What I'm afraid of...deep, deep down, is that this M is never going to be better because H has always been a liar. He has always hid things from me. He has always name-called...just not with so much hate. He has always been into playing head games with me...being what I would call "emotionally" abusive...and sometimes, verbally abusive. He has always been one to blame everything on me and others. He has never been one to take responsibility for his actions/words. His own stepmom told me that she feels like she has never really seen a "conscience" in him.
I am so sorry that you lived with that for so long. You are right, the marriage cant get better when only one person is working on it. And he certainly cant right now because he is in crazyville. That's why you have to put it safely in a box for now.
I hope that I'm not rewriting my OWN memories of how things were before the MLC. What if things were always really bad and I just didn't see it? And, now, I see it more clearly because of the things I've learned here and through lots of reading.
That's a very good possibility, A. We have new tools, so we see things more clearly at time.
And, yeah, you have told me this countless times. I think I'm doing pretty good at it until days like Wed and today...and I realize that I'm not detaching and moving forward at all. I'm still worried about how my actions/words will affect him and vice versa. I am afraid that if I stand up for myself, he'll just leave...and then, I'll feel like I'm to blame. It's a very thin line I'm walking. It's so confusing and heartbreaking.
It is confusing and heartbreaking, it's true. The thing is that this is counterintuitive to how you think you should be acting. You think you have to hold on real tight so as not to lose him. When in reality, holding on makes them want to work harder to get away. They are trying to get your off their pant leg. And when you dont let go, they have to shake their leg even harder to get you off.
But standing up for yourself is never wrong, Ang. Not allowing yourself to be abused in anyway isnt either. It is not ok to be treated like that. And if you stand up for yourself and he leaves, then you would have stood up for yourself and he made a choice. How is that your fault?
You want to be strong and confident for you. And the hope and possibility is that he sees it, too.
If your marriage gets saved as a result of you not standing up for yourself and leaving things the way they are - is your marriage really saved?
You have to want more for yourself. You have to feel deserving of it. You want a marriage based on respect, A. You want a marriage built of trust. Trust that he will treat you with honor and dignity. And that you will do the same. It may seem like a thin line, but, really it isnt.
In order to have a healthy marriage, you have to be healthy and so does he. You cant do anything about his part, but you sure can do something about yours.
Become who you were meant to be. Become someone strong and courageous and whole. Then if he does the work, you can make decisions from a place of strength.
Let him go, A. Leave him to figure himself out. Holding on doesnt bring about change. It doesnt allow you to walk your journey. It keeps you stuck. And being stuck isnt where you want to be.
TIme for you to say that today you are worthy and you deserve respect.
Letting go doesnt mean you dont love him. It means you love him very much. But more importantly, it means you love you.
