Getting my assets off of the park bench

[JuneReN]

Thanks guys!

Made the counselling appt. today. She is solution based, as H and I want to move forward in this relationship and want to know what we can do to facilitate it.

Now, very interesting...a few things:

I have told H, as previously stated, I need more etc. and have said what can I do, give etc. he says that he doesn't know what he wants, who he is is just starting to find out.

I tell him I give him space etc. all he has to do is tell me....

Hello....

He has been telling me.

I have been reverting to old behaviours of wanting all the answers and wanting them now but just asking in a kinder gentler way.

He said something that caused this epiphany and I said I think this behaviour of mine looks a lot like my old behaviour.

He said yes it does.

I said that I could see that.

He said I told you I dont know but you wanted answers anyway.

I said that was true.

We also got into a specific convo about a gift from massage girl, he still has. We were discussing her and H said he still doesn't have closure. He needs it but doesn't know how to get it. Has gotten rid of all her pics, blocked her phone and email and fb, still has some momentos in storage but knows he will get rid of those too.

He felt a need to get those things out of his life he said, but didn't feel the need to get rid of the things I had given him that were precious to him form pre BD

Anyway, back to gift. H wants a different version of gift but has to sell the initial gift. He tried in September, but needed up not selling. I said. Okay, send me a pic, I am listing it on a selling site.

Will I learn? Eventually. He could taken to task by a friend for letting me do it, and then of course H questioned if he was really wanting to get rid of it or it was me.

Sigh. At least I know where I could improve. Even if I back slide now and then.

What do you think of solution based therapists? Anyone have experience individual or couples?

[JuneReN]

Oh, h also mentioned that even if my behaviours are the same he has to learn to react and respond to them, to everybody's , in a different way ( ie standing up for what he wants, what he feels)

[JuneReN]

Me too GM and thanks . Your POV is always welcome, you know that.
And we will just have to take it as it comes.

But the most major thing is I was absolutely ready to drop the rope and actually push him off with one foot- Bon voyage.

So I know I have that strength and that is invaluable to me.

I continue to do what I set out to do with my life, over a year ago. I am still growing, exploring and seeing who I am outside of H. I am pretty sure that person has been here all along, she was just subsumed and neglected.

H doesn't know who he is at all. He is beginning to find out..

Can I say I am not going to be hurt at the end of this all? Nope
Can I guarantee a life with this man I love? Nuh-uh.

I can say, today, however, I have no regrets. Okay maybe I regret feeding the delicate stomached dog leftovers, but I digress (oh, and painting my apartment pink, cuz it was on sale...and cheap red wine from Chile.... ).

Today was good.

I can't really regret a thing because it brings me smack up against the person I am today. Someone I really am beginning to enjoy.

So could this all be a huge mistake ? Yup. But I know I won't regret it it

Don't be a stranger ever GM. Hugs:))

[JuneReN]

Yup, I agree, it's been a struggle and you are right about the turmoil. But I got to talk it out here and talk it out with H, the last being something neither of us could do for a longtime.

One of my very best friends looked at me today and said I was an overachiever. I just about peed my pants laughing.

I'm a messy procrastinating would be/ reformed control freak who needs to know everything!!! Now!!!! But overachiever? And she was serious. But it brought to mind that everyone's POV is different I guess and we see what we see or what is presented, you know?

So this so called over achiever will stay true to her and if I begin to waver you can come and smack me upside the head verbally.

You always give me a lot to consider and I can't thank you enough

[RealityTrip]

Good Monday morning! Super happy about the MC appt. getting set. Yay! And big YAY!... for H. No whackos!... I'm kinda proud of him.

[JuneReN]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your support and comments...(((RT)))...even though I haven't been commenting, I kept an eye out.

So MC was very insightful and gave me, and apparently H, a lot to think about.

H spent the entire week spinning, and, as he put it, underwater. As a result, he pretty much ignored me and again I felt undervalued and really not important to this person I want in my life.

As a result of a conversation (face to face) today, I let him go. I said it wasn't fair if he didn't know what he wanted, but kept me here as the soft place to land. By putting me in this position of not really together, but not really in your life either, it was allowing him an easy out if he felt he didn't want to be with me after all.

As H said, he is scared of losing himself and doesn't know what he wants. So, I said for him to go out and find it, but without me.

He asked, "What does that mean?" I said no texts or calls. No staying at the house, we will be co parents and discuss finances.

I said that he was waiting for the therapist to tell him that it was okay to take time apart on his own. He agreed. I suggested he own his feelings next time, because to not tell me how he feels would hurt me worse.

He got scared when I made the "out of each other's lives" comment. He said he didn't know what that looked like. I said that we are so close, that you can't possibly find yourself with me in your life and I would rather it be now, than 5 years down the road with damage to both of us again.

So, there ya go. Or there he goes...

I know this was the absolute right decision. It feels so right that although I am sad about it, I am also calm and strangely peaceful. It has been coming to this and when H said counseling, I thought maybe he was ready....not so much. He said this didn't make him any happier either. That this being separate felt no more right than being together...

All I know is that I can't live my life this way. Or rather, I can, but I won't.

I will probably take a break from the boards for a bit, focus on me and school, see what pans out over the next few months.

I'll check in on you all, lurk a bit. Maybe stalk you all

Hugs,

Ruby

My world just opened up again. A little emptier, for now, but the possibilities are endless.

[bustingout]

Hi Ruby,

It seems that H needs this. Time and space to figure out who he is. I think you made a decision out of love for him and yourself. It shows self- respect and compassion for where he is right now.

I am glad you are going to put the focus back on you. You deserve some time for yourself. While we often talk about his journey - this has been tough on you too.

Your H's confusion has been bringing you up and down in such short amounts of time. Your emotions must be exhausted. I hope you don't disappear for long. Focus on finding the calm.

Much love to you x

[LoisB]

Ruby,

You are so awesome. I don't have time for a long post, but I'm thinking about you.

Sending you hugs and love and even more hugs.

Heather

[BrightFuture]

Ruby, this must be exhausting. Waiting for him to choose one side or another. I hope you are strong enough to follow through your decision. He needs to understand that this is serious and he cannot just sneak back in and keep the status quo.

[JuneReN]

I have been reading along the past few days and first off, I want to thank those who have posted on my thread. While it seems that I may or may not have taken your advice, I have always valued each word and weighed them against what I was doing or going to do.

Coming to the decision to say A) this is not enough for me and B) you,H, need to continue your journey on your own was both, at once, the easiest and the hardest thing I have ever done.

The easiest because once I made the decision, everything stopped spinning and I could focus on me, my relationships outside of the one with H. There was no " what have I done" or " if only". So if you want to know does anyone truly drop the rope, the answer is yes, they do. I have read other's posts, AS, comes to mind when he says he wishes W well, but doesn't fret about OM or spend a lot of time with W on his mind.

I was like " yeah.... Sure", but now I understand.

The hardest because I have lost my best friend, the person I would spend the rest of my life with. Maybe he will realize this one day, maybe not, but today I am truly okay with all decisions. I don't love him any less than I did a week ago, and maybe more, since gaining some insight I to his ongoing struggle and journey at our counselling session.

So today is good

Been a tough time getting back to living in the present.

My thoughts to you are it falls into place. This is only my timeline, others have been shorter or longer, but it does happen. I have thought many times before, okay, this is it I'm good...with whatever was happening or going on.

This feeling? Totally new and very welcome.

Enjoy today.