Wif wants Divorce, I do Not 2

[Fartiltre]

BH,

I have been extremely stressed out.

Most of us have that feeling at first! Do not feel bad about this and do not start thinking "I just wish I had...." - that won't help you now!

You have also been searching for that magic wand - just as I did! I searched the entire universe at least twice and I was LBH no. 1.000.000 on that search. It's El Dorado or Atlantis. Some still dreams it's out there.....IT'S NOT! True: You can win the lottery but most rich people make their money from hard labour over a long period of time.

This is totally the same! You have to start working and you have to start working on things that you can control otherwise how will you influence things!
YOU CANNOT CONTROL OR MANIPULATE YOUR W BACK INTO A LOVING R
…but you can control and thereby change yourself into a man that might stand a chance with her. The man she left doesn’t have that chance!!

This is the main reason DBing takes a lot of time – A LOT! Many LBS stops on the way for many reasons and some stands for years and still doesn’t R – there is no guaranties in this but one: If you do not change you she is gone and she will stay gone!

So realize that this is about you! This also means that every time you are about to do something think this:
Am I in ANY way doing this or that in the hope that W hears it and thereby wants me back or am I doing this because it feels right for me to do it even if W never ever comes back?

Things you do or change solely in the hope to get W back shouldn’t be done…..they won’t last! Things you do for you – should be done and they should be done good! By doing this you will change and your W will learn about this! It will take a looong time and as the saying goes “This will be the hardest thing you have ever done” and “This is a marathon, not a sprint”

You have been reading in here and my guess is that you have also been searching for the wand in here. You have been searching for threads with R-success because you hoped to find the wand in them. It’s still not there. Do NOT stop reading in here but instead of searching for histories with success, then search for threads with similarities to your own. Follow certain threads and do start to post in them when you feel you have something to offer.
The wand is not in here, but the branch that you over the coming period of time (That usually is at least a year) can cut into a wand that will change you in the end, is in here. You will find amazing stories and amazing people that will guide you, help you and support you, if you choose to walk the path.
They will NOT take any responsibility for your decisions – they will advise you, but the path is yours, it’s your life and therefore the responsibilities for the choices made are also yours. And so is the choice to do or do not.

You might also have been searching the internet for “How to get W back” or likewise, you might have downloaded some of the better marketed R-stuff (that’s baloney) on the net and you might have been reading a lot of books about M, D and so on – I did and many others with me!

NOW is the time to stop this and start working you and only you!

SO:
1:
Realize that your W is gone for now (and maybe not for good!!)
Let this sink in! She is gone!

When that is done then let the following sink in:
"She might come back and through my actions and words I can increase the chance of this happening."

The only reason I write words here is because you need to speak about your sit as LITTLE as possible….this goes for W, MIL, family, mutual friends – it all! Allmost all the backsliding I have seen in here is based on words! If you need to talk to somebody (and many of us have that need) then I suggest IC or a friend that has absolutely no contact with W.


From here on action counts – not words. You have to SHOW the man not talk about him!

2:
Read Sandi2s rules. Read them every day and apply them as strictly as you can. You have to stop pursuing, pleading and other emotional outburst towards your wife and people close to her. It pushes her further away.

If you haven’t finished DR the get it done and then re-read it!

3:
Attend you!
Start exercising! Helps on wellbeing and sleep – and a fit body will always be more attractive than a none-fit body
See to that your surroundings (house, garden, car) is in order and see to that your own personal exterior is in order. Dress nice, cut hair/beard and so on!

4:
Who do you want to be? What do you want to change?

If you want to increase the possibility of R with W then starting out with things she thinks are flaws will do you good. What do you think that your W missed in your M and thereby also you? How can you change in these areas?
(Do not consider if you will be able to show this to W – AT ALL!)
What can you change and will this be a change that YOU think would be good for you – for the rest of your life! Will this change do you good even without R?

Make this list and then add any other thing about you that you feel like changing!

This is an ongoing process and it could last the rest of your life!


You want to show W change and you can speed up the process a bit by changing your hair, the way you dress, the scent you use and so on – your exterior. My personal thought on these are WAIT! I did these things very quickly and hoped they would do it – they do not alone. Make changes inside first, when you feel some have sunk in, then attend to your looks but do continue on the inside afterwards.
Wait until things have settled a little!

5:
GAL – Get A Life!

You need to get a life!
This has already been discussed in your thread but do get a life! The best way to get rid of sadness is to be among happy people. Take initiative to arrange meetups with new and old friends.
Start taking a class in something you like.
Join a club

Whatever you, like but preferably something social and something where you can hook up with new people or old and forgotten friends.

6:
Start looking for flaws in you and things you want to get better at, by studying!
Read books about different subject concerning human nature, communication, personal development and so on.
This is also an ongoing process and there are so many great books out there. (You could look into Dale Carnegie: How to win friends and influence people in the digital age)

(I drive a lot and therefore I listen to many books when I drive!)

7:
Since you can’t have your wife back right now – what will make you a tiny bit happier tomorrow?
Try to answer this and then make it happen!


All of the above has absolutely no value without you starting to act! You need to get off Ws back and attend your own for now and for a longer period of time!

Most off the above have been said earlier on in your thread!
This is about you and your choices!

F

(English is not my native! I hope the above is understandable and that I do not come out to harsh!
Get moving or get...... )