Adultery is wrong...no matter how you slice it, but clearly some people have different ways to handle it. I feel your sentiment JonF. Because crass was thrown my way, I got crass back. It hurt beyond belief....the lies and betrayal of trust on so many fronts. That feeling has cooled off. She is just not well enough to be rational in her thinking and I hope she gets the help she has always refused. If you are at least getting apologies and contrite behaviour and honesty then things can be rebuilt. If blaming and coldness prevail, then neither can heal and work things out. Should be a team effort. Both responsible for dysfunction, but the adulterer needs to make things "safe" .
Yes, it is absolutely up to the adulterer to make the R 'safe' again. I also agree that an affair is never justified (and I never said it was)...what I AM saying is that treating your spouse so poorly for years that the FEEL JUSTIFIED having an A isn't justified either! Why do you think your spouse is so much worse than you are for their poor choices when your choices were so poor for many years????
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@love - nothing I did led to an affair. Did my behavior contribute to marital problems? absolutely. Did it justify an A? NEVER. I treated my spouse great. I paid off her debt when I met her because she was living off credit cards. I paid off the car she drives. When she mistreated D13 (then D10) I made excuses for her. When she shopped incessantly, I simply gave her a credit card. When she laid in bed 18 hours a day, I said, "Well,she has issues.". When she overdosed on Vicodin, and I talked her into taking ipecac before I called 911, I never said a word. She is not worth it.
First of all, BULLSH*T. Unless your spouse is a serial cheater and not just a 'momentary whore', she didn't just decide to go have an A because her H is so terrific he puts every other H to shame. Do you even have any idea what your role is in this?
She is not worth it? Then why are you reconciling?
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I am ready to forgive the A - it took a few weeks, but I was done.
Again, this is hard to believe. I don't know anyone who is 'over' an A in a few weeks...esp someone who calls their wife a whore so easily.
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When she got mad on Christmas Eve, she texted OM about some grill. Why? Because she wanted me to see it on her phone, and be mad. That's someone who has serious mental issues.
Or someone who is so frustrated by their S's 'holier than thou' attitude when they are doing everything they can to fix their mistake and their S doesn't think they made any mistakes.
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M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13