Ok, so, here's how I feel about the above. I understand that the MLCer is in crisis. I get that. As I said, I have seen in up close more than once.
But, MLC does not give them a pass on their actions. It just doesnt. They werent held at gunpoint. They chose these actions. Yes, they did so while they were unsteady, while they were in pain. But, at some point, they have to own what they did.
I had written a post about this. It is important to remember how the LBS suffers, too. How their heart and their world is torn apart. How the stand can rock what they thought they knew.
Both parties suffer here, albeit in different ways.
I looked at it this way. I loved my h with everything I had. I had compassion for his pain. I wouldnt trade being in their head for anything.
But I had compassion for me, too. For what I had gone through, for the stand I took, for the way I loved.
It is why I always say that the LBS has to look after and be kind to themselves.
As far as your sitch, Ang, I think maybe you misunderstand in some ways. Standing does not mean you accept abuse. For me, STFU does not mean you take everything they throw out at you, either.
You have a right to be treated respectfully in your home. As I told you, when he starts to abuse you, you say in a stron voice, "It is not ok to talk to me in that way, if you continue or do it again, I am walking away." And then you do. Abuse is very different in my eyes than spewing. Although, I didnt allow spewing either if it was nasty spewing.
It is why detaching is so important. But what is equally important is for him to see your strength and for you to see it, too.
I wanted to address something else. You should not be turning yourself inside out to see something matter to him. You should become who you want to be. For you.
This is a marathon. And it doesnt really begin until you begin to live your life for you. It doesnt begin until you make the changes YOU want.
Dbing is about saving your life and sometimes it saves marriages.
The tennets of dbing - think with a beginners mind, dont go down cheeseless tunnels, do what works, etc. are how we should live our lives.
Its time for you to figure out Ang, without regard to him. Live your life, A. And leave him to his journey.
