just reading around this morning- thinking how all your comments and sitch(s) apply to me too.
like you all- i'm here, but wondering sometimes why - and howlong i can do it. i too, just want to "be heard" and "be understood". if my h could ever just look at my face and say "i've heard every word you said- i do understand where you stand- i'm workin on figureing myself out" I might have some hope. the handful of r talks, have been instigated by my need to try and understand wtf he's doing & why- the answers hurt- he cannot seem to provide any answer to anything that actually HELPS me feel better. he truly is immersed in SOMETHING - EITHER he's just a rat having his cake and eating it too ORRR - HE IS total tornado of mlc and spinning out of conrol. after all this time (2.5 yrs after total exposure) and maybe (he says) ten years of being unhappy (and feeling free to make me miserable with his rotten attitude). it feels like fifty years.
mwd says in one of her books - "if you've said it once- he heard it and knows it)" don't repeat it.
it's been a hard hard time last few years reigning my self in, both (verbally or mentally) , i am a "talker" and that is a huge part of my life and r with everyone. exchanging ideas & info - about self &life, etc.
that's the most awful part - isn't it? this person who was YOUR companion withdrawing the communication, love, well, your life.
me too- like bright- i wonder if h just likes it the way it is now- i wonder how long i can do this and if it is really mlc or just who he is (now and forever) and therefore, i'm wasting my time and so on. i tell self every day i can always walk away tomorrow. i tell self it's prudent since he is paying the bills and i would be a dope to run away and embrace lonleyness &poverty one minute before i am forced to. i tell myself stfu- i do it.
I SHARE YOUR ANGST at us being guys to do all the "work" here - while we wait on these jerks ruining ourlives.
oh well huh? this db is gonna make us such strong people - i can see improvement in my ability to have patience, step back from a fight or conflict- bite my stupid tongue no kidding0-. of course - h is not poking me and trying to get something goine. or spewing-0 so maybe it's easier for me.
i hate it- but i think it's good for me. i get too whipped up- i am discouraged that with other people i have less of a tight fist on my emotions - and am working on that too. this crappola of my ancient mother and sisters who are not helping and mother is rather argumentative, complaining always and mean streak to boot. i have alot to work on there. i am hopeful it will come also.
who the heck can know? everyone says when we are "done" we will know it- and we will extricate ourselves from this mess of a life - no matter what it costs. i'm hoping that is true.
i liked your list - am working on it every day to0- i guess it's working since i'm less nuts and grief-sricken than two years ago- etc. i have to fight the urge to talk, be sarcastic (fail sometimes) ; be "there". idk exactly how i show i have myh own life when he is not there to see it except one week a month. it's sooooo insulting i could plotz - oh well huh.
i think maybe exhaustion gets us in the end. my h is perfectly pleasant - acts as if nothing unusual is going on in our life- and i think it's such a total wreck in every way. he thinks he is just having his new life as a retired guy and God only knows what. personally i think he quit going to the office and now thinks he is "single" guy again- .
i could die of exhaustion from it all. somedays i'm anxious as hell to have something happen- anything- some recognition or word. ANYTHING FOR CRIPES SAKE....
Most days i keep my thoughts to myhself. talk about casual junk- my gut - deep inside does not allow begging. can't form the words- some one of you said it- and i believe it- to have to ask totally negates it's value. if he doesn't offer "it" - it is worthless.
i don't want anything from this man that i had to "squeeze" out of him. i don't have alot of hope- i am getting a kind of life little by little- we have two houses and the ability to be "separated" and togethr- well, i can't even imagine if it's good or bad. feels bad to me- idk really. it is what it is, i feel powerless totally almost all the time (not pleasant at all)
all i can do is be self- plug along. you are all right btw- it is crucial to not talk, no r talks, DON'T EVEN TRY. i can see his face shut down- i can feel him cringe- he is such a giant f'ing baby about looking at himself and taking some of the blame and guilt. even talking about "us". we did exist as a couple. i didn't make it up- somehow we still do (in this disgusting form) so it seems someone should acknowledge something and then figure something out. we just go along- no one does....idk . i'd never ever have believed life could be so wierd and that someone you love could turn so wierd-
ME- I DON'T TALK AOBUT R HARDLY AT ALL- once in a blue moon and am immediately sorry. it accomplishes nothing at all- except maybe a few crumbs that make me feel good - and then a few crumbs that make me feel totally bad.& helpless. they kind of cancel each other out.
the depth and breadth of this guy's self-centeredness is discouraging. i feel totally used for 38 years- will it stay or go? idk is it absoultely true- idk. is he just some awful peson who lied about who he was forever- idk (maybe- probably). oh well right-
sorry guys to get long- i sure feel all of your comments- all i really started to say was that you can do it- you can rein it in and you CAN control youremotions and words. i'm still "in progress" but the little successes i have make me feel like anything is possible.
we will be wonderful(ER) PEOPLE when it's over i am certain - even if it may be awful outcome. we dealt with what was whammed onto us- - who the heck can know how it all will end? LIFE sure is wierd - at least we found this forum- each other and glad to be alive and healthy ... got that goin for us.
