wife moved to.parents house last week scared

[paul19510]

I guess I thought I shouldn't talk about IT...but, I felt better that W shared her heart a little today. I heard an old friend in her voice today that I haven't heard in years and had missed very much. She had tucked her away for many years now during the marriage and the more I asked to see her again, the worse it got. I haunts me that W let her out again so quickly after out time apart. That is the girl I fell in love with and married. The one that left last month was nothing like that. She was broken and hurting.

I did say to Peg that she must choose me again and that I would not beg for that to happen...its very needy and unattractive to beg and I will not. I told her that I will continue forward with my life and continue to work on making Paul the best he can be.

I appreciate. That she struggling with not coming home unless its forever. Shes trying to do the right thing. Its just scary that she might not pick me again. I have no control over that.

[AnotherStander]

Paul, it actually doesn't sound like a backslide, sure the LBS is not supposed to initiate R convos but you did and your W was a willing participant. Sounds like it went fine, don't beat yourself up over it.

I told my W that I choose her. I responded to yesterday's comment that "I should walk a mile in her shoes" and said I'd be glad to. I fact I told her, I would carry her if she were sick or hurt and needed me.

I would just suggest that you not say any of the above again. You said it, she knows it, so don't push it because more of this would be pressure. I will tell you that my W told a friend that she hated the thought of getting sick and having to be cared for by me, it was her "worst nightmare". Did she say that because I'm a rude, selfish, uncaring jerk? No, I've always been very caring and doting when she or the kids have been sick. She said it because she's in the fog and I can do nothing right in her eyes, everything I've ever done is wrong, everything in the marriage was nothing but pain, suffering and misery. If your W is even half as foggy as mine, then your offer of carrying her if she was sick or hurt may have actually repulsed her! So be careful with this kind of talk. It may SEEM right, but remember, DB'ing is counterintuitive. It is all about fighting our urge to reach out, reason, plead, negotiate, etc. and instead give them time and space.

[paul19510]

Thanks AS. I will speak with jody more tonight. I am sure that I should really sit still now. Keep pressing forward in my own life.

I do see a positive that she spoke about wanting out and having NO INTEREST in this M anymore a month ago to voicing the struggle that if she came home she wants to know its not going to fall apart. I second that. I never want to feel like this again if possible.

[paul19510]

great chat with Jody. Lots of good information and always uplifting

[paul19510]

keeping communications with W short and sweet if needed at all. Db coach mentioned several things that were really helpful taking place in comments or interactions that had overtones I never thought of. She was creative on ways to continue to improve but overall felt my situation was progressing in positive way at this time based on my description of it to date.

Still very early. She encouraged me not to lose hope.

[paul19510]

I feel very anxious this morning. I have been awake since 3:30. lots to do with kids today. My W just pulled in and dropped D13 off for the morning.

I know that she's over at the barn alone. Although its tempting to offer to bring coffee and see her for a few minutes, I will not. In convo with my Db coach she asked that I practice patience and wait for an invitation if possible. W needs to initiate too.

I already brought coffee and visited with her on New years Day. Back then, I asked W if she enjoyed the visit and would like to do it again. She said yes. I told her, she'd have to ask me. Coach thought that was perfect. now she says, I must wait.

[LITB]

Paul,

I saw you dropped in on my thread. I will try to catch up on your sitch soon. As far as today, slow down, breath and enjoy your kids. We always want things to move especially fast, so all of the hurt and negative feelings will go away.

One of the most important things you can do, is be an outstanding dad. Not only does it benefit your kids, but it is very attractive. I realize how difficult it is to focus on anything other than your W. Stay the course and things will slowly begin to fall into place.

Another thing I used to keep in mind, "fast is slow and slow is fast." Take your time to allow the harvest (your changes) to take root. When you changes are genuine and they are recognized as so, chances of bearing fruit increases significantly.

Take care,
Ben

[paul19510]

thanks Ben! I did send the W 2 texts today regarding family stuff Kids picks as per db coach. Frist one she answered. Second one she ignored. I get it.

I have plans to go out to dinner with a friend (not a date) next week and practice being good company. Sitch is not allowed as convo (my rules).

I feel pretty good about how I am doing so far. W is what she is. For one month in I'm not a quivering mess and I don't call the W and beg or plead. no frequent Emails or texts. Db coach asked me to tidy up a little. Said some of my actions were in fact pursuing although not strongly. She was encouraged by that but said I could tidy it up a little and back off even more now.

Tonight I have some feelings of anger/frustration due to lies I was told during our last couple of years together. She spent huge amounts of time at the barn and claimed it was unavoidable and that she couldn't be around. Now that she's out, she's not doing that. She's doing other things she likes and the barn is just part of her life like I had asked it to be when we were together. Kind of makes me mad. Just feelings. I'll work through them. she also "could not sleep in our bed" for the past 11 months. Only the couch due to back and hip issues. She sleeps in a bed ever since she left.

I understand people feel frustrated by these kinds of changes. but my Db coach also reminded me, that she's getting healthy and that's a good thing. the potential to come back healthy is there. if she left an kept doing the same dysfunctional things, there's nothing good coming from that. Still feel a little pinch of frustration over the stuff. Make sense? At least I see it so I can let it out.

I'll do pushups to let off some steam. if still in anxiety, doc prescribed very small dose of meds to help.

another day filled with friends and hockey tomorrow. We won 6 to 0 today. Life goes on. I will continue to let go. I am also realizing as I write this, that I have a fear of letting go so good that I don't want the marriage anymore. I'll have to sleep on that one.

[paul19510]

Oh one other comment...I told W on New years Day that she must ask me for another get together. she agreed but has not yet. Db coach reminded me that 10 days is a very short time for that to occur given the circumstances. But given the right conditions, the idea may grow in W's head and she'll get there. Patience

[3boymom]

Paul - if you have any time frames in your mind you need to try to erase them as best you can. My H and I did something together shortly after BD. H said that we would do something again. It took him 5 months to ask me to see a movie. It was at lunch time and definitely did not feel like a date even though bit was nice. Nothing since that happened three weeks ago. Just be careful thinking that something will happen soon. When they say baby steps they mean really little tiny babu steps.