Reaching out for support and advice 2

[melissag]

I can't shake the feeling that he is cake eating. He gets to have all the creature comforts of home and also come/go as he pleases. I have GAL/PMA, but we seem to be getting more distant than ever. At least a few months ago we would share the same bed occas. and ML. Now-NOTHING.

Watch out for this, Blues. I do the same thing and have to catch myself quite a bit. Make sure that your decisions are based on YOU. What YOU need. What makes YOU happy. What helps YOU to be able to move forward.

I've heard it many times here . . . don't try to teach your H a lesson. Life will take care of that.

Don't decide to act based on H's cake eating benefiting him. Make that decision if and only if it is hurting you. (And I don't mean just by virtue of that fact that you feel it's unfair and his life is better than yours.)

I always try to remember what I tell my kids . . . "don't worry about what your brother/sister is doing (or has, or whatever), just worry about you."

[labug]

What is blues doing for blues today?

[juliegayle]

Yes. I was thinking about you today. I know you were working through a lot this weekend.

[bluesgal]

Hey guys! Well, I had a great weekend. The kids and I were busy all day every day. It felt so good to see family and friends. Funny thing is that one of the b-day parties I went to was on H side. I am working on PMA and no longer thinking to myself "This may be the last time I do (fill in the blank) with these people. I am close with all sides of H family. They are my family, too. Sigh.

My womens retreat was excellent. I know people don't talk a lot about their faith on these forums, but I really needed this. It just felt so good to be there. I had some feelings/signs that I need to stick things out for awhile...

H has sworn to me and our D15 that he is no longer having A and will not continue that behavior...major humbling moment for him to finally come clean to her as recommended by our C. Time will tell. D says she will not have a relationship with him if he has affair partner. She is very upset and emotional and their R is suffering. H seems confused about how to make things better.

I joined our weight loss competition at work. I started teaching sunday school. I also started a 'supper club' with our friends. I have been taking on projects in the home-fixing the furnace, unclogging toilets...don't ask , shoveling snow, and prepping garbage/recyclables for dump-all previously H jobs and it feels so good to not be dependent on him. H doesn't like when we do these things. He came home today to find D and I shoveling our sidewalks and told us he'd take care of it. When I didn't hand over the shovel, he said "I'm not going in the house while my wife and D are out shoveling in the cold." So, now he's a knight in shining armour

He continues to do strange things. He went and bought S6 a new tablet for games today even after we decided just yesterday that we'd get it for his birthday in 2 months. He actually made a special trip in a snowstorm to do this. Then spent the entire day fiddling with that. Eye roll. H is in such a great mood with this purchase. It seems almost like a 'high'.

I'm going to read "The Secret" again to help with PMA and thoughts. I am also getting several books from the library about loss of love to help me get through my grief and detach more. H strange behavior and my LBS fog lifting are also helping with that.

My MIL called today and told me about conversation she had with H yesterday. They were trying to make arrangements for our S for a playnight and she said H was very difficult to talk to...like he didn't understand basic plans. Then today he proceeded to do the opposite of what they agreed upon and then MIL had to call and walk him through a basic conversation. She said "Now I understand what you are going through."

Some days I wonder what his job performance is like since the H we see is so out of sorts. I used to worry about these things. Now I just wonder. I guess that's progress.

Are these bizarre behaviors and forgetfulness normal for these WAS/MLCers?

[paul19510]

sounds like a very upbeat post Blues. I'm happy for you

[juliegayle]

Agreed. All sounds very positive. I glad you were able to find some direction.

[AnotherStander]

Are these bizarre behaviors and forgetfulness normal for these WAS/MLCers?

Oh yes, absolutely. And your suspicion that his work is being affected too is more than likely correct.

[bluesgal]

Mornings are tough. I often have bad dreams. Last night was no different.

However, I no longer wake up in the morning feeling like everything is normal just to remember that life has taken this gut wrenching turn. It is becoming my new normal.

A lot of sadness today, but I'm working through it. I haven't cried-like cried really hard with lots of tears/sobbing in a long time even though there have been many gut punches in the last couple of months. I remember at BD when I cried all the time. Does anyone else experience the incredible sadness of this sitch and not have the need/urge to bawl? Am I numb? Am I stronger? I am puzzled by this.

I am gaining strength by reading many threads this morning. Trying to catch up on the many who have kindly posted on mine.
I spent my car ride to work with the radio off in deep thought. I was listing the things I am thankful for and repeating positive words. Lots of deep breaths. I find as the day goes on I feel much better. Night can be tough. Especially sleeping alone. You'd think I'd be used to that by now.

H continues to keep odd hours and sleep patterns. He sleeps A LOT during the day, then struggles with sleeping on/off at night.

I'm going to continue to try to kick this anxiety out of my system this morning.

[melissag]

Mornings are tough. I often have bad dreams. Last night was no different.

However, I no longer wake up in the morning feeling like everything is normal just to remember that life has taken this gut wrenching turn. It is becoming my new normal.

(((Blues)))

For a while after BD, I could barely sleep. I mean it would be literally 30-45 minutes at a time, and maybe only two or three of those a night. Then it started to get a little better - 4-5 hours in a shot. Now I can sleep through to 4:30 or 5:00 (sometimes 6 if I am lucky), but I have vivid dreams EVERY NIGHT about my H. Mine, though, are mostly good dreams. Where he is back, or never left, or whatever.

I have had a couple of earthquake and plane crash dreams - those are pretty easy to interpret. (Big shake up in my life, world is crashing down around me, etc.). What are your bad dreams about? Your H or something else entirely?

I have a friend whose baby was born at 24 weeks, and lived only one week. (I know. Unbelievably sad.) And I remember her telling me that her C was glad when she started dreaming about her son, because she said that is one way the brain is working out these tough feelings.

So . . . maybe that's what you are doing, too.

About the morning . . . it has become my new normal to wake up alone (and sometimes without the kids in the house), but that in itself makes me sad. I find it particularly difficult because I am by nature a morning person, and it's hard for me to get up and feel so blah every day.

A lot of sadness today, but I'm working through it. I haven't cried-like cried really hard with lots of tears/sobbing in a long time even though there have been many gut punches in the last couple of months. I remember at BD when I cried all the time. Does anyone else experience the incredible sadness of this sitch and not have the need/urge to bawl? Am I numb? Am I stronger? I am puzzled by this.

I would say that my really gut wrenching sadness has diminished quite a bit. I have had a few instances where I just completely lose it, but they are not too common now (as opposed to daily at the beginning).

I know what you mean about the numb feeling. It almost feels like, oh yeah that crap again. Ugh. Like you're just so tired of crying about it.

Was it you who said a while back, that our bodies and minds just aren't equipped to be so sad and devastated and anxious and angry and all that for too long of a time? I thought it was a good observation and totally true. We are naturally resilient, I think.

So maybe this is one step on the way to actually feeling happiness. ??

[labug]

Mornings are tough. I often have bad dreams. Last night was no different.

However, I no longer wake up in the morning feeling like everything is normal just to remember that life has taken this gut wrenching turn. It is becoming my new normal.

A lot of sadness today, but I'm working through it. I haven't cried-like cried really hard with lots of tears/sobbing in a long time even though there have been many gut punches in the last couple of months. I remember at BD when I cried all the time. Does anyone else experience the incredible sadness of this sitch and not have the need/urge to bawl? Am I numb? Am I stronger? I am puzzled by this.

I am gaining strength by reading many threads this morning. Trying to catch up on the many who have kindly posted on mine.
I spent my car ride to work with the radio off in deep thought. I was listing the things I am thankful for and repeating positive words. Lots of deep breaths. I find as the day goes on I feel much better. Night can be tough. Especially sleeping alone. You'd think I'd be used to that by now.

H continues to keep odd hours and sleep patterns. He sleeps A LOT during the day, then struggles with sleeping on/off at night.

I'm going to continue to try to kick this anxiety out of my system this morning.

The sleeping/dreaming/crying thing, part of the process. It will get better as you get better. I wrote a post yesterday in my thread and it caused me to remember the early days after BD. I was a mess, I took 2 weeks off work.

Doing gratitude lists is good. What else are you doing for you?