melissag VIII - but I'm afraid to have no fear!

[Underdog]

Melissa,

I'm on my iPad and not as proficient with it. So if it autocorrects, you can ask me what the hell I was talking about.

I am not convinced that I am not losing them to some extent - yes, we can still have a great R, but it won't be the way I had envisioned . . . and I am not sure I can ever think that they will be better off this way than being raised by both parents together rather than splitting time.

Well, why would you want to dwell on this? We never asked you to convince yourself of this. But the fact is, we're much happier when we accept what is. You don't have to like it, and I'm not saying you should. But try to shift your paradigm to one that says, " I'll do the best job I can."

I didn't mean to make you sad about not having a fabulous R with him heading into my golden years. Truth: I look at him now and see someone I wouldn't have married if he had been the guy he is now. He's fun and a great dad, and we're friends, but he's just not emotionally available enough for the person I am now. I no longer pray for God to make a square peg fit in my round hole.

And one more thing:

It's so true, just requires me to accept that H truly doesn't give a crap.

Don't put words in my mouth, because I don't believe this and didn't mean this. Your H obviously does care. But he can't be with you right now, and he's been honest by telling you his truth as it is right now. That might not be the case down the road. But I DO think he gives a crap. Just not the way you want it.

Your H sounds broken right now, Melissa. I learned not to label people because as humans, we're complicated and not easily or accurately labeled or categorized. He's not the villain. He sure made choices that caused a lot of hurt in his wake, but I doubt he considers himself awful or despicable. Try to see his conundrum from his POV. His pain must be immense to take such drastic measures. Try to find some compassion for that.

Gineen, thanks for weighing in on failure. I happen to really like you and see you as a success too. You inspire ME.

Try not to dwell on the past and get stuck in the trap of "what if". That's a misery maker if ever I saw one. You don't have to be perfect to move forward, Melissa. When you find yourself in a stinking thinking pattern, engage in some sort of visual stop sign technique. It's not realistic to expect otherwise. Especially with grieving. That process is not linear either. There are good hours and bad ones. Down the road you'll get to good days and bad hours. Then gradually have bad moments. I still do. Especially when I'm shoveling snow in my 3 car driveway or mowing the lawn. I happen to like the gender role that females have. But I can't change things, and when I find myself pissy that I'm shoveling, I try to be grateful that I got the house in the D and I love my 3 car garage. It allowed me to keep my girls in a great school district and keep their friends. That made everyone happy.

It's all in how we choose to see things.

Hugs,

Betsey