I confronted her with my suspicions, it was one of the reasons she used to kick me out of the house. But I was sure that there was some sort of involvement, at least an emotional one.

After we got back together, I got a confirmation that there was also physical involvement, although I never found if that happened before or after we separated. Again, I confronted her with that, this time very calmly, with my Divorce Busting skills, and she dismissed it and assured me it was just a "hiccup" of her past.

6 months ago, I noticed she was getting text messages late at nigh, and investigated. They were from him, and she was deleting his and her messages. Once again, I confronted her, she said they were innocent messages and that she was going to sort-out the problem because she was also feeling uncomfortable. She told me she deleted the messages because she was afraid of what I would think, even though the messages were innocent.

And again, yesterday I noticed that they have been texting each other on a daily basis and there's even a message from him late at night, before Christmas, where he says he misses her. My wife's replies are always very practical and non-involving, ie, she's not doing anything wrong (at least that I can see), but at the same time they are warm and she always sends him kisses.

I don't know what to do now. I am growing inpacient with this and at the same time fear for the consequences if I stir the waters too much. I don't want to live away from by son, that would destroy me. I also don't want her to think that I am snooping on her messages, I am not, I always find these things by accident.

I think I should have a chat with her and ask why the other guy thinks he can text her in the middle of the night saying that he misses her and ask what is she doing about it.

What do you guys think is the best approach?

Thank you very much for reading.