OMs, cycling, cakes and confusion Oh my Lord ;)

[AnotherStander]

and she could do with some cellebacy.

LOL! That struck me as funny, but actually you are right. She needs to get her head on straight without that as a distraction. She needs to want that for the right reasons, not as an escape.

Not sure on MC yet because not sure of her commitment level.

Right again, she hasn't really committed to working on things yet, but when she does be prepared to discuss that as one of your required boundaries.

AS you are right. Ill back off. Thsnks for the reminder. So easy to fall into old ways

That's why we're here and why it's good to keep posting You're doing fine, hang in there! Keep giving her time and space and hopefully SHE will come to YOU soon to discuss the M.

[sandi2]

In your update post you gave about the R talk, you started several sentences using "she admitted". Just to clarify, were you asking her these questions where she confessed (maybe reluctantly)....or did she volunteer the information?

When you describe the talk by saying she admitted certain things, it concerns me that you may have pressed for her to agree you were correct about these issues. The reason I bring it up now, is b/c if the discussion was closer to you drilling her and wanting the personal satisfaction that you were right about all of this all along, then I worry about her level of commitment. And let's face it, she did seem to say that you did all the right things and everything you previously thought were all true. I just thought her words sounded too much like the words you had told us a long time ago. But maybe it was b/c you were paraphrasing.

This is not meant to be a 2x4, SM34, but I'm just hoping that it was all her freely telling you this without any pressure or assistance from you. And, you do tend to want to think and talk for her. If you were asking questions that prompted her admissions, then her level of commitment may not be as deep or she may not be as eager to commit as she would if she told you these things without being quizzed. Does that make sense?

I'm not saying you shouldn't ask questions. I think even MWD says the S who had the A should be willing to answer questions in order for them both to heal the MR. But just speaking from my own VP, I hope you won't have the need to ask a lot of questions about OM and the sex stuff. B/c it places a lot of focus on him. The more details you know about everything they did (especially in sex), the more you would have a hard time forgetting. I have read where people have regretted knowing too much. Several have asked and then wish they could get the image out of their head. Don't make this about him and her, but rather make it about you and her.

The real issues you need to focus on are the problems that were between you two---that caused her to reach out to someone else. Keep the subject matter on the two of you and don't bring the third party into it when you are trying to heal. Everyone won't agree with that advice, it's just my viewpoint.

[Accuray]

My thought here is that if she's climbing into your bed naked, and making plans for alone time without your daughter, etc, etc, you are both starting to *act* like you're working on things, and that's why I'm saying MC would be a good idea *now* before you get too far down the road of acting like you are piecing in the absence of commitment or new rules, communication skills, and agreements.

[MrBond]

"I did and practice listening and validating but that's not going to be enough."

You got that right. What your problem was that you spent so much time trying to understand what in her background screwed her up, or why you weren't alpha enough, etc. that you NEVER stopped to UNDERSTAND HER. Validating does nothing without understanding. With understanding, you will know what to do. This means THOROUGHLY understanding her POV.

" I really dont actually think I'm better than her, or anyone else, but if so many people (and my w) think so then it must be true that I come off that way. I'm going to try to be very conscious of it from now on. Out with the old, in with the new."

Meaningless. What SPECIFIC things are you going to do to stop sounding so arrogant? Go back and read your posts where people commented how you were being borderline offense by sounding arrogant. You'll learn from that and what SPECIFIC actions to do to avoid it from happening again. This will not change overnight because you oftentimes did it so much and felt so "right" that you turned off alot of people.

"I was taking a chance by saying this so early in this process but i wanted to see how committed she is to our family and helping us get out of debt and to a better place. Her answer was exactly what i wanted to hear!!"

Bad move IMHO. You're trying to get her to PROVE to you her commitment too fast. Slow down and let her deal with her emotions with you first. Then let the rest follow one step at a time.

"Answer shows commitment, aknowledgement of her head being somewhere else, shows she wants to be part of the team, shows she is ready to be an EQUAL."

You are going back to sounding like SHE needs to prove her worth to you. Since the beginning you had your issues, INCLUDING the LD part. What have you done to improve that? Even if she commits to all the financial stuff, the bottom line is that she left you because there was no intimacy between you two AND you were LD. You haven't mentioned any CONCRETE steps as to what YOU will be doing to facilitate change.

[sandi2]

(bump)

[OneLessWife]

^

[sandi2]

Alright, what's going on?

[cbtdad]

I just caught up on this situation. And maybe I am completely of base here. But in have this picture in my head of you smirking at her like you are glad this happened.
SM, you seem so determined to show your wife how wrong she was. Do you really want your marriage to work? Or do you want to bring her back in and then hurt her?
I am saying this because it takes one to know one.
I was a very controlling, manipulating person. It nearly cost me my marriage.

[SM34]

Sorry it has taken me long to respond. Been trying to stay off the phone and computer and really bond and have a good time with the family.

When I used the word agreed it was something I said or explained that she agreed she had done or felt etc. When I used admited, it is something she said on her own.

But we had an awesome conversation. I know I sound like I was pushing but I really wasn't. I started off by saying that she can go to a therapist on her own, and that a good therapist will "sting". She said yes that she is open to that but in the meantime she wanted me to explain how all thishad happened from what i had learned.

I stop many many times and asked if this was too painful. Even when she was ccrying. I knew the parts about her low self esteem etc would sting and I asked her repeatedly if she wanted to stop. Her response was no keep going, I need to hear this, everything you are saying is right.

So I told her I am now speaking as if I am a therapist not as H. And I lead her, all the while allowing her to tell me why she thought certain events happened, and what she feels her emotions where at the time, and how OM manipulated etc, then I would explain to her the how's of the event and the whys etc from all the pyshology and therapy materials inhad learned.

I basically gave her a crash course in affairs and the personalities of those who take part in them. I then ended the convo although she wanted to go on. I told her that was enough for one night.

So her dr gave her the green light in ML and we have several tims since! Its been awesome. I haven't felt in adequate or like I am competing. I really haven't given it much thought.

I'm actually really surprised that i have no desire to blame or to punish or to make a big fuss. I want her to have learned from this as much as I have. And I want is to be a stronger team. And so far we've been doing lots of couples stuff and lots of family stuff.

Tomorrow night father inlaw is watching D3 and we are going on a date

Ill keep you guys posted. No talks yet, just bonding and getting to know each other again. Still no rings being worn... although facebook notified me that I am again married and that our anniversary is on such a date, and that we met on this day, and that I proposed on this day etc...all notifications have been spread out as she is filking in all this stuff in her profile. She is also reminiscing of better times which is good. All good stuff so far...

After the period of detox from OM, and bonding of us, I need to start the dialogue as to how to make sure this doesn't happen again, and I want her to read 5LL etc.. and we start building a better marriage.

Our finanical sitch is improving too! I'm able to focus on my business and much more productice. Her boss is super happy she got this sorted out and is happy with her performance.. gave her a bonus etc...

Things are coming together!!

[MrBond]

Great to hear. Keep up the changes. For someone who was extremely skeptical about DBing, and received a ton of 2x4s you are well on your way to a healing M.