It is why I always say that the LBS has to look after and be kind to themselves.
As far as your sitch, Ang, I think maybe you misunderstand in some ways. Standing does not mean you accept abuse. For me, STFU does not mean you take everything they throw out at you, either.
You have a right to be treated respectfully in your home. As I told you, when he starts to abuse you, you say in a stron voice, "It is not ok to talk to me in that way, if you continue or do it again, I am walking away." And then you do. Abuse is very different in my eyes than spewing. Although, I didnt allow spewing either if it was nasty spewing.
What I'm afraid of...deep, deep down, is that this M is never going to be better because H has always been a liar. He has always hid things from me. He has always name-called...just not with so much hate. He has always been into playing head games with me...being what I would call "emotionally" abusive...and sometimes, verbally abusive. He has always been one to blame everything on me and others. He has never been one to take responsibility for his actions/words. His own stepmom told me that she feels like she has never really seen a "conscience" in him.
I hope that I'm not rewriting my OWN memories of how things were before the MLC. What if things were always really bad and I just didn't see it? And, now, I see it more clearly because of the things I've learned here and through lots of reading.
I wanted to address something else. You should not be turning yourself inside out to see something matter to him. You should become who you want to be. For you.
This is a marathon. And it doesnt really begin until you begin to live your life for you. It doesnt begin until you make the changes YOU want.
Dbing is about saving your life and sometimes it saves marriages.
The tennets of dbing - think with a beginners mind, dont go down cheeseless tunnels, do what works, etc. are how we should live our lives.
Its time for you to figure out Ang, without regard to him. Live your life, A. And leave him to his journey.
And, yeah, you have told me this countless times. I think I'm doing pretty good at it until days like Wed and today...and I realize that I'm not detaching and moving forward at all. I'm still worried about how my actions/words will affect him and vice versa. I am afraid that if I stand up for myself, he'll just leave...and then, I'll feel like I'm to blame. It's a very thin line I'm walking. It's so confusing and heartbreaking.
