melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[melissag]

Hi all . . . the last few pages on my threads have got me thinking that maybe I am posting too much whining and negativity.

I want you to know I'm really not like that all the time. To me, this board is kind of the opposite of Facebook. On FB, you post only the cute pictures of yourself, the cute and smart things your kids say, the awesome vacations you took, and how happy you are. Well, here, I know I am going to get support and 2x4s, so I just let it all out. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I hope that by being 100% honest, it will not only help me (by both journaling, and hearing others weigh in), but that it might help someone else who is feeling the same way.

I struggle with a lot of things right now, obviously, and I am committed to digging DEEP (did I mention that I am an overachiever? I don't half ass) and continuing until I am satisfied that I am living the life I want to live, where I can be authentic, work through hard feelings, and truly feel joy and happiness; and passing the same down to my children. (I am sure that living well is a practice, so I don't mean to say that at some point I will be finished; but hopefully at some point I will stop having ugly realizations about myself. )

My life is good. I have awesome friends. My kids are healthy and happy. I find time in my schedule to volunteer for several charitable organizations. I help my friends when they need it. I sing (and sometimes dance, you don't want to see that though) in the shower and the car. I treat my H (and my friends, my family, and strangers) kindly and with respect. I spend quality time with my kids and my friends. (My cat may be a bit neglected lately, I am working on that. ) I keep up my house, yard, patio, car. I enjoy the sun on my face and when it snows, I open the sunroof and let it fall around me while I drive. I stop to look at rainbows, sunrises, and sunsets. I have maintained good relationships with most of H's family. I am in good health and I take care of myself physically. I exercise every day and eat (relatively) healthily. And damn, I look good!

I appreciate ALL of those things. And more.

I do have many times during the day when I feel sad, or scared, or angry about my sitch. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I just say, FML. And on very rare occasions, but it happens, I wish the ground would open up and swallow me. Sometimes I (in my head) take out my anger on my H. But I do love him deeply, I have compassion for him, and I take full ownership of my contributions to the failure of our M.

I know I come here a lot and bitch and moan and whine and throw tantrums, but I want you to know that I listen to ALL of the advice I get here, and I put it into action. Some things take longer to implement than others. Some things I fight at first, because I don't like being in my sitch, and I am still not completely there when it comes to accepting it. But every time someone posts on my threads, whether it's with empathy, sympathy, advice, or a 2x4, it helps me move forward. And I appreciate that more than you will ever know.

So I am sorry if I seem whiny and negative . . . I'll try to post more happy things.

Sorry for this ramble. Just more of me letting it all hang out.