Reaching out for support and advice 2

[bluesgal]

I feel like I just want H gone. Out of the house. Out, out, out. I want space and time to think about sitch.

What does this mean. I know I'm not 'over' him. I just don't want the person he is. I don't even want to look at him anymore. I know-detach. I look at him and see a free loading cheater that has no moral compass. I want him out.

My plan is to tell him a MC apt on Monday. Someone stop me. Am I making a mistake?

[labug]

What happened?

What is it you're not over him or the loss of your marriage? Those are 2 very different things.

I'm not going to try to stop you, only you know when you're done.

Think about it for 48 hours.

[bluesgal]

I don't want to end my M. I just want some true space. I'm finding it difficult to tiptoe around his short temper. I'm finding it difficult to have zero trust.

I can't shake the feeling that he is cake eating. He gets to have all the creature comforts of home and also come/go as he pleases. I have GAL/PMA, but we seem to be getting more distant than ever. At least a few months ago we would share the same bed occas. and ML. Now-NOTHING.

We were at D15 BBall game together last night and he got very short tempered with me a couple of times over very minor things. He went from calm to very angry instantly. When we left I told him in the car that I would appreciate his patience if we have a misunderstanding. He seemed to agree.

Is there a disadvantage to actually physically separating?

[3boymom]

Blues - If you ask him to leave, it is still going to hurt. H will continue to come/go as he pleases no matter where he lives. He will get the comforts of his new place. He will figure out a way to survive on the bear minimum (my H eats out ever meal and does laundry every couple of weeks). Forcing him to live alone is not going to change his mind overnight. If you understand all of this and you still want him gone, then you can ask him to leave. I feel like sometimes we get so impatient and just want something to change, to make your H see that he is wrong.

Just think about it for a bit. Do you really want him to no longer live in your house? If not, then I would try and figure out a way to avoid contact or get your own space. Maybe that means taking a class or exercising. You have kids, so you will still have to interact. H and I talk about daily. It is hard because there are days when he is cold and short tempered. I still have to deal with it to some extent because I cant get eliminate him from my life.

This all $ucks so much. There is not quick fix.

If you are not convinced you want him to leave, then what things can you do to help give you some time and space? Drive separately to events? Spare room for him to more into? Specific nights that your H watches the kids so you can get out? Make h do his own laundry/shopping?

[labug]

There's no hard science on this as far as I know. From personal experience I think it helped my marriage.

About the cake-eating, you can come and go as you please, can't you? If not, why not?

If you mean come and go to see OW, that's different.

What was your boundary and did you tell him what it was?

[bluesgal]

Thanks gals, my boundary is no OW. The problem with that is the only way I can confirm he is still seeing her is to snoop.

Not snooping feels like turning a blind eye.

I plan to tell him my boundaries at MC apt because historically conversations like these do not go well with H since BD.

Good points 3-I understand what you are saying. I am trying not to force anything or to teach him any lessons.

Toughest thing for me lately: That he can tell OW he loves her, pursue her, call/text her, crawl into her bed. And with me....crickets. It just doesn't feel good. My instinct is to push that away.

[3boymom]

First, you need to stop snooping. You have already confirmed there is OW. Until your H tells you otherwise, assume that OW is still in the picture. Just because you stop snooping does not mean that you are turning a blind eye. Believe me, your H knows that you do not approve of the A. Unfortunately, he just does not care.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out if H was still talking to OW, if they were talking a lot (looking at H's phone bills), if they were eating together, etc. When I finally let go of this behavior, I felt free. Do I feel any better about the A? No, it still hurts and I feel like I am punched in the gut every time I think about it for more than a minute. But I stopped torturing myself. It does not mean that you are okay with it.

I know that you dont want your H to be involved with the OW. And you said that you boundary is the OW. But what does that mean? If the OW is in the picture, .......? This is what you need to figure out.

[bluesgal]

I have some thinking to do. I think I'll get that book labug.

3-you're right-thanks for illustrating the pros/cons

On the postive-had a great night with the kids. Went out to eat in town with my family. H family showed up at same place and we all had a good time. (H was at work) Saw lots of friends. Going to a retreat tomorrow with a girlfriend. Hoping for a peaceful weekend.

[2stubborn2quit]

I'm not sure how you'll tell him that OW is crossing a boundary, he already knows.

What's going to happen if he won't cross back from the boundary? Do you have your plan laid out to follow up with the threat and can you take action immediately? Because if you lay down the condition and don't follow through he'll never respect your word.

[labug]

It can't be a threat of an ultimatum, it has to be you protecting you.

Yes, read the book, )look at your library) even knowing that you're working toward something can give you the calm to not act out of emotion.

You can start your boundary making by experimenting, writing things down, "H, as long as you choose to be in a R with OW..." be clear, clean, concise. You can tell him how you feel but choose only one or two descriptive words.

(( ))

Con't make a boundary you can't or won't protect.