My account has been approved for a few days and I never know what to post as an opener because the status of my relationship seems to change every other day.
I've been with my husband for 14 years. He told me about a year ago that he wanted out. The whole ILYBINILWY statement. He has blamed everything on me saying that I've been distant, cold, removed, withdrawn, neglectful our "entire" relationship for the "whole time". I new we had some intimacy struggles - and with three children, one who has special needs - yes, we had some struggles with our sex life. For the majority of our relationship I was a SAHM, very isolated and definitely depressed. I do work now, but it's very low paying. He has massive anger control issues. Both of us have issues from the past stemming from various traumas and dysfunctional families. Some of his points against me may be valid - but I never realized the severity of the problem or how deep he was hurting. He refuses to see any positive in me and is just damagingly negative daily.
Although, it sounds bleak - I honestly thought that we were solid. We called each other best friend and I thought we truly enjoyed each other's company. I felt completely blindsided by talk of the big D.
Since the initial talk, one year ago we've been up and down. Sometimes it seems he's trying and content, sometimes he seems miserable, sometimes it's status quo. Right now, he seems pretty miserable.
About 2 months ago, he moved out of our room and borrowed a friends futon and set himself up in the den. He's created his own little space in there and says he enjoys the separation. Since then, we've still managed to have some decent times, have maintained a sexual relationship - which actually since the whole thing came to a head, we've had better sex than ever - and we've also hit rock bottom a few times. At this moment, we aren't completely rock bottom - but it's kind of close!
He refuses to leave the house without divorce papers, although, he comes and goes as he pleases. Staying at his gym until late, or out with friends many of the nights. The kids have just kind of gotten used to him not being around, or at dinner. They have a strained to OK relationship with them. I have a solid, in touch, every day relationship with them. He's home maybe 2 nights a week. I would like to try a separation and have him leave - but he said he's not paying all the bills while I enjoy the big house and he sleeps on someone's couch.
We cannot afford a divorce. We can't afford to live separately. Our finances are a tangled mess. It's truly not possible in any sort of timeframe this year. Perhaps in 2015 if we change a lot and focus on paying off massive medical bills... But he has made no plan or effort to actively leave. He manages all the finances so I have no idea what comes in or out.
I'm kind of in the frame of mind that I've basically hit a wall. We tried therapy - he thought it was a crock and was pissed because he felt the counselor was too pro marriage. He did some therapy on his own, which seemed good, but now he's "taking a break" from it. I have been working on myself like crazy to address some of the valid points he's brought up - which is how I've come across these books. I have THE DIVORCE REMEDY on its way - but have read the first chapter and all the associated articles I can get my hands on.
I'm assuming I'm in for the LAST RESORT TECHNIQUE but I am not sure how to implement that when we still live together.
Anyway, even if this doesn't work out - I am looking forward to reading the book and getting the support and doing life changes.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
As an update to this now that I'm out of moderation... We are kind of on an upswing, although, when the D word came up (by him) the other day, I asked if it was not an if but a when for him - he said he didn't know.
He's started anti-depressants this week, and I feel like he's in a better mood. He's been home every night this week, hanging out as a family. He's still sleeping in the den - that doesn't seem like it's going to change anytime soon.
I really just don't know where to go from here. Not sure how to LRT when he lives here and is wanting interaction with us.
I am doing things for me - working on being less negative, meditating, journaling, working out.
Anyone have any thoughts?
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Another update.... H has decided to be more distant than in previous days. I don't know why? The kids are going to grandmas house Fri and I kind of thought we'd get dinner, hang out - because that would be a normal Friday. He told me he's going drinking with friends.... Also Didn't ask me to watch TV with him when he got home from the gym tonight.
I just asked him if he's upset with me or something and he said "I don't need this shxt! Hovering over me, getting all heavy... "
And I said, "I'm just wondering why you are being more distant than previous days and don't want to hang out with me this weekend..." He said "I just want to be alone and do my own shxt!"
He also told me I should "get out, go out with friends".
As I said previously, up and down, depending on the day...
I'm sure this was completely NOT along the lines of DB or DR protocol!
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
So sorry to hear you're going through this. It's not abnormal for this sort of hostility towards you for asking questions and trying to hang out. I remember in the beginning, didn't understand the problem and bought W flowers...she just looked at them, sneered, asks "what are *these* for?".
Stick to the 180 and read the rules detailed in the forum stickies...don't ask what the problem is. He may eventually tell you but trying to get dialog when they're like this is not going to lead to anything constructive.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Thanks for your response. Like I said, we are about a year into this - but it's been pretty bad since November when he decided to start sleeping in the den.
I've been trying to act "as if" and sometimes he's receptive and will seem like we have plans that include each other, and sometimes he tanks and gets distant. This is a distant time for him. I was doing so well that I didn't think I would also tank when he did - but today I am feeling depressed, needy and clingy.
It really is up and down... and there has been no planning on a D. He hasn't seen a lawyer - just talks to friends. Does not tell me anything nice or encouraging about our relationship - but we do discuss future related things. There is no planning of anything really - it's very stagnant. My friend said he doesn't know how to get out, doesn't want to be the bad guy, and then lashes out at me because of that.
I definitely need to do more GAL and detaching - but it's just so very hard when he's living with us, and maintaining a pretty active role. Sometimes when I am GAL (working out with a friend) he gets all "Why are you working out so much? Why are you away from the home so much?" It's odd. Kind of like he's resentful.
Anyone have any thoughts on the LRT when they live at home?
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
I've never heard of the WAS being resentful of the LBS giving them space and GAL. It's usually like giving them fresh air, they want nothing to do with you for a while.
Strange he'd be resentful of it all...is he depressed or something?
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Yes, I would say he's depressed. I think he thinks he's depressed because he's "stuck" with me, in our house - but I remember him cycling through bouts of depression before. He's started taking anti-depressants - he's about 4 days into that.... just about when he started to go distant again....
He said my working out so much is "annoying"... and I'm like that Brad Pitt character on whichever movie he was in - that worked out all the time...
This situation makes no sense, really. I talk a lot with my friend - also going through a divorce - and we just can't make any sense of it. It's so twisty, turny, up and down....
He also will frequently ask me "what's your problem" if thinks I "have an attitude" or am upset, or stewing, or something if I am acting detached. He definitely wants his space at bedtime at night, no doubt, and has no interest in sharing a bed with me (for sleep - still wants sex every few days) - but every other time it could go either way...
We still grocery shop together (just he and I), eat as a family, do family stuff together, talk about how to spend his bonus in a few months, he gets up and makes the kids bfast while I am getting ready, talks to me about different things, asks for my advice on things.... but again, still in the "I don't know, leave me alone" phase when D talk comes up.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
I just scheduled a doctor appointment for him the other day, he still asks/expects me to do household stuff for him (laundry, etc) but gets all "I can do it myself quit babying me!" if I offer to make him a cup of coffee in the morning when I am doing one for myself... mixed messages, but also seems to not ever be willing to say "I want to work on this, I may want this to work out" or anything like that...
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
One other idea from me. I suffered from low T and that made me feel depressed and very ill. A check up isn't always a bad idea just to make sure he's. Felling ok physically.
You pretty much can't do anything right with a WAS. To them its all bad and you do it all wrong. Better to detach. GAL and begin to feel like you again. You don't need to live apart to do that. Go to the gym. Join a class. Mskenplans with a friend and go to a movie or dinner with them. Just tell H. I have plans for this evening and I'Ll be back at X time.
I'm not perfect. My current sitch is very young and we've actually separated and peiced before. Good luck and keep nposting.
Remember look at things tonmake you happy first. Small steps lead to bigger ones.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
