melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[melissag]

I sense that there's a void in you that was there before H came into your life, he filled it for a while and now that he's gone, it's empty again.

I will have to mull that over. I'm not sure it's so much that, as I have never been able to truly feel joy. All of my friends think I am happy-go-lucky because I am generally content and have been pretty lucky in life up until now. But when I look back, I see that I have always had trouble with vulnerability, processing difficult emotions, and allowing myself to feel true joy without waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Since I am on a roll with admitting embarrassing things about myself, I'll tell you about the night H proposed. He gave a little speech and I had no idea what was going on. Then he asked me to marry him, and I said, "shut up!" Not in a mean way, but like "shut the front door!" kind of way. Because I wanted to make sure that he really meant it before I got all excited, just in case he was joking or I misunderstood.

I realized recently that both H and I do this thing where we can't bear to be viewed as wrong, or chance looking stupid. (Well, I have stopped.) So for example, instead of saying, "would you like me to pick up the kids at 8?" We might say, "I assume you need me to pick the kids up at 8, so you can go running?" Or, "I figure you don't want the kids that late, so I'll pick them up at 8." Like, we already knew what the other person was thinking. Here's an actual convo that occurred between H and a friend of ours:

Friend: "Wife and I are getting divorced."
H: "Oh, I can see why, you never spent that much time together."
Friend: "No, it's because she decided she doesn't want to have kids after all."

Oops.

OK, I'm starting to ramble, but to get to your point, labug, I am not sure that it was so much a void as that I hadn't really learned to live the way I wanted to; I was in a place where I could not feel the things I needed to feel (I guess I must have been taught to stuff down feelings as a kid), but I didn't really know that. It's just now that I am fixing this stuff.

And as an aside, I can't recall if it was you, labug, who steered me toward Brene Brown's work, but I have to say, I LOVE HER! I feel like she is me. 100%. In fact, I not only am reading two of her books, but I am also joining a 14-week Daring Way group that starts in a few weeks . . . with the goal being to live a "wholehearted" life. I am really excited about it.

About the kids:

Well, why would you want to dwell on this? We never asked you to convince yourself of this. But the fact is, we're much happier when we accept what is. You don't have to like it, and I'm not saying you should. But try to shift your paradigm to one that says, " I'll do the best job I can."

I know, I know! It's not that I'm not doing this. I think I am just not ALL THE WAY there yet. Before, I was in "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!" phase. Now I am in, "Fine, I will do it, but I won't like it" phase. I am working towards getting to the phase I need to be, where I just drop the whining. I'm getting there, I swear.

I no longer pray for God to make a square peg fit in my round hole.

This is a great point, UD. It's one I am struggling with a bit. On one hand, it's easy to say, well, I wasn't SO happy all the time with my H anyway, and I deserve more that what he has to offer right now, that's for sure. But then there's the other side, which is, OK, but look, I'm never going to find someone who is perfect for me - that doesn't exist. And I'd rather have the devil I do know (and love, and have two children with) than the unknown.

Don't put words in my mouth, because I don't believe this and didn't mean this. Your H obviously does care. But he can't be with you right now, and he's been honest by telling you his truth as it is right now. That might not be the case down the road. But I DO think he gives a crap. Just not the way you want it.

My apologies, UD. I didn't mean to put words in your mouth. And you are right, he obviously does care to some extent, just not nearly as much as he cares about himself. And I do think my H is broken. Heck, I think I am/was broken. And I do have compassion for him. My problem really is in balancing the empathy I have for him, and the love I have for him, with living my life in some way that doesn't make me constantly feel hurt and sad. Of course it is much easier to say, forget him, he's a jerk . . . but I don't really think he is a jerk. And even if he is, he is my favorite jerk in the world. I am just not sure that feeling love for him is helping me. And I am having trouble separating my feelings for him and my hurt around this with compassion and understanding for him.

It's all in how we choose to see things.

This is so right, and I agree with labug that this is the key. I think I am getting there - I see that I am getting better at it. I was thinking today about how I think that seeing these things, and then putting them into practice, takes some time. The deep hole that we find ourselves in at BD is not easy to climb out of all at once. It takes a lot of effort, and sliding back in just when we have started to make more progress.

I truly, TRULY appreciate all the advice I have received here. I feel incredibly lucky that so many of the wisest people here have posted on my threads. And not only am I open to advice, but I take almost every single bit of it to heart. It has helped me tremendously in surviving my sitch, and I know it will continue to help me thrive, no matter what my H does.

So I am sorry if I whine sometimes. It doesn't mean I am not listening. It just means that I work really hard at this stuff, and sometimes I get tired and whiny.