That's what I got as several responses "I felt like it". " It's your fault". " I did what I wanted to". " I did it and I can't take it back. Nothing I can do now. You didn't deserve that but it happened." "I was faithful for 15 years. Cut me some slack. Get over it. We will fix this my way!". That's a close to an apology I got. Adultery is wrong...no matter how you slice it, but clearly some people have different ways to handle it. I feel your sentiment JonF. Because crass was thrown my way, I got crass back. It hurt beyond belief....the lies and betrayal of trust on so many fronts. That feeling has cooled off. She is just not well enough to be rational in her thinking and I hope she gets the help she has always refused. If you are at least getting apologies and contrite behaviour and honesty then things can be rebuilt. If blaming and coldness prevail, then neither can heal and work things out. Should be a team effort. Both responsible for dysfunction, but the adulterer needs to make things "safe" .
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Get off from your moralistic, holier-than-thou high horse, Jon! That is the problem right there and it is causing you to make unnecessary crass comments that are downright unpleasant & disrespectful.
And you have some nerve to gloss over your crass comment as being "honest". That's some brass.
@love - nothing I did led to an affair. Did my behavior contribute to marital problems? absolutely. Did it justify an A? NEVER. I treated my spouse great. I paid off her debt when I met her because she was living off credit cards. I paid off the car she drives. When she mistreated D13 (then D10) I made excuses for her. When she shopped incessantly, I simply gave her a credit card. When she laid in bed 18 hours a day, I said, "Well,she has issues.". When she overdosed on Vicodin, and I talked her into taking ipecac before I called 911, I never said a word. She is not worth it.
Again, I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. My W describes herself as a "momentary whore", and she never developed anything other than a minor friendship with OM. She said the two-time PA was disgusting, and worthless, and made her feel dead inside, but that is further evidence, that there is something wrong emotionally outside of marital issues.
So, I told W, I would leave, leave her alone, and not force any requirements on her. I just wanted the stuff I had left at her apartment; but I can't even get a response.
I am ready to forgive the A - it took a few weeks, but I was done.
What I can't forgive is someone who justifies every behavior, post-affair, including the affair.
When she got mad on Christmas Eve, she texted OM about some grill. Why? Because she wanted me to see it on her phone, and be mad. That's someone who has serious mental issues.
"What I can't forgive is someone who justifies every behavior, post-affair, including the affair."
The reality is that you're still making the A all about you. This is something your spouse had to deal with and it is all on them. Some WASs feel the A was needed to see what they had or whatever. Point is if you want to forgive, then it has to be total for whatever reason. If you put conditions on forgiveness, then it's not true forgiveness.
"When she got mad on Christmas Eve, she texted OM about some grill. Why? Because she wanted me to see it on her phone, and be mad. That's someone who has serious mental issues."
No it's someone who understood what she needed to do. You're going to have to understand that the way your W is going to cope with the A is her decision. It's not a "mental" issue.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Mr. Bond, I don't understand your point. I left the A behind, but W texted OM on Christmas Eve about a grill he left behind, because she wanted to leave the texts on her phone, let me see them, and make me mad...
Mr. Bond, I don't understand your point. I left the A behind, but W texted OM on Christmas Eve about a grill he left behind, because she wanted to leave the texts on her phone, let me see them, and make me mad...
These are the words she said.
Jon, I caution you to please be careful. I was so glad when your situation turned around. However, if you aren't careful it can come back around. I do understand what you are saying about someone who has an affair makes a very agregious choice that has a far reaching impact. However, I think what lovethehub is saying is that "Her spreading her legs" is no different than the abandonement she felt perhaps for years. To you the sex thing might be a huge hurdle but for others being abandon or feeling like you don't matter is the pits! And by her telling you she text other man cause she "knew you would see it" bud that's not a mental issue that's someone that still not certain of life with you, so as her husband drop this (from just reading) chest thumping, i'm the alpha male bit, if you truly want reconcilation. It will never fully come to pass without true forgivness. Love your W man, meet her where she is, it's not about right or wrong... I truly hope you hear what everyone is saying it's only out of love.
One other thing, your W self-deprecating herself isn't something to take pride in. Help her build her self esteem. She made a bad choice we all fall short. Extend her grace.
Jon, I think we can all understand that you are hurt by your W's actions. And I am sure that you have a lot of emotions to process (I can't recall if you said you are in IC, but if not, I think it would help). I know you want the A to have never happened, but what's done is done. So, you need to decide whether you want to R with your W, despite her A, or not. It's not fair to either one of you to agree to R, and then hold the A over her head for the rest of her life. That will only ensure that you are stuck in an unhealthy/unhappy M, or, more likely, BD #2 by one of you or the other.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Jon, you sound very, very angry about the A. You seemed really happy when your W returned, and ready to forgive everything. But not now. So my question is this- are you SURE it's the A that you're mad about, or are you just dredging old stuff back up to justify your anger? Could the real reason for your anger be something else? Did you perhaps load yourself up with expectations of how smoothly the piecing process would go and now you're getting frustrated because it ain't the smooth sailing you hoped for? Only you can answer this and I don't pose this to you expecting a 10 second response, but rather to make you seriously think and dig for a few days.
As I posted on your FB post, I think your W came back way too soon. She hasn't completed the journey she needs to make, and in fact may not have even started it yet. There's still a lot of internal dialog that needs to take place within her.
