Still Dating

[labug]

I’ve reading your updates with the great interest. Sometimes I think that if I would be in your situation, I would be very worried and unsecure about whether I could trust H again, worried about him changing his mind again. I’m glad that you feel that things are working out for you and you are having fun with H.

BF, I was a worrier. I wasted a lot of time and missed out on much happiness by worrying and attempting to control outcomes, trying to guard against "what-ifs," most of which never happened.

I really have no fear about 'what-if he changes his mind?' What I've gained in this process is confidence in me. If he does change his mind, I'm sure it would be unpleasant but I'll be fine. I can be on my own and be OK, even better than OK.

I strive to be mindful and in the moment. I only have this day, this hour, this moment to deal with.

[labug]

Rings. That's wonderful! W and I still aren't wearing ours. I think about it from time to time, but I think I would need her to take the lead that later down the road.

You are awesome. Everyone says marriage takes work, and when we find ouselves in these sitch's, as newbie's we scramble to "save" our marriages. Then we realize the focus is to save ourselves.

Everything else starts to fall into place!

Indubitably!

[labug]

labug, thank you so much for updating your story. I'm still trying to get to the point of deciding how much of my life I should give to my xh, but I know it's less than I have been.

Detaching is hard, but I know I have to do it for myself. And it's great to see that doing so doesn't have to mean that there is no chance of reconciling.

I'm so happy for you!

Thanks, SBR.

Being your own person opens up a brave, new world.

[JuneReN]

BF, I was a worrier. I wasted a lot of time and missed out on much happiness by worrying and attempting to control outcomes, trying to guard against "what-ifs," most of which never happened.

I really have no fear about 'what-if he changes his mind?' What I've gained in this process is confidence in me. If he does change his mind, I'm sure it would be unpleasant but I'll be fine. I can be on my own and be OK, even better than OK.

I strive to be mindful and in the moment. I only have this day, this hour, this moment to deal with.

Good for you. I try to be in the moment lately but it slips away from me, argh. Some work to do....

I think the best thing for me as well was the realization that control really was an illusion and yes, I could be just fine on my own.

[bustingout]

Bug I am so happy to read your latest posts and even happier that his walkabout has led him home.

You are a true inspiration of someone becoming their own person. Mindful and grateful and unafraid to live life as it is given to us. I think of you so often when I am going through my days. You being me a sense of calm and confidence and strength. When I took the kids on safari last October I remembered your trip you took. And I knew I could do it.

Bug you will always be a source of strength and growth for me. I love you dearly. And am so happy for you all that you are and have become and celebrate wit you the beauty and richness of life.

[reb9597]

labug, I've followed your posts and your journey is so inspiring. Hope you don't mind answering a couple questions... reading your story and your posts earlier in this thread, you said you were/are perfectly okay where you are with or without H, but you didn't feel the need to file yet. What was your criteria? Or questions did you asked yourself when you thought about filing?

And I'm also noticing the great efforts you made to come to this place of peace, but did your H ever share what his path has been like? In an ideal situation you have two ppl going through mutual growth... but when one spouse leaves then makes their way around to trying again with the marriage, what's the qualifying actions there? Do they have to work as hard?

I started with al anon about 6 weeks ago as well and am hoping to work towards the peace you describe. It's truly inspirational and I wish you much happiness.

[labug]

Hi reb, I remember you! How the heck are you?

You asked some great questions and I'm thinking about my reply. There is so much but it distills down into a few core ideas, I think. I'm distilling.

AlAnon, it works if you work it, just like everything else in life.

[BklynMom]

Just thought I would throw in another plug for Alanon - it really saved my life.

Now not only do I have Program but I also have more friends in my neighborhood that I can really be honest and myself with.

[labug]

labug, I've followed your posts and your journey is so inspiring. Hope you don't mind answering a couple questions... reading your story and your posts earlier in this thread, you said you were/are perfectly okay where you are with or without H, but you didn't feel the need to file yet. What was your criteria? Or questions did you asked yourself when you thought about filing?

I didn't have a criteria. I've learned to trust myself during this process and I trusted that I would know when I was ready. I wasn't closing that M door, I was open to whatever unfolded.

The M was a nonissue at that time, I wasn't going to be any happier not married. I really didn't think about it much.

And I'm also noticing the great efforts you made to come to this place of peace, but did your H ever share what his path has been like? In an ideal situation you have two ppl going through mutual growth... but when one spouse leaves then makes their way around to trying again with the marriage, what's the qualifying actions there? Do they have to work as hard?

We have talked about our separate journeys a bit as things come up. I have to say I've discovered I'm not as interested in hearing about his process as I am in seeing his changes. As we know, actions speak louder than words, we hear it all the time here.

It's just as true moving forward.

His actions so far have shown me that he's figured a lot of stuff out. That's what I need to see.

This morning he brought up some things that need to be fixed around here. This was a major issue for us at the time of BD. It's a house, there's always stuff to fix Things never got done according to my timeline.

Today I said, OK but whenever you feel like doing these things is fine and if you don't want to, we can get someone.

I added that I knew in the past I "always had a list of things that needed to be done and if they didn't get done I was angry and resentful. I don't have that list anymore. It will all eventually be taken care of."

He said "I know. I want to do these things."

So as I've let go of things, he's been able to let go of things.

I don't feel the need to ask him how he got where he is, I just need to be mindful and appreciative of the fact that he is where he is.

As I said in the previous post, I think this all comes down to a few concepts.

Mine are:

• letting go of fear
• not taking things personally (major, major, major)
• being mindful
• knowing and respecting my boundaries as well as the boundaries of others

I got a lot from the book How to Be an Adult in a Relationship by David Richo. He has a list of 5 As:

1. Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.

2. Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.

3. Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.

4. Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.

5. Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.

I hope this is helpful but I think the bottom line is, we just have to let go. Until we can be OK with and love ourselves, we can't be completely present in a R.

[adinva]

Good stuff, i'm going to look for that book.